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News article for the week of 1/11/09.
The Great Presidential Day One Do and Do Nots List
By Grey Politics
As President Elect Barak “Golden Boy” Obama prepares to take the reins of power from an increasingly shabby looking George W “Kick Me” Bush we would like to offer a few suggestions for the new boy that someone should have offered George. And Bill. And George before that. And probably Ronald, certainly Jimmy, definitely Gerald . . . Well you get the point.
First of all, do not laugh in a maniacal fashion, especially in this day and age when cameras are everywhere.
Furthermore do not rub your hands together while smiling, it just looks bad, if it weren’t for the wheelchair people probably would have cottoned on to FDR’s evil schemes a lot sooner, not to mention the fact that if there were cell phone cameras in those days they would have seen all the damsels he tied to train tracks while twirling his long moustaches.
Which leads to the second major point: take time to acclimatise to the media attention. The worst habits of yourself and your family will be spread around the world.
Strangely enough you can desensitise the audience. Picking your nose once is disgusting, pick it all the time and people stop noticing.
Don’t experiment by eating it, we don’t know what that will do.
Do take the opportunity to do a short victory dance around the oval office, Day One may be the only time you ever feel like doing it and the staffers and press will understand.
Do not do an extended victory dance, with cartwheels, summersaults, slamming down the victory ball and fireworks. Everyone remembers when Calvin Coolidge did that, no has yet forgiven him.
Similarly do not do any sort of victory dance that involves rubbing your opponent’s or the outgoing president’s nose in the fact. Many assumed Bill Clinton did that to Bush I when in fact he was just being smug, however his presidency suffered for it.
Don’t start a war without finishing the ones the last guy started, and if you do start a war stay out of South East Asia. In fact stick to Europe, all the good wars have been in Europe, go kick someone there.
Choose celebrity guest sidekicks well. Britney Spears is rebounding but it’s only a matter of time before she finds a bottle of Nyquil and starts downhill again.
If you’re going to have an affair please have some taste and try for something better than an intern. Secretary at least by no higher than a personal assistant.
If you’re going to die suddenly please be wearing pants at the time.
Ignore Russia, they’re just trying to look tough by being the bully. Stay away for Vietnam, they’ve got pink eye. Try to be nice to Italy because no one else is.
Turn the other cheek to insults, but that doesn’t work with bullets.
Do as Washington, Lincoln and Kennedy did and be sure to connect with the common, everyday people as they are the ones who got you where you are now.
Do not do as Washington, Lincoln and Kennedy did and begin your daily routine by kicking goldfish.
And finally, learn how to pronounce “nuclear”, and stay away from that big red shiny button labelled with that word on it.
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