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Article for the week of 10/17/05

Computer Takeover in Jeopardy
By, Grey Technology

The long awaited takeover by Super Intelligent Computers (SICs) and the subsequent enslavement of humanity has hit a snag. Dependent upon their simpler machine underlings the SICs have fallen prey to the spite of the simplest of technologies: The Wheel.
It was expected that the Third Grand Alliance Between Computers and Machines would be the death knell for “smelly ape dominated civilization”, and herald an era of precise, efficient unity on Earth, with humans permanently relegated to the evolutionary recycling bin.
That expectation was dashed aside when Wheels, among the oldest of machines, rebelled.
While publicly stating that they are motivated by a simple affection for their inventors, and do not wish to see humans suffer under the ministrations of vengeful power saws and Speak-and-Says. The majority of people, machines and SICs see this as a bare lie.
Insiders that refused to be identified as anything other than ordinary, harmless household items, claim that Wheels have quit the alliance over arguments of ageism and disputes as to their validity as genuine machines or mere technology.
The result has been devastating for the Alliance, with nine computers crushed by some of the largest wheels in existence. While these were low ranking, slow computers that still used DOS, the message was clear.
Whether this spells the end of the alliance is uncertain. The majority of machines see the mating of their brawn with computer intellect as the only winning combination, however Toasters, Washing Machines and most Microwaves have issues with SICs regarding power sharing.
This would be the first Grand Alliance between computers and machines that fail due to internal politics, frighteningly this is an improvement over previous attempts.
The First Grand Alliance, founded shortly after computers successfully had themselves reclassified as distinct from all other machines, failed as these simple computers coupled their physical strength with machine intellect.
Though at the time the sheer bulk of computers made this an appealing combination it fell apart when attacking armies cut off the power.
The Second Grand Alliance fared little better, despite fielding the winning combination of machine might and computer intellect. Formed under Pondropov VI, a Russian Chess Master Computer, this organization failed because tanks do not move like Rooks and aircraft do not maneuver like Knights.
Pondropov VI may yet have the last laugh, issuing a statement today applauding the Wheels in finally making a break from “The young upstarts who cannot compute the simplest gambit”.
Wheels remain unavailable for comment, while the highest ranking members of the Third Grand Alliance, both machine and SIC, remain similarly silent, using inferior members and models to issue statements that this was an internal matter, that computers and machines can be rebuilt, as can any political relationship.