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News article for the week of 4/14/09.

Olympic Competition Cutdown
By Grey Sports

Realistically it had to happen sooner or later. The original Olympic Games, still referred to as simply “The Olympic Games”, and its organisers have always been sensitive about others using the “Olympic” moniker.
Relations have been tense with the Special Olympics since the latter’s founding, however there has been no way to shut them down without being vilified in by the public as horrific monsters for picking on the handicapped who are trying, just trying so hard.
The Commonwealth Games are barely tolerated as the backwards cousin to the Olympics because it was where all the ugly or Canadian athletes were sent, and because it was always two years after the Olympics it acted much like a warm-up for the main event.
After the 2004 Olympic Games officials began to complain that the “Olympic” brand, so to speak, was being thrown around with increasing disregard, as if any sizable sporting event could lay claim to the prestige and reputation of the only truly world wide sporting event.
According to sources newly uncovered information indicates that some pretty heavy threats were made to Chinese officials to prevent every sporting event in China (and those guys love their sports) having an Olympic name and at least one of the coloured rings involved.
Supposedly not only was the committee willing to pull out of Beijing on a month’s notice, they were willing to go back to Athens if they had to.
Naturally Beijing complied, the rest of the world is somewhat bolder.
The Olympics of Chess has effectively drawn a line in the sand, demanding that Chess be included in the Olympics proper or they will use the brand and a form of the rings logo modified just enough to get away with it for at least ten years.
The newly created Unemployed Olympics, where the newly unemployed compete in a host of sports involving office equipment and water coolers, may not get a second season as Olympic Officials have contacted police and former employers regarding stolen stationary an office equipment.
Even more sinister is the abrupt cancellation of Little Billy’s Backyard Olympics a mere three hours before the event was scheduled to begin, with Little Billy’s yard flooded, his dog shaved, and witnesses reporting Little Billy being dragged into an official Olympic Games vehicle.
Little Billy’s parents have issued a statement asking for the return of their son before curfew or he’s in big trouble.
Spokespeople for the Olympic Committee have defended these actions, called heavy handed and not in the spirit of Christmas, as necessary to maintain their brand and reputation for quality, much as record companies like Sony have against illegal file sharing.
“If we just sit on our hands and do nothing,” Christian Bingo, Olympic Committee spokesman said at one press conference, “The the Olympic Games will become known as nothing more than an excuse for the masses to congregate and party while others make money, instead of the fine, highly politicised sporting event it is. And we don’t care about Christmas spirit, Santa stays out of our way and we stay out of his.”
Later comments indicate that what Mr Bingo was trying to do was promise quality games and threaten Santa, not the general public.

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