Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/20/05

Sleaze Test Employed Against Celebrities
By, Grey Entertainment

The recent Sleaze Test that was has gained popularity in some countries as a means of weeding out the worst elements from the civil services has now made the leap into the private sector, though in a manner that was completely unanticipated by analysts.
Certainly there were plenty of predictions that Hollywood would suffer under this trend to take the sleaze test as an enforceable document, what no one expected was that it would be the first area or that it would actually be used as a means of advancing certain careers.
To be fair porn stars that aren’t sleazy are hardly likely to get far in the first place, though this is not an area that anyone expected this sort of discrimination in, no matter which direction it was in.
Somewhat more surprising is the manner in which results are being used regarding mainstream movie stars and musicians. Rather than ending careers more than a few have been enhanced, while others have been directed into other areas.
The fact that Madonna scored so low was a great surprise, she regarded the tests as a mere formality in the hopes of rekindling what is a relatively lackluster career at the moment. Instead of returning to her previous raunchy image Madonna has been signed up for a children’s television series.
Similarly the future is looking brighter for Courtney Cox-Arquette, who scored high enough to be seen as sexy without scoring so highly as to be thought of as deviant.
Conversely George Clooney is reexamining his career options after becoming the third most perverted man in Hollywood. While this does not mean the end of his acting days, Clooney is said to be receiving far fewer roles in romantic comedies and more roles that stretch his talent in new directions, mostly directions involving trenchcoats, leather, spikes and whipped cream.
There have been a few instances where impressions were confirmed. Keanu Reeves is now known as the Rice Cake of Acting for being so utterly bland, his score neither high enough for wonder nor low enough for notice.
Reese Witherspoon, with a similar score, has reaffirmed her reputation as a nice, wholesome girl, along with three out of five members of the Backstreet Boys. The remaining two having scored somewhat high, though only enough to warrant some property seizures and the confirmation of one rumor.
Michael Jackson has refused to take part in the survey, stating that it is biased against “black men of pale complexion”. Hollywood lawyers are presently debating whether Michael Jackson counts as black, male or of any complexion.
Tim Curry has reaffirmed the fact that he is the only man who can wear a corset and make a respectable career of it. McCauley Culkin has proven that a child star can retain a degree of cute after a decade and a half of real life.
Johnny Depp has proven his versatility once more and Cameron Diaz has justified her whip collection.
While it seems that this is one thorough examination that Hollywood can survive legal experts are concerned as to the precedent this sets. A morality test for public servants was bad enough, one for those in the public eye is a sign that things may progress too far.