Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/28/07.

Feline Association Rejects Alf Apology
By, Grey Events (Continued from Alf Press Conferance)

Mere days after the televised apology of Gordon Shumway, also known as Alf, the collective of cats suing the former television star for consumption of their kind has launched a massive counter attack, making public what evidence they can in their case against Alf in what some legal analysts describe as “cunning”, “catty”, “debasing” and “pure vindictive spite”.
Whatever you may call it, the effect have been devastating to Shumway, who received a small boost in public confidence after the apology. Many of his former fans had turned against him when the charges were laid in Vietnam, where he presently resides. After the apology many were turned by the emotion and sincerity he displayed on camera. As Alf fan Newt Gingrich said; “I was ready to fry him alive for going back to his old habits, ready to see him burn at the paws of cats until that moment when he apologised and acknowledged that he was as human as any of us, gave a little tug at the fur under his chin. At that moment Shumway the cat eating monster was gone and the Alf we all knew and loved had returned.”
Now sources close to Gingrich deny that the former senator has ever had anything to do with sitcoms.
Fluffy Snugglebuffin Harris, elected leader of the Feline Association, a group of cats dedicated to justice for cats, headed the press conference to present the evidence and counter Shumway’s claims of innocence and redemption.
Chief among his claims was that Alf is in fact a cat himself, thereby making him a cannibal.
While jokes about his resemblance to an aardvark were staples during his sitcom, Alf has always kept quiet about his ethnic heritage, as was the style among 80’s stars such as MacGyver’s Richard Dean Anderson’s Latino heritage and Bill Cosby’s hated French ancestry.
Fluffy Harris was initially booed by the assembled press until he bought proof of Shumway’s feline blood in the form of his half brother Regal Hairball Shumway-Ferguson, a purebred Siamese cat, complete birth certificate and a family photo album showing all of Shumway’s birthdays, which incidentally prove he is not fifty, but fifty two years of age.
The remaining sceptics were swayed when Regal revealed that his family carries a recessive gene that results in one in twenty four births spitting up something greatly resembling Shumway.
Indeed many of the world’s most famous prodigiously hair people have in fact been carriers of this gene, from Robin Williams to Teddy Roosevelt to Beyonce Knowles.
The truth has rocked the world and all but destroyed support for Gordon Shumway.
Not only is Alf a self-hating cat but a cannibal self-hating cat.
Or maybe a cannibal self-loving cat, just loving his kind smothered in gravy.
At any rate Fluffy was not content to leave it there. Smelling blood he continued to pursue the kill, though nothing else was as shocking.
Certainly the proof that Alf voted for Ross Perot twice (in different elections) was concerning, and the shipping manifests and maintenance records showing he likes to swim in mayonnaise were disturbing.
Shumway has not been available for comment since these revelations, even cancelling two interviews made to capitalise on his apology. Meanwhile cats crow at their apparent early victory, claiming that the legal battle has become little more than a formality.