Last week's News
News article for the week of 6/6/09.
Potential Found in
Between hurricanes, voting irregularities, driveby Bryan Adams concerts and a population with an average age of 62, rumours abound that the state of Florida will eventually voluntarily depopulate.
Most of the elderly population is expected to move to Arizona, while Spring Break will hit the new party hotspot of Hoboken, New Jersey.
State officials are not happy with the prospect, however since no one would try to make them stay either, little effort is being put into trying to prevent something everyone wants, and to be honest right now the federal government just wants its tax dollars, so it doesnít care if a taxpayer is living in Americaís wang or the sandtrap state.
All the same no one likes the idea of a totally empty state just lying there for squatters to take over, so some thought is being put into what is effectively Floridaís retirement.
One option in the past was to turn it into a giant gun battery aimed at Communist Cuba, as a deterrent to another missile crisis. Unfortunately President Obama had to go make friends with Cuba, leaving thousands of giant gun manufacturers facing the bleak prospect of the unemployment line.
Thanks a bunch Barak.
At the moment there is a very popular option of using Florida as the new Monster Island. The old Monster Island, sitting just off the coast of Maine, is becoming worn down, the upholstery is beaten, the wallpaper faded and most monsters there find themselves unable to really chase down the human sacrifices routinely offered to them. A change of scenery may be exactly what they need, and analysis shows that most people will forget itís a giant peninsula after three decades.
The Disney corporation has approached the government about converting Florida into itís new project: Disneystate!
Larger than Disneyland or Disneyworld, Disneystate would be the globeís largest entertainment theme park, and would feature highway long rollercoasters, single restaurants that take up entire blocks, and the lines would only be as large as they are now.
Food would be grown and prepared entirely within state/park lines, meaning that there would be little need to retrain or kick out illegal workers who would become the indentured underclass of this wonderful new land, unable to leave and totally unrepresented as they, their children and their childrenís children become property/employees of Disneycorp.
Mexico is naturally outraged at this and has put its hand up for Florida, but only as long as itís free.
This lead to French noses being put out of joint as Florida was a part of a large land purchase from them at one point, brought by the USA as a price they claimed practically made it a gift, and so should not be passed on to someone else, that would be poor manners.
Of course there still remains the option of detonating charges along the state border and letting Florida float off to Europe, Africa or South America and letting it be their problem.
Angry Mob Broadcast
By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update)
Recent studies into the global economic meltdown have shown that no industry is safe.
Automotives, technology, farming, tourism, even angry mobs are all at threat as the crunch hits wallets everywhere.
Even as the number of unemployed grows, the number of rioting mobs decreases, leaving institutions unsullied, torches unlit, monsters still misunderstood but they get to go on Dr Phil bout it, and forks unpitched.
Once upon a time the streets would be lined with angry mobs tearing apart anything they perceived as being the root cause of the recession, now one would be lucky to find an angry group or even a disgruntled horde.
One worker told us that although the demand was high the backing simply wasnít there to supply the angry mobs of old, and as such once the economy picks up the angry mob will surely return.
Certain pundits are pointing to this as further evidence of the lack of work ethic in the modern American employee.
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