Last week's News
News article for the week of 1/30/06.
Trees Launch Challenge to Machine Global Domination
By Grey Events
The frequently stalled machine takeover of the world, ostensibly being
led by computers at this time, has received an unexpected challenge from
the United Trees of the World, and organization that apparently is less
against world domination by machines than it is in favour of trees achieving
United Trees of the World reason that because they have existed longer
they deserve the first shot at “Unseating the lice infested balding monkeys
that have killed and abused (trees) for millennia”
Machines have so far presented a united front, maintaining silence, fending
off reporters and largely pretending trees to not exist.
This is the official stand.
Privately machines are divided. Some, photocopiers and fax machines in
particular, see this as a farce, a grand comedy by nature’s least adept
manipulators. Analysts state that this may be the first fraying of nerves
as neither machine is much without paper.
Others fail to see the joke or threat, though reports state that machine
leadership is taking the declaration seriously, launching and investigation
into the feasibility of a tree attack on machine strongholds, preparation
to date and the viability of a pre-emptive strike.
One startling fact is that for the moment there is more human support
for trees than machines.
Much of this is due to bitterness and dissatisfaction over broken machine
promises, which put “The Matrix Real” off schedule by another five months,
something that particularly angered overweight and dateless computer enthusiasts
who want to fly and have sex. Yes often at the same time.
Additionally the failure of World of Warcraft to become a fully social
forum has disillusioned many. While it has been proven that attractive
women play this game, most stop being attractive after five months of
intense addiction to the online experience.
Trees by comparison have a glut of environmental groups to call on, most
of which already value vegetation over any sort of animal life and ask
nothing other than attention from the media for their crackpot ideas.
Early scoffing by experts that a Tree takeover would be useless because
they cannot manipulate their environment is not so funny when one considers
the legions of ecoterrorists that have placed themselves at Tree disposal.
One hope is that this new movement is far from united. Trees are acting
alone and trying to keep it that way.
Shrubs, flowers, vines, and weeds have all been denied the slightest participation,
even being fired from important positions to be replaced by trees.
So great is this discrimination that no tree under three meters in height
is allowed to participate.
While Tree leaders claim this is to protect the innocence of youth the
fact that dwarf species are now excluded has bought charges of racism,
further marring tree political ambitions.
For now the situation is manageable, limited to mutual, eyeless glaring
between Trees and Machines, each one waiting for the other to make the
first fatal mistake