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News article for the week of 6/23/09.


The Internet... Is it taking over our lives?
By Puns McKenna


The Internet is one of the largest sources of information and worldwide communication. People often use it in place of going to a library to do research, because itís easier than leaving the house.

Staying in touch with friends and family, buying goods and services, keeping track of events and programs, and even making decisions. The Internet makes the average humanís life that much easier, but the question becomes, has it made life too easy?

Taking a look at what the Internet is being used for gives us a birdís eye view into many Americanís daily lives. From the time they get up in the morning, many Americanís are tuned into their computers. With services like Twitter, the various Instant Messengers, and web cams, people are staying more connected with work, family, and friends than they were before. Many people actually telecommute to work now, which saves on gas and keeps the air a little cleaner, but is it really worth it?

The number of Americanís spending time outside has dwindled significantly. More and more people are becoming pasty and pale. With this new site that was recently released, Hunch.com those numbers may soar. The site is designed to help people make decisions. Now, the decisions are relatively mundane at this point, but could they become more important? Certainly!

The creators seeded the site with 500 topics to begin with. When they were in private Beta testing, the users added roughly 2,000 more topics. With the launch of the site this week, users will be able to add more topics and make the decisions more complex. Topics currently range from the truly mundane to the somewhat important.

The big concern now, is whether or not people will stop thinking entirely once sites like these are operational. It stands to reason that people will stop thinking independently once they have a website that will do their thinking for them. Theyíll still have to ďthinkĒ to get up, go to the bathroom, eat, etc, but the more unassuming choices of what to eat, where to go, how to get to the bathroom, etc will be done by a mathematically driven computer brain.

Is it dangerous to start relying on computers to make our decisions for us? In the opinion of this reporter and the free thinking peoples of the world, yes. It is dangerous for people to stop thinking for themselves. Can you imagine if the world ended up being run by machines? Would we have a world much like that seen in movies like The Matrix or perhaps the Terminator movies? Would you want to live in a world like that? Would anyone? If we give up our freedom of choice, where will it stop? What freedoms wonít we be willing to give up? This path that computer dependence is leading us down is a dangerous one to tread. We need to be careful that we donít cross the line and become mindless automatons.


La Costranota is handing out pink slips.

By, Don Hellion


It has now hit the point that even organized crime is having difficulties making a profit. With the economic down turn even the mob has to tighten its belts. As legitimate companies are being forced to lay off employees the mob too is being forced to down size. In the case of the mob they have concluded that hit men are not cost effective and that is where the bulk of the layoffs have been. This has created some problems for the laid off hit men since that is a job skill that has little value outside the mob, especially since there is no unemployment insurance for laid off mobsters.

Vinny the Shiv is one of the newly unemployed and has been hit especially hard.

ďI donít know what Iím going to do for work now. The only think I know how to do is bump people off. Nobody is looking for hit men right now. Itís just not right. I canít even collect unemployment. Like how is a guy supposed to pay the bills? Itís just not right! In the old days they took care of you. Now they just dump you I tell you itís just WRONG! Nobody wants to hire an old hit man I donít know nothing else to do.Ē

An entire way of life was being destroyed by the recession and his profession was not the only one being hit. As funds tightened up the women that high level mobsters like to have on their arms out in public to help create an image are also being hit hard. Since they have less money for going out to restaurants the escorts are becoming redundant. Drivers too are finding their hours cut back as the social events are less than plentiful.

Another unanticipated effect has been a drop in the business at Italian restaurants, as the mobsters are staying home more. Surprisingly enough, the sales of Italian wines have actually risen slightly as the mobsters are drinking more at home.

Itís been rough on the ďLadies of the NightĒ as well. As people have less disposable income there has been a drop in the use of high-end prostitutes. This has led to lay-offs of many girls and reduced hours for the remainder.


Oil Price Rising Broadcast

By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update)


It was announced today that oil prices would continue increasing at their present rate not in spite of the economy but because of it.
As it turns out the lower prices were not encouraging in increasing consumption of oil as few were willing to pay unless they had to (other than the occasional Chupacapra), decreasing profits.
Consequently the owners of the oil conglomerates could no longer afford enough super fluffy, gold woven, mink polished, hand cranked tickle duster feathers to see them through the day.
Without super fluffy, gold woven, mink polished, hand cranked tickle duster feathers these men of industry would find themselves slightly less happy as they tanned themselves in sunlight reflecting from their gold or as they ate their meals with fine silverware off the bare backs of lesser human beings.
Thus prices will be constantly fixed so that super fluffy, gold woven, mink polished, hand cranked tickle duster feathers are always affordable.
When met with protests from consumers spokespeople for the company owners were quoted as saying ďtough.Ē

 



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