Last week's News
News article for the week of 8/29/06.
A Sudoku a Day Keeps Schwarzkopf
By, Grey Events
It was announced this morning that retired general “Stormin’” Norman
Schwarzkopf, commander of the Gulf War v1.0 has become bored with the
sedentary lifestyle of retirement and has taken to running wild in the
streets of several Florida cities with a paint brush and a can of paint,
normally yellow, and redecorating people’s houses.
While many are willing to forgive this as an act of whimsy or slight eccentricity
in one of the great modern military leaders others see this as pure vandalism,
especially when Norman took to a house freshly painted with a mural of
President Abraham Lincoln metaphorically kicking the tar out of John Wilkes
Booth with a can of magenta paint.
Revisionist history lovers are up in arms, fearful of what other fantasies
might be destroyed.
Most people hope Schwarzkopf goes after the house in Alabama where General
Lee is seen marching to victory over the Klingon Empire.
All the same, several homeowners are less than pleased with Schwarzkopf’s
efforts. One young couple, new homeowners are horrified at the cornflower
blue that now adorns their hilltop home, causing regular barrages of birds
and low flying aircraft to smash into their walls, mistaking it for a
clear piece of sky.
A retirement home has become bright yellow, causing a series of Wizard
of Oz related delusions.
The Schwarzkopf family is not available for comment at the moment, aside
from advising people to sit outside their front doors with a Sudoku.
This cryptic message was taken literally to much scoffing, until it stopped
a painting in progress, when a Miami family started doing the daily Sudoku
in their paper.
Schwarzkopf immediately retreated.
Since that time civilian patrols have spotted Schwarzkopf and managed
to divert him until homeowners and volunteers can guard homes.
While not as effective as stopping the general it has limited damage and
led to a general brightening up of some urban areas.
As to why a number puzzle would stop Norman Schwarzkopf no one outside
his family seems to know.
Thought to be a Japanese invention the Sudoku was actually invented by
Asian expatriates in Argentina looking for a way to confuse European tourists.
None of this makes any sense or makes these efforts any less effective.
Authorities have refused to allow the war hero to be hunted down like
a rabid animal, hoping that someone will think of another way to hunt
down a slightly loony retired soldier.
No one with White House connections is talking, informal speculation with
analysts states that it would be useful to turn Schwarzkopf towards New
Orleans where his painting could be beneficial in reconstruction efforts.
The mobilization of Sudokus in numbers great enough to herd him in that
direction would require massive amounts of manpower, with the War in Iraq
dragging on still the National Guard may not have what it takes.
Fringe ideas such as asking the Schwarzkopf, who has had numerous conversations
with the more willing of homeowners, or building a redecorating business
around him have already been discounted. Fortunately so has the idea that
a crazy mariner be allowed to capture and gut him.
Still on the table are options including tagging him with a radio transmitter,
building a Reality TV series around his adventures or bringing in old
friend Colin Powell to make an ex-military themed duo of some sort.