Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/10/07.


Breaking News! Cell Phones linked to Decline in Rainforests...
By, Puns McKenna


Dateline- July 8, 2007
This morning a study was released revealing the cause of decline in the World's rainforests. A group of University students from UC-Berkley spent the last six years conducting research on the nature of cell phones and how they are tied to the environment. The study group found that the radiation emitted by cell phones has the ability to kill off large trees that live in warm moist environments.

Now everyone knows that the only warm moist environments we have are the rainforests near the equatorial line. In recent years the size of the rainforests have declined dramatically. According to the research group the rainforests will have declined enough that between the years of 2012 and 2016 the human ecosystem will begin to decline. As humans use cell phones, the group is encouraging us all to drop the phones and get back to basics. Save the Rainforests Say No to Cell Phones, is their slogan.

The general sentiment of the cell phone using population is not as positive. Many use cell phones on a daily basis to do business stay in contact with their friends, co-workers, and loved ones. This number is only expected to increase over the next decade, which seems to indicate that the Save the Rainforests group is going to have quite a fight on their hands.

Dateline- July 10, 2007

Early this morning, just a week after the 231st Anniversary of our Nation's Independence, a group of incensed students marched against a several Wireless phone stores. No people were and no property was damaged. However, several large potted plants were left inside each business as a reminder of what the cellular industry is destroying.

When asked, several of the retailers declined comment. However, one Wireless provider found the situation funny. A spokesman for the Company made the laughing statements, "If they want to help decorate our stores, then more power to them. It isn't going to make us stop selling cell phones."

Researchers and ecologists alike are embarrassed by the actions of these students and are busily conducting their own studies to figure out if these students are correct. Preliminary results indicate that Rainforests are declining at the same rate that they have always declined. The scientific community has been thrown into upheaval by this information and a spokesman for the community has stated, "We will get to the bottom of this."




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