Last week's News
News article for the week of 12/12/05.
Peace on Earth a Reality This Christmas
By, Grey Events
Starting at around 6pm Greenwich Mean Time on Christmas Eve Saddam Hussein,
George W Bush, Tony Blair, Fidel Castro, Tim Robbins, Michael Moore, Jacques
Chirac and Kim Jong-Il will gather together, join hands and sing Christmas
Carols in front of the UN Building to mark the beginning of the world’s
first truly quite, peaceful Christmas.
Eminem, Puff Daddy, everyone involved in the whole East Coast – West Coast-you
don’t-say-that-about-mine dispute that will put aside their differences
and gather in the Midwest for a brief dinner.
Country and Western singers are vacating the same area in favor of Tahiti
for the same period.
The world will take it as given that France surrenders, and France will
do likewise, freeing up all sorts of diplomatic and other communications
channels for more important things for once.
Pr-Kirk Trekkies shall remove their ceremonial toupees in an act of equality
and comradeship with their Picardist counterparts, who shall be providing
hats for all to cover their differences and similarities.
The Molemen shall put off their conquest of the Surface World until the
next most opportune time, which is somewhere in February. Instead of the
planned invasion the Molemen shall spend time charitably beating up Infomercial
hosts and distributing Halloween candy.
It is the thought that counts.
Similarly the Lavapeople will install acoustic shielding in their caverns,
avoiding the annual argument about the noise the humans are making and
resulting in the usual sporadic volcanoes and magma throwing.
Godzilla and his brood will peacefully join their Jurassic foes in trekking
into Canada where the lower temperatures will hopefully induce lethargy
and hopefully cool tempers for the time being, bringing pause to the bloody
feud that has ruined many lives and occasionally slowed down international
flights along the Eastern Seaboard.
The private war will inevitably escalate again after the New Year, until
then we can all enjoy the fact that the skyline is free of giant, marauding
reptiles and reptile-like creatures.
And before you start thinking that all this peace and quite will go to
waste let me assure you that Bono himself, of U2 fame, has assured everyone
that there shall be no guilt inducing concerts in this time period.
To make doubly sure they hid all of Bob Geldof’s pills, prescribed or
Likewise all militaries, armed organizations and girl scout brigades will
stand down until the 28th, just to be on the safe side, and will refrain
from making any attacks or merit badge attempts other than the cleared
“Good Samaritan”, “Friendly Helper” and “Weed Wacker” badges.
No one’s even complained that some terrorist and militias have a head
start on the latter badge.
Of course thankless in all this are the Martians presently orbiting Earth
with an Obliterator Gun targeted at the planet as we speak, sick and tired
of all the squabbling next door and looking for at least one day of peace.
All hail our Martian buddies.