Past Opinion Articles
Article for the week of 7/19/05
Harry Potter promotes
reading and intelligence
Or How J. K. Rowling sinks to new low
By, Paul Mann (Editor and Weirdo)
Great ghosts of Monty Python and the Holy Grail! What sinister works
are at foot now and how can such a beastly set of events conspire? Children
reading, learning, grasping the desire to achieve great things. Yup, these
things represent the very heart and soul of Armageddon. Curse you J.K.
Rowling! Curse you and your little Potter too!
I almost turned down the volume on my 53 inch plasma TV, flipped off the
power switch for my PS2/XBOX/Game Cube/150 CD changer, stopped munching
my pack of special edition Star Wars Doritos flavored popsicles and closed
out my various links to popular secular music on my 3,000 dollar Ferrari
notebook computer when I heard another Hogwarts related book now poisoned
the local 37 Wal-Marts. (May be 38 if they can win the war against star
bucks) Mrs. Rowling seems to think one more book wonít harm the already
starved masses. Heresy I say! Sheís from Britain and thatís proof enough
to board up your houses. Why canít our children just be stupid in peace?
This time she has gone too far!
I donít overpay my congressmen to sit in their cushy chairs so they can
allow the young minds of this country to actually spring from blissful
ignorance. Hell no, I pay them to spend as much as they want on toilet
seats, fancy hair cuts and standardized testing. Why, this land was founded
on such wonderful principals such as suppressed speech and single-mindedness.
If our world leaders cannot stop a single mother with ambition to feed
and clothe her kids, then we may as well give into Osama right now. I
wouldnít be surprised if this kind of behavior leads to creativity and
I want to know what happened to the days when kids argued with their parents
over what Power Rangers toy they would get twice a week or when video
games were family friendly like Unreal Tournament. Canít we just leave
Harry Potter out of our lives and go back to the mindless shells under
the influence of South Park and the real Gilliganís Island? Who wants
to read when we have such wonderful talents such as Michael Moore or Bill
ĎOí Riley to worship while stuffing our faces with McGriddle cakes? If
I want to read I can log onto the internet and bypass that silly, primitive
paper. Gone are those days, along with our selfish ideas of low morality
and common sense.
J.K. Rowling is up to something and I donít like it. The woman knows no
bound and should be put in the nut job category with other evil people
such as J.R.R. Tolkien, Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein. I canít believe
the madness! Thinking and free will leads to change and we canít allow
Stand up for what you know is good for you! Iím going to hop in my SUV
right now and drive down to Washington. My anger will not remain contained!
Iím going to take a stand, say what Iím told to say gosh darn it. Just
give me a moment to remember what the heck I was griping about in the
Today's bit of sarchasm was brought to you by the letter H........