Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 12/12/06

Attila The Hun Xmas Special Going All Out
By, Grey Entertainment

When Attila the Hun, infamous leader, killer and various other things that almost make Eddie Murphy look clean, announced that he was alive, well and ready to do show tunes no one took him seriously.
After Zombie Mussolini’s attempted Easter Gala and the infamous 1940 Stalin New Year’s Telethon most people in the industry are wary of Despot Holiday Specials.
Unlike most others Attila is not a zombie, something in his favour as it means that limbs are much less likely to go flying during dance numbers or other in opportune moments.
It also means no improvised humour ala Zombie Napoleon. I don’t care who you are, “growing several feet” by sticking them to your shoulders with toothpicks is not funny.
Additionally Attila strove to prove himself by working several off Broadway plays, and a stint as an understudy in Cats.
Take note Stalin, this sort of preparation pays off in the long run.
In this case the pay off is big names for the Xmas Special.
Attila has apparently been planning a show like this for five decades, and has kept a constantly updated list of which he wants, doing what and when.
While most of the details remain a closely guarded secret – not even the Internet is considered a reliable source – the guest list is not.
So far Attila has successfully signed up Jay Leno as MC, has Kylie Minogue doing two song and dance numbers, one of which may be the closer, Robbie Williams will be doing his infamous impersonation of a singer, the Olson Twins will perform their famous impersonation of being famous, and Haylee Joel Osmont will be playing with loaded guns.
As a courtesy Attila has leaked a portion of his 1988 Dream List. Keep in mind that some things would have looked better at the time, such as the Ewok dancing troop, Optimus Prime’s monologue on being Jewish in the trucking industry and Cindy Lauper in what has become Minogue’s role.
So highly anticipated is this event that some celebrities are clamouring to take part.
Denzel Washington has voiced willingness to appear, however small the role, Jennifer Aniston is rumoured to be ready to flash the audience if it gets her on the stage, and Tom Cruise has promised not to be a complete and utter nutter.
Naturally Attila is too careful to take any of these offers seriously, wanting only those celebrities who have talents that can enhance the show, rather than reducing true talents such as Washington to walk ons. Not to mention the trouble that would ensue if Aniston did her bit and someone lost an eye.
Preparations continue apace, Attila has chosen to have a fresh stage built in the middle of Utah, trusting that conditions will be stable enough for the show to go on, yet wisely making preparations to cover the entire event with a giant tarp if need be.
With actions like this it may be that Attila the Hun is one of if not the most misunderstood performers in history, second only to Brian Dennehey.