Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/24/09.
AIG in PR OT
By Grey Business
The political and public backlash against AIG, recent recipient of gobs of American taxpayer money, over the intended paying out of bonuses to executives, including those who have left the company or were in some way responsible for the financial giant’s near collapse (which some insiders are desperately trying to have relabelled a “stubbed toe”) has been incredible.
Republicans and Democrats are baying for blood, and sales of handguns have increased by 75% as the public demands the right to hunt these individuals down for bounties equivalent to 20% of the bonuses in question.
AIG chiefs have tried everything from hand waiving to the jingling of bright shiny objects as a distraction, all to no effect.
Now they have resorted to increasingly drastic measures as every politician attempts to eviscerate the company in an attempt to placate an increasingly angry public.
Justifications have been used, legal loopholes, even asking for the bonuses back.
The fact is that these bonuses were written into contracts as legal guarantees, and the recipients are determined to receive what money they can before they find they are unable to work anywhere, including a McDonald’s outlet, due to the gross incompetence they have shown in their work to date.
There are two main solutions being offered in addition to the 90% tax on these bonuses that bend the law while still giving everyone a chance at what they want, be it bonuses, non-payment of bonuses or human blood splashed over the arcane alter of a demonic god-being.
One is that everyone due a bonus takes an “additional proficiency test”, which if successful will prove they are worth the money that is to be paid to them.
This test would take the form of the time honoured flaming pit of death, a circular pit about three metres deep, surrounded by fire and containing four regularly arranged flaming piles. Weapons ranging from swords, pikes, tridents and daggers, to whips and limp wristed left-wing hand wringing folk-pop albums will line the walls of the pit, and be used by the applicants to maim and kill their fellows in a series of contests that will winnow the weak from the people who want money. Much like a kinder, gentler version of American Idol.
The second option is to help George W Bush write his presidential memoirs so that they are taken seriously by all and successfully portray the former president as conscientious, erudite, thoughtful and not a boob.
When faced with the prospect of a 90% tax on their bonuses, ghost writing for former president Bush or facing off against their colleagues in a flaming pit of death most took the latter option, though there are rumours that the IRS is interested in investigating anyone with more than 89% tax, which may be more of a motivating factor than the belief that a flabby, unfit, overfed executive can successfully compete in blood sports against equally flabby, unfit, overfed executives.
If Sesame Street taught us nothing else, it was that being a blood gutting shark in the business world is of no assistance against knives, sharp sticks, and Bryan Adams compilation CD.
California to file Chapter 7
By, Don Hellion
After much consideration it has been decided that the only solution to California’s financial problems is to file a chapter 7 bankruptcy. The Governor, Arnold Shwarzenegor, when asked why he was going for Chapter 7 (which calls for a complete liquidation of all assets instead of going for chapter 11 reorganization), he replied that the debts were just too large and it would be easier to just sell everything off.
Right now Michigan and Bollywood are bidding on Hollywood and the People’s Republic of China is going to buy all the offshore oil and gas. Mexico is looking at So Cal. And Arizona, Nevada and Utah are all looking at the mountains they figure they can tap into the snow melt. Canada is looking at taking the coast lines for windmills.
When the Chinese were asked about how they planned to get around the environmentalists when they try to drill, their reply was that would not be a problem… “Any protesters will be thrown in jail for being an enemy of the people… just like we do at home. We don’t understand why you let them get away with what they do over there.”
Meanwhile the three states bidding on the mountain regions are looking forward to tapping into the water there to solve their water problems. Once they own that area they won’t have to worry about protests from Californian farmers because they won’t be buying that area.
There have not been any offers for San Francisco yet, but a group of Native Americans has put a bid in for Alcatraz Island. A consortium of French wine makers has expressed an interest in Napa Valley and a group from India is looking at Silicon Valley. There thus far has been no interest shown in Death Valley. A couple of Mormon groups have shown some interest in areas of Northern California They are wanting to establish a country where plural marriage is legal and the age that girls can be married is nine.
The United States Department of State is reminding purchasers of Californian assets that it will still be part of the United States and still subject to U.S. laws. It remains to be seen what effects that will have on some of the sales. The Mormon groups are claiming that their plans would be a states rights issue and that Federal laws are not covering the marriages and so they are not worried. State Department attorneys say that Federal child abuse laws still apply. The Mormons promise a challenge in the courts. The Chinese similarly claim that they should also be allowed unrestricted drilling of the California coast if they buy it. The Mexicans on the other hand maintain that the parts they are buying used to belong to them anyway so they claim that they should be allowed to annex them into Mexico. Besides, most of the residents there are Mexicans anyway.
The whole thing promises to get messy.
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