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News article for the week of 3/2/09.

Penguins to become pedicure agent of choice
By Cozmic

Following a recent decision from the Florida Board of Cosmetology , forbidding live carp to nibble dead skin off of people's toes as a form of pedicure, the international association of penguins have, through various sounds and bombthreats, declared their intent to become the best pedicure agents in the entire world. The birds have decided not to cause the health issues the carp did, and as such, win. When this is not an option the fact that penguins eat fish is bound to play a part in quickly establishing dominance in places where the carp is not banned, such as Asia.
But penguins, unlike fish, do not eat dead skin, so to do the actual pedicure, they need to practice far more experimental techniques, such as needling dead skin away, or using a very fine cheesegrater. While not producing the same tingling sensation as the fish, and in fact, sounding rather unpleasant, penguins have proven to be quite skilled at what they do, and picking dead skin off one tiny bit at a time using what looks like a tattoo-machine merely tickles, rather than hurt like hell like the finestyle cheesegrater. So possibly they might be on to something, but the problem is a hard-to-solve one, as most people's feet are rather ticklish, causing them to laugh, causing the penguins to get totally furious as they feel they are being made fun of. The main problem with a furious penguin is that, in their plan for world domination, penguins are already subtly violent creatures, or so it is believed, since noone has actually ever been able to apprehend a penguin after a bombthreat, or linked the international association of penguins to the bombings of the North Pole occurring over almost annually since the 1930's.
Add to that that it is still not the perfect method of cleaning toes, which is what the penguins have to become if they truly wish to be the goto-choice for any and all pedicurists.

Whether this is yet another drive to rule the world or simply an easy way to get food, now that climate changes are screwing up life for most species of penguins is anyone's guess, but an honest day's work seems almost too perfect for a species known to be sneaky beyond compare. The penguins themselves have refused to comment, instead working on getting the new therapeutic technique launched all over the United States, focusing especially on the states of Florida, Washington, Massachusetts, Texas and New Hampshire, where the carp enemy has been outlawed, providing the penguins with a good test-environment and a practical bridgehead for breaking into the pedicure business. Analysts say the next likely move will be a battle for California, notably Los Angeles and San Francisco, in an attempt to make sure no carp can steal such a vital spot, although the most foul techniques are expected to be deployed in Asia, the enemy's home territory, because the penguins are here to win this.

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