Last week's News
News article for the week of 5/31/07.
War Brewing in Florida
By, Grey News
Tension is brewing in America’s Wang tonight as two rival organisations
vie for dominance in the state of Florida.
One of the many little wars that have slipped in under the radar of public
attention as Iraq looms heavy overhead is a onetime small dispute between
the mighty Disney Corporation and the sly Dole Company. The former a giant
in entertainment and bacteriological warfare, the latter a “mere” fruit
company specialising in pineapples, bananas and cows, at least in those
countries where bananas are considered fruit.
This was not something a long time in coming, nor was it something that
started over something small, it started over a mouse.
For years Disney lawyers and lobbyists have fiddled with copyright laws
so the corporation could maintain exclusive control over Mickey Mouse
long after the death of creator and founder Walt Disney. This bit of legal
hackery has had many far reaching implications, however no one was really
willing to fight over it until Dole released a brief internet promotional
using bananas and pineapples to produce a fruit silhouette of ol’ Big
What followed was not a war of words, Disney decided that this was one
battle lawyers could not win, a complete departure from standard Disney
practice and possibly boding well for the future as litigation is reduced.
It started at a pineapple assembly yard, over fifty thousand pineapples
were reduced to sweet gooey chunks as members of the elite Goofy Commando
Company struck in the middle of the night.
Next the 1st, 7th and 9th Disney Infantry Divisions (Mickey, Morty and
Ferdi Divisions) were mobilised to secure key Disney assets while the
2nd, 4th and 5th air wings (Huey, Dewey and Louie) were scrambled to hit
Dole assets in the Caribbean.
Though caught flatfooted the fruit company managed to salvage it’s operations,
turning back the air forces with sustained anti aircraft fire from its
Though these represent stunning initial victories analysts’ state that
this is far from the swift, decisive battle Disney had planned for, and
the company may not have what it takes to win a long war even though they
possess a larger, better equipped force.
Armed with pineapple grenades and banana guns, ironically the same sort
popularised by Warner Brothers cartoons and Pulp Fiction, Dole can out
produce Disney in the long run provided they can preserve their manpower,
a distinct possibility considering their canning technology.
In the meantime, all but forgotten are the inhabitants of Florida. Hurricanes,
Castro, Presidential election result controversy, looking like an otherwise
unspeakable piece of human anatomy, there is only so much punishment a
single state can take before it snaps.
Whether smothered in pineapple syrup or coated in sticky Disney merchandise
and gun down for having one in the wrong territory it is unknown how much
more the weary Florida citizens can take before they simply give up and
let Arizona become the retirement state.
Whatever the outcome Blizzard plans on turning the event into a MMORPG.