Last week's News
News article for the week of 5/8/05.
Soft Toy Related Murders on the Rise
By Grey News
Investigators have officially declared that there is a relation between
soft toys and murders, that this information was kept from the public
to prevent a panic and to appease the powerful soft toy lobby and that
homicides with this sort of relationship are in fact on the rise.
These are not necessarily murders that result directly from soft toys
nor do they involve soft toys as the murder weapon. It has been revealed
that certain soft toys and soft toy related products have an unhealthy
influence over some people.
At the point the only fear that has been resolved is the fact that children
are largely unaffected, unless of course they have ever been referred
to as “little Timmy”.
Adults with large numbers of soft toys are particularly at risk, falling
under the thrall of their villainous influence. Unfortunately the simple
destruction of these toys before the incident does not decrease the likelihood
of their occurrence. Apparently once the soft toys have you in their claws
there is nothing you can do to escape.
Scientists are yet to fully decipher the means of control, since soft
toys can’t bribe anyone with chocolate they are thoroughly stumped and
hope to kidnap several people to conduct shadowy experiments in the hope
that they will resolve this or some other issue, preferably in relation
to waning support for the War on Terror or the ambivalence towards Martha
Satan, co owner and designer of the new Infernals range of soft toys has
denied any allegations that his products corrupt anyone, stating that
as long as everyone eats healthy food they should not feel any impulse
from his products to kill anyone.
And so the blame has been placed on the likes of McDonalds, Pizza Hutt,
Burger King and to a lesser extend KFC. Preliminary tests reveal that
unhealthy food does increase the likelihood of homicidal urges in those
who consume large quantities of sugar, fat and artificial colouring. In
short pretty much everyone in the Western world.
However since none of this is illegal fast food groups are passing the
buck on to the government, whom they claim should have been paying more
attention to what was being eaten and therefore more stringent in their
The governments of various nations, or at least those governments that
have cared to pay attention to this, have insisted that they cannot be
responsible for everything every individual person does or consumes, and
have therefore passed along all misgivings to the general public, who
the have stated are “. . . nothing more than a bunch of lazy, overfed
losers who expect Ma Government or Uncle Committee to legalise or ban
on a whim, therefore leaving them blameless.”
The public, being slightly less cohesive than governments, have failed
to issue a unified response other than to murder some of their own number.