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Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/1/09.

Harvard study reveals that working at work increases productivity
By Don Hellion

In a recent government sponsored study it was revealed that when people work at work they are more productive than when they do other things. Like surfing the Internet or playing solitaire on their computers.

The investigators were astounded by the results. All indications are that working could very well revolutionize the way people work. What was even more surprising was the revelation that not working significantly decreases worker productivity. Indeed sometimes it results in no work getting done at all! Similar findings were shown in the areas of avoiding work, putting off work, complaining about work instead of actually working, pretending to work and messing around, messing around is in fact detrimental to the work process was one of the conclusions of the study.

To conduct the study the staff of an insurance company was divided into two groups. And each group was given an assignment to be completed by the end of the day. The control group conducted normal workplace activities such as standing around talking, staring blankly at the computer screen and surfing the Internet. The other group was told to do work and finish its assigned tasks. Surprisingly the group that did not do any work failed to get any work done, while the group that did do work completed its assigned tasks.

The researchers feel that these lessons could be applied to other industries outside of the insurance field.

The study revealed that if an employee is assigned to process claim reports while doing a crossword puzzle, it will result in the successful completion of the task zero times out of 100, while processing claim reports will result in the successful completion of that assignment 100 times out of 100.

It was also found that working is also 100 percent more productive than listening to music and checking personal E-Mails, 100 percent more productive than wandering around the office chatting with co-workers, 100 percent more productive than visiting Internet porn sites, 100 percent more productive than napping, 100 percent more productive than updating FaceBook pages and looking for dates online and 98.2 percent more productive than not showing up for work.

The UAW and AFLCIO has expressed concern over the findings of the report They feel that the release of this information could create problems for the unions who feel that itís an infringement of the rights of workers to require them to actually work. One union member complained that it was tiring to work and if he was compelled to work he would be too tired after work to play softball in the after work softball league. Also working after a night of drinking was also difficult as it tended to aggravate hangovers.

The administration and congress are currently trying to suppress this report before all those talk radio people get a hold of it and have a field day.

Founding Fathers Return Broadcast

By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update)

The dead have risen, and they are annoyed with the political procedures of the United States of America.
The historic Founding Fathers of this great nation, including luminaries such as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Gomez Addams and the Easter Bunny have broken free of their cold, cold graves in order to re-revolutionise the American electoral process.
Apparently they are all appalled that there would be an election in America that roused so much apathy that voting slipped below the 50% mark.
In between attempting to satisfy his hunger for the flesh of the living John Hancock confirmed that they had risen to prove that even an election with candidates as dull and useless as Al Gore and George W Bush the process remains an important part of society.
When told it was nine years too late Hancock pointed out that they had been dead for centuries, speed was not their greatest skill.


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