Last week's News
News article for the week of 2/14/07.
Alf Facing Legal Battle
By, Grey Entertainment
Gordon Shumway, also known as Alf of the famous sitcom of the same name
has announced through lawyers that he is facing a legal challenge mounted
by cats relating to charges of genocide, and shockingly enough cannibalism.
The former 80’s heartthrob dropped out of sight five years after his sitcom
was cancelled, indulging in the infamous “Half Decade Vacation” with Brat
Packers, Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez, party girl Bea Arthur, fading
starlet Molly Ringwald and Kegmeister Leonard Nimoy which saw the ruin
of five hotels, seven clubs, ten bars, three strip clubs, four male strippers,
Seattle and the careers of all but Nimoy. Though a TV movie was made soon
after this Alf dropped completely off the radar by moving to Sri Lanka
and generally avoiding the public eye.
Now it comes out that the aging Alf, sporting bald spots on his head,
lower back and elbows, has been indulging in some unseemly past times.
With the backing of the Sri Lankan government a consortium of cats have
launched a legal action against Alf on the premise of evidence that he
has been eating as many as five cats per week.
While this unusual eating habit was a rich source of comedic material
within the sitcom, Shumway’s cat habit was the bane of his private life,
blamed by many for the break-up of multiple relationships, most notably
his intense three month affair with Madonna.
After being caught purchasing two litters of kittens in a back ally in
San Francisco Gordon Shumway came clean with his addiction, stating that
while it was not a chemical dependency it was a strong emotional compulsion,
and booked himself into a Betty Ford clinic. After announcing a recovery
in the late nineties Alf moved to Sri Lanka, claiming that the climate
was more suitable for his health.
Fans of Alf are split, many are outraged that a beloved TV star has been
shackled and place in what they consider a Third World Dungeon on the
trumped up charges of a bunch of felines.
Equally as many are outraged that someone has used their relative fame
and wealth to get away with this sort of thing for so long, and wish him
to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, possibly even extradited
to another country with stricter penalties as Sri Lankan authorities are
rumoured to be considering a heavy fine if the conviction goes through
rather than jail time.
Almost forgotten is the cannibalism charge, based on the considerable
likelihood that Alf is in fact a cat, since tests to prove he is either
an aardvark or dog have come back negative.
Shumway has always been ambiguous about his ethnic heritage, frequently
citing family origins in Wisconsin, Brooklyn and even Buenos Aries, while
claiming ancestral ties to Berlin, Germany; Liverpool, England, Hong Kong,
Tokyo and Johannesburg.
Should he be convicted of cannibalism it would be enough to prove to the
world that he is indeed a cat, and kill off the lucrative trade in Alf