Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 5/30/06

Chuck Norris Endorsement Shoot Goes Wrong
By, Grey Entertainment

When most celebrities take part in endorsement advertising they expect many things, money, shame, having to work with people they wouldn’t spit on if given a choice, a free sample of a crappy product that will either kill them or use their pets as furniture.
Chuck Norris, veteran Infomercial sufferer, star of stage, screen and outhouse, author of “How to Solve Everything with a Roundhouse Kick” and patron of the “Roundhouse Kicks for Troubled Youth” program was working on a new infomercial about the importance of proper beard dandruff treatment in dealing with osteoporosis in men when facts started creeping into the shoot.
Already endorsing three pieces of exercise equipment and a self help food processor through Infomercials Chuck Norris was forced into this latest cheap hybrid of advertising and soul selling after accidentally consuming McDonalds with Pepsi, a lethal combination responsible for the worst star decisions in history.
Vowing to learn his lesson Norris did his best with the material available until unwanted facts and information started seeping onto the set.
It started with the rather blatant notion that beards do not suffer dandruff, as it is a scalp condition, not a skin or chin condition.
Producers managed to chase this one off on their own, it was a small and fairly obvious fact, easily frightened away by large wads of cash.
While Norris may have had doubts at this point, more so than any other point, he was bound by his foolish food choices to complete the task at hand.
About half way through the shooting, reaching a point that involved the dissection of a Clydesdale horse, other, more startling facts started flooding the set.
The notion that selling anyone anything in this manner proved especially devastating, taking out two camera operators and a boom mike operator.
That the only people watching this stuff were psychotic losers who don’t have much cash and hold grudges against household appliances made an appearance, mostly to terrorise the meagre snack table.
Also seen skirting the edges of the fray were the idea that osteoporosis in men was an issue too big to be handled in infomercial form and simple common decency.
The former was more of an annoyance and the latter died within two minutes of being noticed.
By far the most troublesome idea was that human beings were better than this, which destroyed most of the set.
Ordinarily Chuck Norris would be able to handle these sorts of things himself, having regularly faced off against reality and believability with great success. Unfortunately for the producers, who soon found themselves wedgied, his culinary error did not require him to act as security on set.
While all perfectly legal the backlash within the entertainment industry may prevent Chuck Norris from ever appearing on any sort of screen again in the future.
Though this might be less of a punishment and more of a mercy.