Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 8/8/07
Lindsay Lohan Labelled Most Polluting Celebrity
By, Grey Entertainment
As environmentalism becomes a hot new fad celebrities have embraced en mass with concerts, dinners and press announcements the harsh, unforgiving eye of the public has been turned to their habits.
Eyebrows were raised at the amount of toothpaste Madonna uses, though it came as little surprise. Similarly the amount of hair gel employed by Pink, the hot milk baths of Justin Timberlake or Matt Damon’s three albino mice a day habit are considered personal foibles that are too small to be critical right now or something that can be weaned over time.
Bigger problems are J-Lo’s fleet of SUVs (three to proceed her and three to follow at all times, including swimming in the ocean), the aquatic disaster that occurs whenever Naomi Campbell enters a body of water or James Cameron’s mission to “destroy the Condor menace once and for all” are far more urgent.
As such the single greatest polluting celebrity has been mercilessly named and shamed.
The troubled young woman faces jail, career loss and now public egging by animal friendly environmentalists.
And she bought it on herself.
The latest round of charges and legal difficulties have placed Lohan in a tight spot and she is looking for scapegoats wherever possible.
Enter Global Warming.
Lohan’s best defence to date has claiming the mistake that since Global Warming was hot she should contribute to it, what with hot being the new cool. And just like cocaine, heroine, marijuana, ketamine, LSD, ecstasy, methamphetamines, elephant tranquillisers, turtle stimulants, ground up baby otter bones, freebasing dehydrated Pepsi, injecting concentrated peanut butter into her eyes and Ben Affleck movies she found that once she started she just could not stop.
Bodyguards have attested to her orders of “keep the engine running” on her two remaining sports cars, an SUV, a semi truck and trailer a kite, just for emergency purposes.
A policy of “only the first sip tastes good” adds to the mountain of beverage containers dumped by Lohan, treating them like the men in her life, compounded by the desire to be the only person to drink from this bottle/cup/g-string has made recycling impossible.
On the other hand the purchase and clear cutting of nine square miles of virgin Amazon rainforest is thought to be a simple legal ploy to add strength to the Global Warming claim.
As a legal defence blaming Global Warming is novel among celebrities, however Paris Hilton’s attempt to lay her charges at the feet of a chicken crossing the road does allow for the precedent to be set.
Sadly it appears that this defence is, like everything else in her life, backfiring on Lohan, costing her fans and earning her even more scorn than before as environmental groups, parents organisations and F Murray Abraham line up to have the environmental disaster in human form that is Lindsay Lohan locked up forever.
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