Last week's News
News article for the week of 6/9/06.
Peanut Butter Madness
By, Grey Events
An army of children marches across the Southern United States, advancing
steadily northward in what Confederate enthusiasts should be proud of
if it were not for the motivations of this under aged mob and the destruction
of Richmond by their grubby little hands.
The motives behind the roving band of kids is well known, a shortage of
quality peanut butter, starting in Alabama and spreading to all the southern
states caused general dissatisfaction amongst children and no small number
of adults as well.
As to the precise cause of the shortage no one is certain, massive crop
failures amongst peanut growers in the last two years have been staggering,
requiring the use of cheap imported nuts from Paraguay, which are reported
to be little more than floor sweepings from a Voltron manufacturing plant.
The resulting drop in peanut butter quality has led to this revolt amongst
children. So far it has been successful due to a reluctance of several
governors to order the National Guard to open fire on children, especially
when the disarmingly cute ones are put in front of the vicious biters.
These shock tactics have served the impromptu army well, though experts
point to the lack of higher leadership as a hindrance in any long-term
campaign. Any force that does little other than rampage, pillage and destroy
without a clear goal is doomed to fizzle out eventually.
Understandably this is not acceptable, with millions of dollars in damages
accrued already and the steady recruitment of more dissatisfied children
into the teeming ranks of the peanut butter starved hoard
Some have moved that the army of children be declared a natural disaster
on the scale of Hurricane Katrina or Oprah on her last eating binge.
Such attempts are being blocked by parental groups, specifically those
parents whose children are involved.
They are demanding that the government do something about their runaway
In response the government is demanding they do something about their
With officials, parents and several fictional characters such as this
Dick Cheney thing deadlocked over a solution it may be up to the general
public and celebrities to find a way out of this mess.
Already the idea of turning on fire hydrants and washing away the tide
of brats has been tried and failed, as children both with the army and
unaligned frolicked in the water and then set out for further rampage.
Contributing to the problem is the notable number of adults who have joined
While not yet in a command position these adults have provided added strength
and numbers, requiring nothing more than common purpose to join.
The most promising unofficial action suggested so far is little more than
appeasement, the offering of spreads of high quality until peanut butter
becomes more available.
No one expects this to last forever, simply long enough to bring in moderate
quality Australian peanut butter, or maybe to at least get the kids back
to their parents, or someone who’ll take responsibility for them.