Last week's News
News article for the week of 11/30/07.
Global rioting unions calls situation
in France unacceptable
It is not just the French president Nicolas Sarkozy who finds the riots in the Val d'Oise region of France unacceptable. Professional rioting unions all over the world are also in an uproar. “This is an outrage!” said a spokesperson who would rather remain anonymous but does tend to deal in the shadier parts of sports, right before hurling a half-brick at a store that sold baguettes in an attempt to start a good unionised riot and force every fast food chain in the neighbourhood to start selling freedom fries instead of the French variety again. “Do they really think they can get away with this? They're sullying the good name of rioters everywhere, not to mention that they lack the healthcare the union provides! I tell you, joining the union is a lot cheaper than hollow-point wound care.”
Apparently shooting police is outside the scope of regular rioting, and is not supported by the global rioting union's guidelines anywhere. Hurling rocks is considered perfectly fine, however, as is looting, setting cars on fire, and trying to beat people up, preferably the police, as otherwise “real people might get hurt, and that makes it harder to get the public to support you when negotiating for a better deal”.
However, the global union is slightly divided as to the fighting itself. Some claim that the rioting is happening for a perfectly good reason, albeit very poorly executed, while the group that refers to itself as the hooligans claim it is totally moronic, as you need at least a good sports match to either lose or win, or tie, or have called off, get kicked out of the league, lose the play-offs or pretty much whatever, to riot, and that the citizens of Villiers-le-Bel should learn some proper etiquette.
They are, however, united in their belief that foreign “help” needed to enter the northern parts of the French capital Paris to sort out the situation. This argument is backed by people wanting to follow in the French's example trying to start other non-unionised riots, which were all broken up and calmed down within minutes by local police.
“These people have no idea what they are doing! You cannot just tip over a car and set it on fire, there are ways to do this to make sure you do not suffer burns r injure your back and stuff! If you do, and you are unionised, we will of course back you up, but these people seem to refuse our offers!” It seems that this might just be a knee-jerk reaction to the offers being sent in either English, or French but making it clear that some people are in fact English or American in the union.
Apparently it is getting to the point where the union considers sending representatives to start counter-riots in the south part of Paris, but this has met with some inter-union resistance, as causing a riot just to prove the proper way to do them is considered an invalid reason by some. The hooligans have suggested a nice friendly game of soccer right before the riot, however, and most are starting to see this as a fair compromise, while the staunchly political rioters are tying to find a good enough ideological reason to join them.
One wonders what good could possibly come of this, except perhaps that the local bakery will dare sell baguettes again.
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