Last week's News
News article for the week of 9/30/07.
George Lucas: Polygamist in disguise
Notorious for keeping himself out of gossip columns and scandal sheets director, producer and part time iPod technician George Lucas has suddenly found himself in the midst of the eighth largest sex oriented celebrity scandal of the year.
The notoriously single Lucas who has had one marriage, a consequent divorce, another engagement and a shotgun wedding that ended abruptly with the wedding party distracted by a Chewbacca sighting allowing Lucas to escape, has been discovered to be married, not once, but at least five times, plus two Civil Unions.
Aside from one marriage as Jorge Lucas to Juanita Lucas and the Unions (George Skywalker with Patti Skywalker and Indiana Lucas with Bob Lucas-Krychek which may simply be for immigration purposes) Lucas has not used much in the way of false names, instead marrying under his popularly known name (his birth name has been lost to the mists of time).
It is believed that this tactic, the seeming lack of anonymity, has been successful simply because no one expects someone with the stature and recognition of George Lucas to get away with this.
Not even the wives knew of the deception. Juanita Lucas was under the impression that her husband travelled the country working at fairs and socials as a George Lucas impersonator, making large sums of cash for being punched in the stomach by Star Wars fans who felt betrayed by the prequels.
Patti Skywalker, a nominally intelligent woman and a police officer to boot still finds it hard to believe that she is married to the real George Lucas. She discovered he had changed his name but thought it was for differentiation purposes and because “Skywalker just seemed like a cute little joke”.
“Who would have thought George Lucas would walk around in public as George Lucas,” every wife has said.
This information was discovered simply by chance. A random stalker who was hoping to live out the rest of his life literally in George Lucas’ shadow began compiling a list of the director’s movements.
While regular trips to Albuquerque and Boise were not unusual for a director known for seeking the most appropriate and exotic settings for his films, trips to Boston, Miami and Paris, Texas aroused enough suspicion that the stalker felt compelled to investigate.
What he discovered sickened and disgusted him, Lucas had multiple wives, a post he coveted for himself alone if George would only come to his senses, but he’s a busy man who can’t be expected to think of everything immediately so the stalker was willing to give him the necessary time and space to think things through until the discovery of this betrayal.
An official investigation has turned up links between Lucas and a small polygamist cult, one that believes marriage actually increases financial prosperity.
With such a crazy, whacked out principle guiding the group it is not surprising that it has remained small and ridiculed, an even George Lucas only joined because of their pledge to validate parking and because Steven Spielberg said so.
What charges will be laid and what impact will be had upon Lucas’ career is open to speculation, however if he survived fan wrath for making Darth Vader an overly cutsie kid and a pining teenager this should not be a problem.
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