Last week's News
News article for the week of 12/12/06.
from the Swede:
Penguins take North Pole hostage
It started innocently enough. The rivalries going on between the north
and south pole, threatening to evolve into a new cold war, were dangerous
but not openly hostile. Until The Man of the North Pole himself put the
undisputed rulers of the south pole on the naughty list. Then the penguins
went ballistic. The outer north pole sentries, the polar bears, were all
subdued within three hours of the penguin intelligence agency finding
out about the naughty list. Most suspect a secret penguin army has been
submersed by the north pole for just a strike such as this.
Once the penguin strike force, consisting of a small amount of specially
trained penguins, had reached the town of elves, reindeer, toy factories,
gingerbread spies and Santa Claus, they quickly infiltrated the workshop
where all the elves were making toys for the good gentile girls and the
good gentile boys. While one team tied up all the elves, another team
set off to the stables, and kidnapped every reindeer they saw, even Rudolph.
They apparently hooded his head to stop the nose from tipping off any
eventual rescuers. The third and final team were tasked with securing
Mr. Claus himself, which the penguin leader stated as “simple business
since he reeked of cheap whiskey”, and also Mrs. Claus, supposedly a much
harder target to neutralize.
The hostages were rounded up in the workshop about two hours ago, and
little information has been released. Santa says he is unwilling to negotiate
with terrorists, while the penguins cite that as members of the armed
forces of the south pole they are not terrorists, they're soldiers. The
subtle difference being that they are fully recognised by a country. That,
and that they are just way too cool to be terrorists. So far the penguins
have only threatened to destroy tools in the workshop, although the next
step is said to be to destroy the tools by jamming them and the elves
into the machinery and laughing maniacally, which Santa jokingly said
was what he always wanted for his birthday present. After that, the penguins
gave Santa some coffee to sober him up just enough that his nose didn't
work like Rudolph's.
The penguins are apparently demanding they be put on the good list, that
Santa stops badmouthing them, several thousand candy canes, and that the
penguin propaganda movie Happy feet be part of every child's loot list
next Christmas. Santa has claimed this will happen over his dead body,
to which the reply “gladly” did not come as much of a surprise. The penguins
have full control over the north pole as of this moment, and claim to
have reinforcements ready to help them out, should something bad happen.
A counter-insurgency team has been sent to the location, but due to poor
geographical skills they ended up in the Himalayas. The yeti was not pleased.
Personally, I predict Santa will cave as soon as he sobers up enough to
make an informed decision, but considering that we are dealing with a
person who gives humans everything they ask for once a year and penguins
nothing, it is unlikely if Santa can do much thinking at all.