Last week's News
News article for the week of 7/23/08.
Furniture Related Deaths on the Increase
By Grey Events
A little reported set of crimes based around furniture has been on the increase of late. Once thought to be the purview of Darwinesque home accidents, death by furniture has become the shock new method of dispatching someone because of the long standing pratfall based reputation.
It is not commonly known but 2% of home related deaths involve furniture stabbing, slashing, slicing, decapitating or, in at least two recorded cases, drowning innocent inhabitants and guests.
This is more than a simple glass table shattering and stabbing someone in the kidneys accidentally, one Kansas woman was dismembered when she incorrectly sat down on her sofa.
An awareness group was formed by grieving family members who now want warning labels on all furniture to include the slight danger these every day household items possess as cutting, stabbing or drowning implements.
It turns out that all they have done is raise awareness in killers of this innocuous, possibly even inconspicuous method of killing someone.
Consequently furniture murders are on the rise.
In New York several deaths involving known Mafia informants stabbed in the eye with footstools are not thought to be accidental, but the beginning of a new signature.
One woman who claimed that her husband fell down the stairs and repeatedly stabbed himself in the back with an end table was taken seriously until it was discovered that she had bought the end table only two days earlier and it clashed with the rest of the decor in the house.
Naturally the popular media have picked up on this. The hit TV show Bones featured a victim who had slipped and been crushed by the inner workings of their lazy boy, Keifer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer character is set to interrogate a loyal US citizen suspected of being Canadian using a blowtorch, two fudge brownies and an antique barstool once used by Calvin Coolidge.
One man, impaled on an easy chair, is not being considered murder, as a recent episode of CSI: David Caruso’s Ego involved a storyline where a man faked his own murder for insurance purposes in a similar manner, stabbing himself through the chest with a loveseat using a disintegrating pulley system and Tom Green to make it look like a murder so the victims wife could collect the life insurance.
As in the episode Tom Green is not considered a suspect because this sort of thing requires competence and ability.
David Caruso has been arrested for obstructing justice when he offered to help the investigation personally, removed his sunglasses, made a pithy pun, put his glasses back on and started dancing as if The Who were playing.
With luck Caruso will receive the death penalty and the CSI franchise will be saved.
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