Last week's News
News article for the week of 5/15/05.
Nothing to See Here
By, Grey News
Official sources in Washington, London, Paris, Beijing, Moscow and Tokyo
have all reported that there is absolutely nothing newsworthy happening
in the real world.
While these sources could not vouch for the activities of celebrities,
small children or anyone in Muncie, Indiana they could be absolutely sure
that there was nothing worth reporting about happening anywhere else in
There were no mysterious black helicopters swooping in to pick up people,
vehicles or cows. All reports relating to such incidences have been dismissed
as cranks out only to cause panic and a spike in automobile and beef prices.
Similarly reports of massive flooding in India, resulting in the devastation
of entire cities have been proven as hoaxes. Though the intent behind
spreading this particular rumor is unknown, many speculate that it is
a deliberate attempt to sell more life preservers, or to continue the
massive charity frauds related to the Boxing Day Tsunami. Though this
might have been considered newsworthy in and of itself it actually is
not due to surveys that show people really donít want to hear how their
money, supposedly going to a good cause is being diverted to less wholesome
Similarly this almost news is going unreported due to another survey that
shows people really donít care about surveys.
This lack of news also means that the mysterious objects seen hovering
over Berlin are not actually there. These objects which regularly appear
over German cities were once dismissed as swamp gas and are now simply
not there. Any rumors of the regular panic, awe and attempts to analyze
these objects are simply not true since if they were happening something
would have been said by now.
When asked if this lack of news on a world wide scale was a sign of things
to come the assorted press secretaries, spokespeople and public relations
experts responded with a simultaneous chorus of ďAll is well. All is well.
All is well.Ē
Upon hearing that all is well journalists around the world responded with
a simultaneous sigh over the lack of anything to do or to justify their
own continuing salaries.
Do not for a moment think that this is news either as most of the major
networks and news agencies have prepared for this day and are more than
willing to wait out the storm by more in-depth probing into Ben Affleck,
Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and if need be Willie Nelson.
While many would consider this to be the worst news day in existence we
are fortunate that this is not the case. That title still belongs to the
day George Bush I announced his intent to take the 25 top Country and
Western musical hits and convert them all to spoken word for release on
CD and DVD complete with a dancing Barbara Bush chorus line.
This is only the slowest news day in existence, a much less threatening
Officials report that they expect something resembling news to occur tomorrow,
the day after that at the latest. Until then everyone is asked to remain
calm and not consider anything happening around them to be relevant to
their lives in any form.