Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 2/24/08
Chinese relocation actually Walt Disney plot!
A lot of undue criticism has been thrown China's way due to the relocation of a lot of citizens to make way for venues for the Olympic games, most of this due to rumors of them using brute tactics, not actually giving out the fair compensation they claim they would, and the fact that some relocated citizens were moved without a venue being planned on the site.
True to form, we went undercover to discover the real reasons behind this, and of course, the clues lead us to a secret Scientology organization obsessed with destroying Ireland and taking all their Guinness. However, then we actually read that piece of paper and things made a lot more sense (no matter how sensible stealing Guinness might be, the other ingredients of that thing were just nuts!).
Yes, the clues, including the Jack Sparrow ski-mask and Ratatouille kitchen-designs, all pointed to the fact that this was a fiendish scheme by none other than the Walt Disney corporation! It seems that, in order to get rid of the competition and get even more merchandise out on the market, Disney is planning to open a forced labor camp, wherein the laborers will be former employees of rival companies, most notably theme parks. That's right, using a group of hired mercenaries the company was going to assault the Universal Studios park in Florida, and transport the prisoners to China. There, they would be forced to work under the watchful eyes of the Chinese government and Robert Iger, making merchandise and new attractions for the various Disneyland and World parks around the globe, with several more strikes being planned against every other major theme park of America, with other continent's to follow.
Ironically, the Chinese government is not the only one that is in on the deal. Careful investigation shows that this thing stretches all the way up to Washington, who would not only merely fake an effort to find the kidnapped laborers, but also help transport them to China, in exchange for various Disney sequels to actually good cartoons that they would then use to torture POW's with.
The government's claims to this were that, while the outsourcing of labor to communist China is a bad thing, at least the jobs are still performed by Americans, or at least illegal immigrants then even more illegally brought out of the US, which would also help solve that problem in a smooth and mutually beneficial way. The fact that each theme park has hundreds of employees and that someone might notice that the only one who would not lose employees would be Disney's parks should ring a lot of warning bells, easily pointing out the conspiracy. Then again, the perceived general incompetence of the various American intelligence agencies the past few years would be the perfect cover up, as it is just the sort of thing they would miss.
The only part still to be uncovered is exactly how much the Disney corporation paid China, and for how long this has been in the works. Investigations into Beijing's bid for the 2000 Olympics, which they lost in the final round in 1993, are being made, as is exactly how an undemocratic state such as China managed to win the Olympics by an absolute majority in the second round of voting, something which is now suspected of being the work of the evil Disney Corporation. This of course raises another question, as Robert Iger has not been with the company for long enough, and a plan such as this would only be entrusted to the people highest in the corporation. The question everyone is wondering is, just who is running the Disney Corporation behind the curtain, planning world dominance over theme parks, theaters and sub-par merchandise?
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