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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 7/30/09. Barak Obama Finds
Holy Grail Just as pundits and commentators were starting to say that the shine had come off of Barak Obama’s presidency the golden boy of Western politics has surprised everyone again. Following on groundwork laid by Jimmy Carter during his Whitehouse years, Barak Obama has followed obscure clues and hints that led him to find the fabled Holy Grail in the Whitehouse linen closed behind the pea green floral print sheets. The Holy Grail is, depending on which adventure movie you favour, either the cup that Jesus last drank from at the Last Supper, the bowl that caught blood from Jesus’ wounds at the crucifixion, or the bottle Jesus got all that wine from. Under any interpretation this has been taken as a positive sign for the US as seven out of ten holy relics cause some sort of uplift in mood, a definite bonus in the current economic climate. As to what the Holy Grail was doing in the US, let alone the Whitehouse to begin with is a bit of a mystery. Transported and guarded by the ancient order of Knights Who Say Nothing Copyrightable and guarded constantly by its members who were armed with Specifically Blessed Hand Grenades from the Turkish Region and were awaiting the return of the Holy One. Before anyone gets excited about it President Obama only got his hands on it because the guard was off getting a sandwich, and if it weren’t for a deep seated phobia regarding linen Jimmy Carter would have had it sooner. Many are quick to point out that while this may be a boon for President Obama the finding of an ancient and holy artefact may have dire consequences for the rest of us. This of course resorts to the Hitler Argument, as it is well known that Hitler possessed the Spear of Destiny, guaranteed to bring success to its possessor, as he rolled over Europe. Only the fact that Hitler lost the spear in a poker match with a time travelling Donald Trump, who brought it back to the present and split it with George W Bush to become the Spear of Almost Enough and the Wand of Lets Give it a Try, prevented the nut bar from being a greater danger. What secrets the Grail may hold, what could be learned from even passive study will have to wait. As a part of a deal brokered by Michelle Obama and Senator John McCain the Grail will be used by Bo, the First Pooch, who needs a new drinking bowl. The deal was made by both of the Obama girls in exchange for McCain and President Obama using one of the girls’ permanent markers to sign some treaty involving squash. Sarah Palin Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) The announcement that Alaskan Governor, former Vice Presidential Candidate and one time slug rancher Sarah Palin will be leaving politics has caused massive speculation as to why she is doing so with a year left to her gubernatorial term and what she will move on to in the future. According to her Tweets she has something big in mind for the future, however for the present critics are already gauging her actions. Spain, France, Norway and Brazil have all given her high marks on presentation, Palin has never skimped on clothes, however have given her middling marks on exit style, calling it rushed and containing too much speculation. China and Japan feel that her talent portion was lacking and her oration fair at best. In the bikini section Brazil proved to be a harsh critic though France, Japan and Spain were more forgiving, though Australia abstained from voting. Overall Sarah Palin has scored a 4.8, not enough to guarantee a presidential run in 2012, but also not enough to knock her out if she puts some effort into murdering the Redneck In Law who knocked up her daughter. |
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