Last week's News
News article for the week of 3/14/06.
Flesh Eating Virus Claims Innocence
By, Grey News
Herb the sentient flesh eating virus has made itself known to the world
in an exclamation of innocence as authorities attempt to locate and eliminate
the virus presently plaguing Europe and Middle Eastern hospitals.
The recent attack of a flesh eating virus in hospitals has produced many
disfigurements but no casualties to date, as a heavy course of antibiotics
is normally enough to slow and then stop the infection. The problem is
that antibiotics must be used heavily, in such a fashion that the risk
of a resistant strain taking hold is dramatically increased.
Herb was first discovered gnawing on the leg of an 84-year-old Parisian
woman and was extracted to a sample container for further study. Later
he was found in Prague dissolving the ears of a mime, in Athens he was
working his way through the left hand of a comatose plumber and working
as a lawyer in Geneva.
Initial tests show that Herb is vulnerable to antibiotics, though his
natural cunning and will to live would make the process difficult.
Additionally Herb is attempting to argue that as a sentient flesh-eating
virus he can in fact control his eating habits and become less hostile
towards human life, possibly even contributing something to the development
of the human race.
Authorities were suspicious until tests revealed that the bulk of cases
involving flesh eating viruses were not in fact Herb. Most stem from one
or two viruses, none of which are intelligent and cannot find employment
as anything higher than a legal secretary.
This would seem to bode well for Herb were a connection not then made
between this virus and the spate of missing meat in Canada processing
Herb has repeatedly protested his innocence, claiming to have never left
the European continent, surrendering his passport as proof.
When it was discovered that both of Herbís parents are from Quebec his
argument fell apart.
Now the sentient virus claims that he left Canada for reasons of political
persecution, and seeks asylum.
Slaughter House owners, abattoirs and butchers are the least sympathetic,
seeing the recent spate of mysteriously missing meat in London to be the
result of the virus slipping in unnoticed and consuming their product
in the middle of the night.
While the virus has claimed this cannot be true the fact that facilities
and shops open twenty four hours a day have not reported any missing meat
seems to be damning for Herb.
On the other hand scientists are eager to find out what exactly makes
Herb sentient, and are attempting to devise a way of keeping him alive
without human sacrifice, since the last time scientists started that sort
of thing it turned into a religion then a theme park.
Herb has not helped matters by saying that if people did not want to be
eaten then they should not go to hospitals.
An investigation of one Paris hospital supports this, however the Lecter
Institute is classified as a fine dining establishment, not a hospital.