Last week's News
News article for the week of 4/26/06.
Talking Immortal Monkey Discovered in Neverland
By, Grey News
The meltdown that has become Michael Jackson’s United States assets has
revealed a number of new and amazing things.
While most have found the diamond mine staffed entirely by enslaved llamas
to be most shocking, especially since Jackson may still retain rights
to profits from the mine, there are a number of other items that have
interested select groups.
While a small bidding war has erupted over the recently uncovered memoirs
of Bubbles of particular interest to scientific and religious groups is
a not entirely simple chimpanzee.
Unlike the unfortunate Bubbles, who’s exact whereabouts is unknown since
genetic testing proved that was not his remains in the animal mausoleum,
this chimp, who for some reason prefers to be known as a monkey, had the
ability to protest verbally and should have been understood.
The monkey, sometimes known as Peter, did not have to suffer as Bubbles.
Instead he spent most of his time in an enclosure spouting obscenities
at anyone who would pass.
Jackson has admitted that he kept the monkey simply on the basis of novelty,
unlike his many other pets. This particular creature, in addition to being
able to talk is apparently immortal, having shot, hung and drowned himself
to graphically prove his point to numerous authorities, several school
groups in a misguided attempt to bring the laughter of children back into
Jackson’s ranch and several politicians desperate to prove that they look
nothing like the primate. The monkey is especially grateful for the latter
group’s visit because it proves he is nothing like them.
The eventual fate of the monkey is being hotly debated by many people.
Michael Jackson still claims ownership, though only weakly compared to
other assets of more immediate economic and personal value.
The monkey is reportedly somewhat insulted that Jackson is not more appreciative
Animal rights groups are attempting to gain his release with the probable
goal of returning him to the wild in Africa. That the monkey in question
originated from Detroit and his present enclosure resembles a mall more
than a jungle has been thoroughly ignored, as has his arguments that he
cannot live without a regular dose of American Idol.
Authorities are concerned that a being this amoral could prove to be a
danger to society and are seeking to keep him locked up. The trouble now
is location. With Neverland falling to pieces and with numerous hands
clambering for those pieces it is unlikely that he would be safe there.
Several medical concerns have expressed an interest in the monkey, naturally
this has been met with protest by everyone, especially Colonel Sanders
who wishes to employ the monkey for good, honest work. This has sent even
more alarms sounding.
Regardless the monkey has generated enough interest to gain himself a
manager and the possibility of a guest shot on one of the Stargate series.