Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 6/9/06

Lindsey Lohan: Two Dimensional Terror
By, Grey Entertainment

Star of screen and gossip columns Lindsey Lohan has managed to claw her way back into people’s attention recently, not only with yet another movie but also with something some would call a rare display of talent, if the observer were blind, deaf and prone to bouts of death.
The movie was originally intended to feature cutting edge technology to allow parts to be screened in three dimensions, only to have Lohan derail plans with her new diet which has resulted in her ceasing to exist in three dimensions.
Lindsey Lohan herself has credited this to a combination of diet, exercise, hard drugs, wild sex (available on eBay in DVD format) and an interest in crochet.
Scientists have verified that Lohan has achieved a level of thinness that mimics a two dimensional figure without causing the sort of singularity that a two dimensional entity in three-dimensional space would cause.
Shrill bitch that she is Lohan has disputed scientific claims, stating that a combination of Atkins and laxatives have resulted in a figure that defies reality.
In a somewhat contradictory claim, her manager has stated that a reality singularity is starting up and should take hold any day now, ripping apart whatever state she is in.
Charitable organisations have offered to ship Lohan to Jersey and are awaiting a reply.
In the meantime Lohan continues to show off her figure, such as it is. Effectively invisible in profile some have suggested this may have espionage applications, however a curvaceous frontal is still a part of the Lindsey Lohan experience.
Unfortunately entertainment is not, even gossip is proving to be bland and tasteless.
Rumour has it that Lohan still maintains her breast implants, causing some worry in the scientific community since for implants that large to be nearly concealed requires the kind of fourth dimensional physics that entertainers should not be allowed to toy with.
Lohan has defended her use of science to maintain her vanity by pointing out her freckles.
While this new look has increased her gossipability it has done nothing for her acting ability. Critics have panned the movie. Producers claim that the blame lies with Lohan, claiming that the expensive technology would have revolutionised the entertainment industry and assured their film a place in history were it not for her physics-defying look.
None of this means that the movie would have been any better, and thus it would have been a cheap mark in history. However pointing this out may well result in giving credit to Lindsey Lohan, a step no one is willing to take.
Finally several groups concerned with weight loss and body image have stepped in, stating that this represents a dangerous new step in the slim image phenomenon.
A publicist for Lohan pointed out that while she is now nearly two dimensional she is in fact nearly three full centimetres wider at all points, resulting in screams and cries from Lohan who has apparently ordered mad scientists to work out a cure for this, reducing her to one dimension if need be, and hopefully removing her from all notice on a permanent basis.