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News article for the week of 1/13/08.

Culinary Killer Strikes Again!
By, Puns McKenna (Related Article- Culinary Killer on the Loose)

The Culinary Killer has poisoned two innocent restaurant goers in another random attack. The names of the victims are being withheld pending notification of next of kin. However the poison is being disclosed in order to keep more restaurant patrons from falling victim. Organophosphate poisoning has not been commonly talked about in years, but now we’re seeing it used insidiously in the restaurant industry.
Commonly used in the rare mass suicides and in agricultural areas as pesticides, Organophosphate’s are easily detectable. First discovered in the nineteen-forties, this chemical has been considered in human vs. human warfare. Civilized populations since their beginning have frowned on Biochemical attacks. Now, we see them used in small scale actions such as this serial killer is using and the Nazi’s used during the second World War on innocent Jews.

Police are confounded by the use of these chemicals and are beginning to look into local Neo-Nazi activities in the area. Angry farmers have also been cited as one possible source for the attacks. As a precaution, some restaurants are now using synthetic substitutes for organic vegetables and meat products. Also, in some of the restaurants that have been hit by this serial killer, Diner Safety Packets are being passed out. All patrons are given a package roughly the size of a box of envelopes when they enter each establishment.

Each package contains a few of the essential items that a diner will need. Salt and Pepper; small jar’s of mustard and ketchup; paper napkins and plastic silverware. There is also a small card on which the eating establishment has printed all known poisons and their antidotes. Each waitperson has also been given a small box to carry in their apron. Each of their boxes contains vials of antidotes. In this way restaurants are trying to be more prepared for an attack.

Food critics are desperately trying to lay their hands on these packages. Reports say that they have been unsuccessful in bribing the waitstaff of local restaurants. Some say that, while the bribes of good reviews and such are very nice, they are not worthwhile enough to endanger the health and lives of their paying customers. So, for now at least, food critics will have to find other ways to protect themselves and their interests.

Emotional Outbursts Newest Nominee Tactic
By, Grey politics

Hilary Clinton had been considered a dead duck in the Presidential nominee selection free for all after a disastrous loss in Iowa until she cried, leading to an astounding victory that proved political pundits are as accurate as weather forecasters, CIA WMD reports and Clucky the two toed rooster once used by Howard Hughes to place bets on football. Clucky by the way was a New York Knicks fan, which just goes to show how screwed up that was.
Nevertheless with the race wide open on both sides with independents, crackpots, extremists and smile enthusiasts draining votes away from major candidates, especially in the Republican branch which appears to have fractured along key policy lines (specifically the War on Terror, Gun Control, Family Values, the Environment, the Economy and whether this whole thing where women get to vote is still a good idea), the tactic of the moment is showing emotion.
Hilary was considered to be an ice queen, but a few tears have show that she is capable of mimicking human emotion, possibly even possessing a modicum.
This sort of thing is now without precedent, an angry outburst by Regan showed he had steel and won him the election, reportedly Lincoln was thought of as dull and humourless until he laughed at a knock knock joke on the campaign trail, proving he did have a sense of humour, just not a very good one.
Barak Obama has kept things low key, with his current direct opponent leading the charge he wishes to avoid charges of mimicry for the moment, and has limited himself to a trembling lip and a misty eye.
On the other side of the field Rudy Gulianni, never subtle and never one to do things by half, was seen yanking nose hairs by the dozen to bring forth a torrent of tears at a recent appearance. No one responded well.
Fred Thompson, well known to be an actor, has had trouble convincing anyone that his emotions are real, a recent smile was thought to be another chin developing, while a mournful look of sorrow when visiting the scene of a nine veteran pile up looked more like half his forehead had slipped down again.
Meanwhile Mike Huckabee, evangelist and extremist in all things, has been seen enjoying a joke or two, laughing manically and claiming that this time he’ll get that Batman and his jailbait sidekick.
Finally Hilary Clinton, not wasting time trying to prove that the tears were real, is rumoured to be practicing facial expressions to capitalise on her surprise win, the results so far have scared small children and no small few adults.

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