Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/1/10.
Nuclear Energy held
back by former vice-president
Nuclear energy might have a lot of bad things going for it, but it also has the whole “produces tons of energy” bit, meaning it stands for an extremely high amount of the electrical power our society sorely needs without taking up insane amounts of resources. It would stand for even more, but the crony of the guy who could never pronounce nuclear correctly is hogging it all for himself.
Said crony, of course, is Dick Cheney, who this Tuesday announced that he would take all the energy from nuclear power plants in order to power his pace maker. This has the added benefit, for Cheney, of being incredibly irresponsible use of energy, and also to make him super strong (for an old man who constantly gets heart attacks, at any rate) and make him, depending on your point of view, either harder or easier to hit with a car at night, since he now glows in the dark.
Cheney was asked why he decided being nuclear-powered was a good idea, besides the fact it now leaves the country in need of more oil, something the man obviously enjoys. His reply was that it is clear as day that the man is super-important for the world and he simply could not afford having a pace maker that could not bring him “back from the dead yet again”. When asked just what he meant by again, he declined to comment, but this was then followed up by “ooooiiiil” so nobody is quite sure what to make of that. Could it be that Cheney is not only glow-in-the-dark former vice president, but also zombie vice president? Speculation could run rampant, but finding out why his pace maker requires more power than most of Scandinavia seems to have taken priority.
Just what is Cheney up to lately anyway? Most of his vice presidency consisted of hunting terrorists, torturing possible terrorists, and going after oil. This could imply that “Nuclear Cheney” might very well be going after the same, although without the U.S Army to aid him, it would make sense for the man to turn into a walking nuclear reactor who refuses to die, be it from a weak heart or countless bullets fired from an AK-47 or an M-16 sold to terrorists by an earlier administration.
So what is the country to do while being protected from terrorists by a probably quite mad, possibly zombie, former vice president and having severe power problems? Be fiercely dependent on water, wind, coal and oil, of course, which is fine because wind barely works, water only wrecks streams nobody really cared about anyway, and coal and oil do absolutely nothing because as we all know from the bush-years, there is no such thing as the green house effect. But hey, we get rid of terrorists and radiation is centered around only one man now!