Last week's News

News article for the week of 11/30/06.

Seasons Greetings Not So Jolly
By, Grey Events

With Thanksgiving and Weasel Stomping Day out of the way attention is turning to the steady approach of Christmas. With the public’s attention firmly on the holiday sponsored by Coco Cola the frenzied shopping has begun. The only dampened spirits belong to the small group of forecasters attempting to determine just how jolly things will get.
The International Jolly Institute (IJI) has been monitoring world jolliness levels since late September, the primary monitoring season for Christmas by Santa Claus.
While most people associate Christmas cheer with the people around them, from family to cashiers, the truth is far more complicated.
According to the main IJI centre in Manchester Santa Claus’ own attitudes affect world jolly levels rather than the other way around.
A mere forty two percent of all Christmas cheer is generated by the public worldwide. This is an average number prone to change based on attitudes and world mood. At times of increased general merriment – such as when the Berlin Wall came down – or despair – the year the Christmas Macarena came out – the actual figure can rise or fall by as much as six percent.
Apparently this year’s cheer is holding at thirty nine percent, low, though not a record, it means that sixty one percent of the jolly factor must come from Santa.
This means that the Santa cheer factor is even more important.
Monitoring stations in England, Norway, Canada and Japan have conflicting reports, while the few southern stations, located primarily in Australia and Brazil, are contradictory again.
According to the closest station in Norway Santa’s jolly levels are at an all time high, ensuring gifts for all.
Stations in London and Canada tell another story, one of moderate jolly levels, that leave the final fate of Christmas up in the air.
Japan however claims record lows, while Australia is certain that Santa has finally given in to his dream and become Darth Clause, complete with a black helmet.
Brazilian IJI centres on the other hand are certain that Santa is heavily depressed and planning on throwing it all in to manage a Starbucks in Milwaukee.
With confusing and contradictory information flying around everywhere a clear picture is difficult to achieve.
Analysts working for the UN believe that Norway has the clearer picture by virtue of being close to Claus’ Arctic base.
The believe that the troubles in Jerusalem, hometown of his Yuletide rival Jesus has buoyed his spirits in much the same way the East Coast rappers recently received a moral boost when a small, renegade volcano erupted in a West Coast night club.
Other believe the opposite is true, with the recent, little publicised reconciliation between the Son of God and Kris Kringle.
Under these circumstance sources close Santa state that the Japanese may have a more accurate picture, Norway’s data skewed by proximity.
Official word from the North Pole indicates that the naughty list is considerably longer than in previous years, something that has been a clear indication of low jolly levels in the past.
Unsurprisingly George W. Bush, Mel Gibson, Saddam Hussein, Uwe Boll and Tori Spelling are on the naughty list. However one elf who spoke on condition of anonymity stated that Muhammad Ali was extremely close to being put on the naughty list, indicating a dire festive season ahead.