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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 9/16/07. Swedes to stop
Federer! With Swiss athlete Roger Federer on the way to becoming the world's greatest tennis player of all time, a lot of people are worried, especially certain people who now sell underwear and are worried to no longer be considered even close to being one of the greatest players of all time. The more astute of you will have already guessed, from the title and the previous sentence, that Björn Borg is putting plans in action to stop the Federer juggernaut. Exactly how the Swedish former tennis player gone legend and clothes-manufacturer intends to pull this off is however shrouded in mystery. Obviously Borg cannot try and best Federer in court, so undoubtedly more sinister and covert plans are in motion, or at least about to enter the court. The 26-year old Federer is second only to Pete Sampras when it comes to the amount of major titles won, something which could very well change if the Swiss wins just three more titles. With his four years of consecutively winning both Wimbledon and the U.S Open, he seems to be less than a year or two away. Of course, he would also need to win a Grand Slam, meaning he would need the title at the Australian Open, the U.S Open, the French Open and Wimbledon, in the same year. Winning a Grand Slam would put him well over Sampras, and winning a second one would also mean he could leave the memory of Rod Laver, winner of two Grand Slams back in the 60's, well behind him. Accomplishing these feats would truly make Roger Federer the greatest tennis-player yet, something Sweden is not about to let happen that easily. Borg has sold his frightening empire of clothes, mainly underwear, but undoubtedly he still holds some influence over the business, making some believe Federer might suddenly find that his boxers are chafing in the midst of an important game while others regard this as clear paranoia, that should be nothing to worry about. Incidentally, most of the latter category are Swedish, and tend to grin slightly discomfortingly once they have assured everyone that the Swiss would be safe from chafing undergarments. Another threat facing Federer is his footwork. It is common knowledge that footwork is important in tennis, and equally common knowledge that one’s feet move great while dancing the more you have had to drink. A deceptive campaign to get Federer to appear on Dancing with the Stars has already been launched, and is rather unusual among campaigns in that it has Absolut Vodka as a sponsor. The Swedish vodka is not only known to give you amazing dancing skills, but also to make you feel a whole lot worse for wear the morning after, something more than capable of ruining the careful planning that is an athlete's daily list of things to take care of. A drunken tennis player could potentially be extremely dangerous to have as an opponent, but fast reflexes and hangovers do not mix very well, and an addiction to booze would mean that Federer's career would at the worst be over, at the best only be shortened a few months which Federer would have to spend in rehab. In the end, Federer's worst enemy on his path to becoming the undisputedly greatest male tennis player ever might be scheming Swedes, unbearably high pressure or simply age. Only time, and possibly we here at the Really Pathetic Productions News crew, can tell. |
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