Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/9/07.
Alf Skips Out On Cat
By, Grey Events (Continued from
Cats reject apology)
Just when it seemed that cats were gaining the upper hand in their battle
for justice against former sitcom star Gordon Shumway they find themselves
stymied by something as simple as national borders.
After last week’s press conference where Shumway’s true feline heritage
was revealed the public largely turned against Alf and his life has become
Michigan has repealed his status as the state’s favourite son, former
co-stars are denying all knowledge of his personal life, Jessica Simpson
has stopped claiming she knows who he is.
Most websites that had been supportive of Alf have been closed down by
their operators. Only the few extremist sites that didn’t care if Alf
was innocent or not, indeed three were supportive of either cannibalism
or the general eating of cats, remain open, and with greatly diminished
With this dearth of support it was assumed that Shumway would be bought
up for trial and sentenced to one of those prisons seen on 60 Minutes
where not only is he held in a small dark room, but forced to watch all
of the American Idol audition tapes. Especially the ones with all the
fat chicks who think they’re going to be the next Beyonce.
All in all an ironic twist considering that Shumway was until recently
in talks to appear as a judge on American idol.
Instead Alf has cheated a fate worse than death by slipping out of Vietnam
and into Saudi Arabia.
In a prepared statement Shumway’s lawyers announced that Alf was suffering
from a rare degenerative disease that had become especially taxing as
he has grown older. The move to Vietnam was less about the abundance and
ease of cat consumption and more about seeking a warm climate. Now he
finds he needs a dryer climate in a country with fewer extradition treaties.
When asked why they didn’t revoke his passport Vietnamese officials replied
that they didn’t think anyone had to be told not to let a bipedal mutant
cat with an aircraft carrier for a nose wanted for the second biggest
trial since Mike Tyson sued Mike Tyson for defamation out of the country.
Cats are outraged, their influence is weakest in the Middle East owing
to their support of Israel and the War on Terror (ostensibly because Osama
bin Laden is a dog person). Consequently Alf is temporarily beyond their
Fluffy Harris, the cat leading the charge, is adamant that this is a delay,
not the end, that the case will go ahead at some point in the future.
“Alf has to leave Saudi Arabia sooner or later,” Fluffy vowed, citing
Alf’s long history of lies and deception as proof that he will wear out
his welcome before long.
In the meantime pictures of Gordon Shumway hanging out with Michael Jackson
and Paris Hilton’s younger sister are hitting the tabloids. Along with
talk of a revitalised career, perhaps a part in a new Michael Jackson
video should there ever be one for the music world.
For now Saudi Arabia is Alf’s sanctuary.