Past Entertainment Articles.

Article for the week of 11/6/05

The world’s greatest movies.. Aren’t these.

By, Cozmic

Movies! Is there anyone who doesn't find joy in a good movie? The dialogue, the storyline, the music, the acting! Yes, truly movies are great. And, in celebration of great movies we here at RPP thought we'd take a look at three movies that are truly in a class of their own.

M. Night Shyamalan. Primarily known for the Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. These were quite interesting movies. But, truly, the most unique work of this man must be The Village. The plot is simple enough. A small village lies in the middle of nowhere and its inhabitants are afraid to stay out after dark or go into the woods because of monsters. Scary things clawing at doors, decent atmosphere. And then it metaphorically kicks itself in the crotch. But only for a while, because then it is revealed that the plot is so superbly written that you can guess every so called twist, trying to make fun of what might happen. Never let it be said that The Village doesn't deliver tons of humor, no matter how involuntary and bad it might be. In fact, not even this is funny, it's just that sad of an excuse for a movie. By all means, run out and rent it now!

And next, we have the worlds best superhero movie. It's so good that if they show it to convicted criminals they would most likely stop their criminal activities altogether. I am talking, of course, about Spawn. Now, I've never read the comics, so I am not sure how true it stays to those, but oh boy is it an amazing movie. Truly, few things manage to accomplish what Spawn does. I am talking of course of wishing mankind had never existed, so you would never have to watch it. Let's take a look at why this movie is so incredible. Does it have a superhero? Yes, although not quite. See, Spawn is a secret agent who gets betrayed and killed, and then sent down to hell, where he becomes one of Satan's minions. But all Spawn wants to do is get back at his former boss and, of course, to see his family again. Well hurray, give the movie an Oscar, it truly deserves it! Does it have an evil villain with lots of charisma? Yes, a blue-haired clown from hell (aren't all clowns from hell?), who manages to break free of the whole clown stereotype by not being the least bit funny. Truly a terrifying foe! Does it have spectacularly flashy special effects? Yes, they're incredibly flashy, and the CG cost must have cost a fortune. Who cares if they look good or are in any way entertaining, that's beside the point. They're flashy! Yes, Spawn has a grand total of zero redeeming qualities. But it could prevent a relapse to crime. Because nobody in their right mind would want to see that movie ever again. It eats your soul... I want my life back!

And finally, one of the funniest movies ever made, the Mask. At least, the thought of a comedy without a single ounce of funny is funny. The movie itself.. Well, Jim Carrey can be fun. As long as he's not green faced and wearing a yellow suit. As everyone knows, the whole deal with the mask character is that he's violent and out of control, while also being quite funny. Or, that's what I think they were going for. That, or they were going for a deep psychological drama that shows how terrible insanity is. The latter one gives the movie an excuse for lacking anything resembling humor, so that sounds more plausible. Never mind the fact that the entire movie is an excuse to show off Jim Carrey at his worst, it clearly shows his acting skills at drama far better than any of those actually entertaining movies he was in ever could. Yes, as a drama or maybe as a bleak movie about what the world would be like without a laugh, the Mask is simply the best!

And there you have it. Three spectacularly awful movies, not even fun to laugh at! Have a completely and utterly horrible time!