Last week's News
News article for the week of 2/21/10.
Stephen King Kidnapped
Author Stephen King has been kidnapped in the middle of a mysterious fishing expedition.
Ordinarily this would fit in perfectly with the writer’s own spooky, scary stories which play upon the innate fear of the unknown and unexpected in all of us, be it ghosts, aliens or government conspiracies, however this is turning out like one of M. Night Shymalan’s pieces of junk.
The fishing expedition was in fact a shopping run with his wife for new tropical fishes and a larger tank. It was mysterious because unbeknownst to King his wife planned on taking him to an all new Korean-German fusion restaurant for lunch. Anyone who’s eaten Korean-German fusion knows exactly how mysterious that can be.
Law enforcement officials have indicated that the evidence currently points to former vice presidential candidate, Alaskan governor and celebrity MILF Sarah Palin.
Rumour has it that Palin has been fixated with the Atlantis story King has been developing, believing that there is more truth behind it than anyone, even the infamous author, believes.
Palin staffers have been tight-lipped but the redneck drop out who impregnated her daughter has said that the governor believes that Atlantis will somehow help her win the 2012 election against Barak Obama.
Scientists are calling this complete and utter horse hockey, however political analysts are calling this a rare shrewd move from the nominally fluffy headed Palin. Not so much because it could work but between Obama’s innate charm and the difficulty of unseating an incumbent president means that any attempt to seek an advantage, even something like this, is a sign of improvement.
Further aiding Palin is a former reporter for this organisation who went on some sort of expedition and went completely bonkers upon hearing that Stephen King was going to write a fictionalised account loosely based on the experience.
While this writer has been undergoing treatment at an institution no one thought he had been released as he was clearly a danger to Mr King.
At this point no one thinks Stephen King is in mortal danger, Sarah Palin needs him alive, there long term outlook is less positive as he may outlive his usefulness.
This news organisation would like to express its sympathies to Stephen King’s family and friends and deeply regrets that a former employee has resorted to base terrorism as a result of mental stress.
We had tried to reach out to the poor man however it is clear that he is totally unsalvageable (unlike Grey Xphile who may one day be allowed to eat solid food in the company of others) and give third party permission to all law enforcement officials to aim for the head.