Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/22/06.
Serious Attempts to Ban Garlic
By, Grey Events
The pungent, flavourful substance known as garlic is being threatened,
by of all things something that has proven to be one of our best steps
towards making some sort of lasting peace with those that would otherwise
try to eat us.
Vampires for Normalisation is a group that sprang up after the negotiated
surrender of Canadian and German Vampires, an event that also saw pockets
of Vampires reach neutrality or surrender agreements in North America,
South America and Australia. In addition to providing promises of good
behaviour on the part of their members this organisation is also attempting
to advance of what is obviously a Vampire agenda.
This first foray into post surrender compromise seems simple enough, all
Vampires have some sort of allergy towards garlic, ranging from a sever
fright reaction to extreme blistering, and in some circumstances transformation
into chocolate pudding, especially troublesome in restaurants or areas
with high concentrations of children or attempted dieters.
Some have suggested letting Vampires have this one, as the integration
of Vampires into normal life is deemed a priority. The sooner they see
us as equals and not as potential food sources the better, some have said
Opposition is far greater, principally in the form of gourmands determined
to keep their favourite flavouring.
Cuisine of French, Italian, Asian and many other origins would suffer
without the addition of garlic. Pizza would be reduced to little more
than cheese on bread, pasta would become as exciting as raw potato and
every potato dish in existence would be diminished by an order of magnitude.
Vampires have retaliated with the statement “How would you like it if
you lost to Cows and they did nothing but eat thistles”.
As yet no one can determine any real sympathy with this statement. Speculation
even goes as far as suggesting that this is another instance of Vampire
Mainstream objectors have yet to buy into this theory, however they do
see a problem in ceasing all production of the very element that was and
still is vital to home defence around the world.
Rogue vampires still roam neutral territory, as do spies for the greater
Vampire body that still views humanity as breakfast, lunch, dinner and
early morning snack.
For this reason most people still want garlic production continued.
Vampires claim that this will put strain on the normalisation process,
as their next target is crosses.
“We would prefer to remove garlic from our breathing space,” said one
Vampire close to the Inner Circle in Vancouver, “However since Humans
won’t even remove carcinogens from their own breathing space it was too
much. Since there needs to be some give and take we must focus on something
else. Crosses are the next item on our agenda.”
There have been reassurances that crosses within proper houses of worship
and private residences will not be targeted, only those within public
areas and incidental crosses from building materials, lower case T’s and
first aid symbols will be targeted.
In either case the human public has firmly stated that this is the thin
end of the wedge.