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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 5/28/09. Super Billionaire
Friends Club Assembles Quite possibly the most awkward and inconvenient crime fighting unit in the world assembled in New York this morning to announce its existence. The Super Billionaire Friends Club apparently came together when a group of extraordinarily wealthy and likeminded individuals decided to band together, pooling their talents and their petty cash funds to fight crime, evil and petty mortals bent on proving that money can’t buy happiness. The current roster is impressive, consisting of the following: Steve Jobs, with his power of making things shiny, white and sexy. Bill Gates, who possesses the power to be abusive, megalomaniacal, monopolistic, hated and still succeed. Donald Trump, possessor of the awesome Comb Over of Improbability. Rupert Murdoch. We shouldn’t have to say anything else. Martha Stewart with her ability to hide warp justice and reality to suit her needs and apparently hide a spare billion or so because no one thought she’d make this list. And some guy named Barry Fontaine, who apparently built a fortune in construction, invested it carefully, diversified, saved and basically did a lot of boring stuff and got rich. Oh, and he has some sort of eye laser power, the ability to talk to amphibians or something like that. Bernie Madoff was going to be a part of the group, since he apparently has super strength, speed and limited telepathy, but then it was discovered that his billions weren’t actually real but a by-product of his impressive power of swindling and illusion, and inclusion in the club requires real millions. Also Paris Hilton is claiming right of membership by name, even though she’s a part of the wrong branch of the Hilton clan and only has a few score million to her name. One would think that such an organisation, whatever the powers of the individual, would be so crippled by the competing egos, however each empowered billionaire has a team of people to talk to the other empowered billionaire’s people. There is talk of a reality TV show coming out of this. One would think that the combination of so much wealth and physical power at a time of economic depression, coupled with the fact that this group effectively controls 97% of the world’s media outlets, 76% of the world’s government, 111% (no that isn’t a typo) of the global manufacturing industry and 7% of all comic books would be a disaster. It isn’t. All is well. These are happy, happy prosperous times as the might of this grand organisation rises above us as shepherd and herald, to guide us into the glorious future they have envisioned. And it all starts with solid gold easy chairs. Now is the time to learn the art of auric needlepoint. Bullying Futures Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) School bullies banded together today in a rare show of solidarity as the full impact of their futures has been released in a federal report. Findings that 90% of all bullies wind up as drywallers, talent agents or hammer salesmen have forced these schoolyard terrors to gather and demand that society do more to offer them options as they attempt to take lunch money. Tired of being dominated in adult life by the nerds they victimised bullies everywhere are demanding full government representation (under threat of wet willie), a special commission to advance the betterment of bullies outside of school (or else there will be wedgies) and the appropriation of funds to advance the science of bullying so that it can remain competitive in the 21st Century as a means of emotional scaring (under threat of swirlies). Bullies have long claimed that their actions contribute to the mental endurance of some of the world’s greatest minds in the world’s weakest bodies, and now want recognition for that fact. World leaders have responded by calling their mothers who will talk to the bullies mothers. |
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