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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 6/24/08. Firefox Declared Tool of the Devil By Grey Technology The release of the new version of the Firefox Internet browser and the subsequent and tentatively successful attempt at a world record number of active downloads in a minute has caused a less than entirely pleasant revelation. Apparently it was long ago prophesised by the Apple Founders that there would one day be a twizzed (word equivalent to download, remember this is from the stone age of computers) so heavily downloaded that it would tear a rip in the electronic ether (now believed to refer to the Internet) that would allow the passage of demons and spirits most foul into the data stream. It’s unknown if this is a reference to actual demons and spirits or if it’s something more mundane like a virus that could shut down computers everywhere. Not that anyone is overly worried. There is still some dispute over whether this was the most downloaded programme or just had the most downloads occurring within a specific time frame. Many are sure that Paris Hilton’s debut movie (you know, the pornographic one everyone pretends not to have) has been downloaded far, far, far, far more often, not only becoming the heaviest download but also the only piece of Paris Hilton associated media anyone wants to see willingly. Furthermore there is some doubt as to the source of the prophecy. Not so much that the Apple Founders could predict the future or deliver dire warnings technology lovers everywhere should concern themselves with, it’s just that the prophecy was unveiled by Donald Rumsfeld. What s Donald Rumsfeld doing delivering portents of doom regarding computers anyway? At any rate the unsurprising has happened: a massive internet based debate. As the number of chat rooms, message boards and forums is technically uncountable it is unknown how large the debate is, however it is expected that at least seventy of the biggest nerds in the Western Hemisphere, as well as two thirds of the teenage male population of South Korea are at this very moment fiercely typing away with theories about what doom may fall with the rise of Firefox. What is known is that the careless flaming has resulted in the termination, closure and even collapse of five percent of the “most popular” (whatever that means) message templates on the Internet. Part of the reason is because of the rampant rumour that whoever wins these debates (how they’re going to judge that I don’t even want to guess at) will be declared “The winner of the Internet, no really for real this time”. Of course if the demons and evil spirits are more than just a metaphor, or even if they are and the rest of the prophecy comes to pass then winning the Internet may mean even less than what it does now. |
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