Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 9/12/05

Corn
By, Grey Opinions

This is potentially the single most divisive issue humanity has ever faced, and yet even if you have chosen a side there is no clear answer to be had. Whether you are fore or against it you cannot escape the slight feeling of being on the wrong side after your choice.
In the US partisan politics have made the divide somewhat neat, though no less easy to hold. The Democrats have declared themselves in favor while the Republicans are solidly against. If Democrat Integrity and Republican Ingenuity mean anything, it’s that this debate will completely devolve into a battle that rivals sock puppets for maturity.
Russia has risked much by taking a firm stand against in this issue, however despite the rhetoric flying from Moscow many believe that this is nothing more than Vladimir Putin posturing, attempting to reinforce the public perception of Russian strength by appearing solid on an issue that is really of little consequence to his nation.
China has taken a firm stance in favor, which is hardly surprising given their still strict control over everything within their borders.
Still new and shiny Pope Benedict has decided to take a firm line on the issue, though possibly based entirely on popularity and politics.
Siding with the US President, against atheist China and alongside most of Italy, though against Germany, Benedict’s homeland in what most think is a move of solidarity to convince the homeland of Catholicism he is in their corner, the Vatican has stated emphatically that it is against the issue.
Australia and Northern Europe are considered fair weather supporters of the issue. Both are looking to woe US interests and put an end to the Reality TV that is draining so much of their broadcast time. Many believe that the Dutch are simply trying to apologize to the world as best they can, supporting the issue as if to say “sorry” for inventing “Big Brother”.
One of the few truly neutral states, Canada, is being looked upon with increasing suspicion by the rest of the world. The specter of Celine Dion still haunts the reputation of this nation, leaving them with few options but to eventually oppose the matter. Until then the cities of Ottawa, Vancouver and Toronto have become havens for everyone trying to avoid taking a stand on the matter.
This may be wishful thinking, unfortunately, as the events in France proved. So swift were the agents of the matter that France only had time to surrender once before being rendered completely unusable to the issue.
Some have wondered what International Terrorism Inc. thinks of these events. However since the beginning of the matter Osama Bin Ladin’s weekly video shows have taken such a dramatic downturn in popularity that he had to quite his opinion section altogether, instead switching to a cooking segment.
One thing is for certain this issue will change the way everyone does everything from this day forth. Those poor, ignorant few who have no idea what this is, let alone it’s utter significance to everyone forever will have no choice but to hide their humiliation behind vague references to the matter, earning nothing but scorn and deep, deep pity.