Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 6/9/06
Lindsey Lohan: Two Dimensional Terror
By, Grey Entertainment
Star of screen and gossip columns Lindsey Lohan has managed to claw her
way back into people’s attention recently, not only with yet another movie
but also with something some would call a rare display of talent, if the
observer were blind, deaf and prone to bouts of death.
The movie was originally intended to feature cutting edge technology to
allow parts to be screened in three dimensions, only to have Lohan derail
plans with her new diet which has resulted in her ceasing to exist in
Lindsey Lohan herself has credited this to a combination of diet, exercise,
hard drugs, wild sex (available on eBay in DVD format) and an interest
Scientists have verified that Lohan has achieved a level of thinness that
mimics a two dimensional figure without causing the sort of singularity
that a two dimensional entity in three-dimensional space would cause.
Shrill bitch that she is Lohan has disputed scientific claims, stating
that a combination of Atkins and laxatives have resulted in a figure that
In a somewhat contradictory claim, her manager has stated that a reality
singularity is starting up and should take hold any day now, ripping apart
whatever state she is in.
Charitable organisations have offered to ship Lohan to Jersey and are
awaiting a reply.
In the meantime Lohan continues to show off her figure, such as it is.
Effectively invisible in profile some have suggested this may have espionage
applications, however a curvaceous frontal is still a part of the Lindsey
Unfortunately entertainment is not, even gossip is proving to be bland
Rumour has it that Lohan still maintains her breast implants, causing
some worry in the scientific community since for implants that large to
be nearly concealed requires the kind of fourth dimensional physics that
entertainers should not be allowed to toy with.
Lohan has defended her use of science to maintain her vanity by pointing
out her freckles.
While this new look has increased her gossipability it has done nothing
for her acting ability. Critics have panned the movie. Producers claim
that the blame lies with Lohan, claiming that the expensive technology
would have revolutionised the entertainment industry and assured their
film a place in history were it not for her physics-defying look.
None of this means that the movie would have been any better, and thus
it would have been a cheap mark in history. However pointing this out
may well result in giving credit to Lindsey Lohan, a step no one is willing
Finally several groups concerned with weight loss and body image have
stepped in, stating that this represents a dangerous new step in the slim
A publicist for Lohan pointed out that while she is now nearly two dimensional
she is in fact nearly three full centimetres wider at all points, resulting
in screams and cries from Lohan who has apparently ordered mad scientists
to work out a cure for this, reducing her to one dimension if need be,
and hopefully removing her from all notice on a permanent basis.