Last week's News
News article for the week of 5/17/06.
Talking Immortal Monkey Launches Music Career
By, Grey Entertainment (follow up from Monkey
With the resolution of the illegal release of the Talking Immortal Monkey
found locked up in Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch announced on Friday
morning events are beginning to both settle and get exciting.
As no one in power really cares about a foul-mouthed primate of indeterminate
age they have decided to ignore what a bunch of “petty, egotistical children
posing as activists” and their “illegal actions on behalf of a forgotten
In return those responsible for the release have expressed joy at their
“victory over petty egotistical politicians posing as leaders” and their
“inhuman inaction against a much maligned animal.”
Completely ignored by both groups, which is how he has admitted liking
it, the Talking Immortal Monkey has announced his intention to pursue
a creative career.
Eager to capitalize on the publicity of his existence, sudden release
and popular apathy from authority to launch an equally appropriate music
Talking Immortal Monkey claims a great expertise in music, having mercilessly
berated every effort made by Michael Jackson from Bad onward.
According to staff testimony this much is true, as one of the main reasons
for Jackson’s increased bouts of depression were Talking Immortal Monkey
criticisms, leading to speculation that some of his more insane antics,
especially those involving his children, are the result of this damned
If anything this information has increased the Talking Immortal Monkey’s
stock with the major labels, who have begun a small bidding war for his
When asked what he would perform Talking Immortal Monkey stated that it
would be a “ . . . fusion of the best elements of rhythm and blues with
hard rock while staying close to my people’s country and western roots
with a twist of hip hop to appeal to the snotty WASP youth of middle America
who feel that the likes of Fifty Cent are just too Asian to be hip anymore.”
Immediately after giving this answer Talking Immortal Monkey was asked
if he realised that this essentially made him a shorter, more charismatic
The resulting thirty minute tirade against the questioning reporter, her
family, their home town, their nation (apparently Canada), and their inappropriate
behaviour towards pine trees.
The reporter was left in such a state that she immediately attempted to
chop down the nearest pine tree using nothing but an iPod and tickets
to Mission Impossible III.
Had the tree not fought back so effectively it is likely that it could
have been lost. The tree has also been praised for how well she talked
the reporter down to a calm state rather than resorting to the viscous
sack beatings pine trees have become known for in recent years.
With this final, stunning proof that he is far more controlled and far
easier with critics than Estefan it is almost a certainty that the first
Talking Immortal Monkey single with rocket up the charts within the year.