Last week's News
News article for the week of 2/27/06.
Giant Eyeballs March On Washington
By, Grey Events
In a scene reminiscent of the Million Man March, the Cheap Knock Off
Million Man March and the Twelve Guys, Seven Chicks Saunter the city of
Washington was inundated with Giant Eyeballs demanding equal voting rights.
Giant Eyeballs earned the right to vote back in the late 1970’s after
their failed invasion of the United States during the Korean War. Landing
in the middle of the Nevada desert during a sandstorm proved their undoing.
US troops needed to do nothing other than duck a little lower as the blinded
Eyeballs fired wildly, ironically destroying their own equipment.
Naturalisation and integration has been slow and painful, most Giant Eyeballs
live just above the poverty line, filling service roles and minimum wage
jobs that most would rather trust to illegal Mexicans or the occasional
itinerant Martian looking for a few quick bucks.
Nevertheless finding themselves with absolutely no option but to throw
themselves at the mercy of their intended targets. Through hard work Giant
Eyeballs have strived to become model Americans, eventually being granted
However the legislation enacted dictated that there be one vote per pair
of eyeballs, ensuring that only binary vision would participate in democracy.
As most Giant Eyeballs of the time were of the invading generation they
saw this as a fair concession. Giant Eyeballs are nothing if not gracious
However the first generation of American Giant Eyeballs have come of age
and spawned a second generation. Neither is happy with the present voting
arrangement, which they have likened to the archaic notion of a wife voting
along the same lines as her husband.
Indeed voting rights are allocated according to marriage, unless a Giant
Eyeball is single, in which case their vote is their own. Some paranoid
commentators have claimed that this is move to devalue marriage among
Giant Eyeballs, most of whom have become strict Catholics as a part of
their assimilation into American culture as this most resembled their
native religion of letting old guys wear big hats.
Now close to 700,000 Giant Eyeballs pack Washington, marching under the
twin slogans “One Eye, One Vote” and “Put The Eye In Vote”.
March organiser K’zka K’thraka K’thun Kennedy has fought off efforts to
put a name to this march, stating that this is not the same thing as what
Martin Luther King Junior fought for.
Kennedy and many others have gone on record as stating that there has
been no ill will towards Giant Eyeballs, with many Americans eagerly welcoming
their would be conquerors with open arms. Naturalisation has long been
the stance of the US government, which believed that without it the Giant
Eyeballs would just become an invading army again.
However, as the demonstration proves, there is still some dissatisfaction
among Giant Eyeballs that they are not being represented. Few have managed
to attain even the lowest public office and the most famous Giant Eyeball
is S’nt S’nll S’nee Sherbert, the comedian whose fame rests upon stereotyped
Giant Eyeball jokes.
The Bush administration has remained cautiously neutral for the time being,
unwilling to dismiss such a large group and yet equally unwilling to bend
to strong-arm tactics of a group that retains a certain degree of cultural
Only time will tell if this is another watershed moment in American history,
or just one more instance of irritated eyes in the middle of the city.