Past News


Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/4/10.

Republican's hate new healthcare plan, want old, OLD healthcare plan
By, Cozmic

It is no secret that the Republican party hates President Barack Obama's new healthcare plan. Taking money from Medicare to pay for socialized medicine is just plain crazy, protesters say, oblivious to the fact that Medicare, as a concept, means socialized medicine.
No, rather than this new health care deal, which they hate, they have proposed an old health care plan. A very, very old one, in fact.
As we all know, or, well, as none of us know but we all speculate, the Dark Ages were a great time for being rich and a pretty terrible time for being poor. Sort of like utopia, then, which makes it less of a surprise that a group of Republican congressmen have stated that this is exactly what they want when it comes to health care. Leeches and all! The group has named itself Medieval Health Care Against Marxism, or MECHAM for short.
Said group have claimed that most modern medicine is far too close to witchcraft and should be abhorred, and instead, only older, some would say ancient, medical treatments are to be used. For instance, everyone knows bad blood is bad (which is why they call it bad blood), and since leeches suck blood, well, then leeches are automatically good. And of course, while they are rejecting scientific progress every step of the way, they fully intend to go back to the humeral theory, meaning people best be sure to keep lots of yellow goo inside them at all times. Just not too much, as this is very unhealthy and will be removed using a, hopefully reasonably clean, blade or maybe just a bunch of leeches.
While some people worry that this will result in another outbreak of the bubonic plague, supporters of the group have said that “Duuh, you can't get the bubonic plague unless you're a communist in Europe,” or, well, the ones who know what the bubonic plague was said that. They did, however, seem to lack geographical skills worth mentioning.
MECHAM have said that their main reason for wanting this reform is the horror stories they have heard from Canadians about needing to wait a bit for their nearly free health care, while everyone knows if you pay for leeches you get them right away, because who can resist the sadistic pleasure of draining another person's blood using seriously gross annelids while getting paid for it?
“Noone,” says MECHAM confidently. While this might be true, how many people will be willing to pay for such a procedure? MECHAM seems to have considered this too. “Who would want cheap and efficient medical treatment? Everyone knows f it is cheap and efficient, then it is from the DEVIL! An enemy of GOD! So you must not accept it, else you will burn in hell like all the other voters!”
Seems this is a democratic decision, then. Socialized medicine or tried and... tried.. leeches?

Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2010© Menu Bar By, Albatross