Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/9/08.
Sealed With Dark Ritualistic Slaying of Happy Days Cast
With John McCain attaining the undisputed Republican nomination for the 2008 presidential race, a victory so solid and undeniable it makes the Democrats look like a bunch of dress wearing toads, the Republican Party has chosen to celebrate and seal this event with John McCainís chosen ceremony, the dark bloodletting of the entire cast of Happy Days.
Such an extreme display has not been seen since the glory years of the Regan administration, where four Brady children were burned at the stake after victory against Mondale.
The Republican Party is known for itís victory rituals, frequently involving the killing and maiming of the famous, though normally not liberal celebrities, something about the Republican Party requires that it feasts on itís own kind.
It should be noted that this sort of thing is still better than Democratic Party rituals, which frequently involve hand holding and kicking the elderly.
Celebration of this magnitude has not been present even in the presidential victories of either Bush, primarily because George seniorís was seen as a quirk victory considering the unusual nature of a Vice President succeeding an incumbent President, and no one thought much of Georgie Junior, especially after that last election.
However the dynamic, charismatic, straight talking senior citizen McCain is seen as the best chance for the Republicans to maintain their hold on the presidency since it was confirmed once and for all that George W. Bush could not stand for a third term no matter how big a temper tantrum he threw.
Exactly who and what are to be considered cast members of Happy Days is a matter of some debate.
Certainly the likes of Henry Wrinkler, Tom Bosley and the Fonzeís Motorcycle are core cast members and will certainly be gruesomely slaughtered.
Most likely so will those who played Potsie, Ralph Mouth and the infamous Jumped Shark, a particularly sad individual who has been in and out of rehab centres hoping to be noticed or at least photographed with other celebrities who are attending the centres for actual problems.
Difficulty arises over the likes of Chachie, that guy in the school and Richieís wife. They were on the show but they were hardly important. And this doesnít even cover Chuck Cunningham, who according to records may have been sacrificed three or four times by now, or may simply still be upstairs.
The Democrats are shrugging off this display, while embroiled in their own candidate war that has seesawed enough to qualify as a Disney ride they lack the focus necessary to fight the Presidential race just yet.
This does not make it any easier for McCain, for while he can campaign for President sooner he has no clearly defined opponent to attack.
Some believe that this gory bloodletting of aging and half forgotten stars is in fact a means of stalling the Presidential leg of the Republican campaign until they know exactly who they have to fight, the wily Clinton, a well oiled political machine with concealed adamantium claws, or the charismatic Obama with the resplendent Kennedy aura and a history so clean itís being examined as a replacement for Teflon.
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