Tapes XXVII: The Secret Hidden Behind Paris Hilton’s Nose
By Grey Xphile
People, I tell you, I get to find out some weird crap sometimes, but
this time even I’m freaked out.
We all know Paris Hilton, eighth richest porn star in the world by virtue
of inherited money rather than being good at what got her famous.
We all know she’s a whore of very sort, sex, drugs, fame, camera,
tennis, whore of them all. Sorry for the language, I’m using it
in the technical sense.
We all know she’s pretty damn unattractive but that she wears enough
paint and has more FX artists working for her than George Lucas so while
she ain’t pretty she exudes and aura of hotness.
It turns out there’s something more.
A botched sweet sixteen nosejob that can’t be improved upon is the
first thing people notice. That honker casts a shadow across her face
that no radar, heat sensor or anything can penetrate it.
While not the largest nose to cast a sensor baffling shadow it is probably
the most powerful.
Does anyone think that the single largest attention craving ego to mate
itself to wealth is going to just let an advantage like that slide?
I certainly didn’t.
My sources told me that it was a government currently using the nose shadow,
family being unwilling to utilise something so powerful so close to home,
and having ordered Paris not to enter into a deal with potential competitors.
The unnaturally pristine condition of Paris’ skin has allowed for
a number of modifications, because everything looks artificial anyway
camouflage terrain can cover heavy construction without concern for looking
out of place.
What lies benethe has been deadened with too many botox treatments, so
laying in underground construction is happening with ease, needing only
to divert major causeways before laying down installations.
So what is it that could be so horrible on Paris Hilton’s face?
Like I said, government stuff. Stuff that changes your perception of who
owns what where and why now.
I won’t say exactly how I found out, let’s just say that it
involves construction workers and selling deep fried foods under conditions
that would make an oil slick feel greasy.
At the time I thought it was all worth it. Now, I’m just uncomfortable.
It turns out that Barak “Golden Boy” Obama was using a secret
base in the shadow of Paris Hilton’s nose to conduct super secret
meetings. You know, the kind Bush used to have in his tree fort. Except
scary competent instead of scary insane.
As it turns out the US government is in deep with McDonalds. Other corporations
as well but I found out exactly what was up with McDonalds and it disgusted
Apparently Obama is conspiring with McDonalds to increase the consumption
of US beef.
Nothing wrong with that you might say, they do sell hamburgers afterall,
except that they’re putting beef into everything they can get away
with to increase beef sales and stimulate the economy.
Beef injected into the fries, beef slurry forming the basis of the shakes,
beef as the filling in hot apple pies!
It shouldn’t be a surprise, but, well, I can’t go on, I’ve
got to throw up, but some of you may want to eat fast food more often
to support farmers. Blech.
And all this under Paris Hilton’s nose.