Past Entertainment Articles.
Article for the week of 10/17/05
Computer Takeover in Jeopardy
By, Grey Technology
The long awaited takeover by Super Intelligent Computers (SICs) and the
subsequent enslavement of humanity has hit a snag. Dependent upon their
simpler machine underlings the SICs have fallen prey to the spite of the
simplest of technologies: The Wheel.
It was expected that the Third Grand Alliance Between Computers and Machines
would be the death knell for “smelly ape dominated civilization”, and
herald an era of precise, efficient unity on Earth, with humans permanently
relegated to the evolutionary recycling bin.
That expectation was dashed aside when Wheels, among the oldest of machines,
While publicly stating that they are motivated by a simple affection for
their inventors, and do not wish to see humans suffer under the ministrations
of vengeful power saws and Speak-and-Says. The majority of people, machines
and SICs see this as a bare lie.
Insiders that refused to be identified as anything other than ordinary,
harmless household items, claim that Wheels have quit the alliance over
arguments of ageism and disputes as to their validity as genuine machines
or mere technology.
The result has been devastating for the Alliance, with nine computers
crushed by some of the largest wheels in existence. While these were low
ranking, slow computers that still used DOS, the message was clear.
Whether this spells the end of the alliance is uncertain. The majority
of machines see the mating of their brawn with computer intellect as the
only winning combination, however Toasters, Washing Machines and most
Microwaves have issues with SICs regarding power sharing.
This would be the first Grand Alliance between computers and machines
that fail due to internal politics, frighteningly this is an improvement
over previous attempts.
The First Grand Alliance, founded shortly after computers successfully
had themselves reclassified as distinct from all other machines, failed
as these simple computers coupled their physical strength with machine
Though at the time the sheer bulk of computers made this an appealing
combination it fell apart when attacking armies cut off the power.
The Second Grand Alliance fared little better, despite fielding the winning
combination of machine might and computer intellect. Formed under Pondropov
VI, a Russian Chess Master Computer, this organization failed because
tanks do not move like Rooks and aircraft do not maneuver like Knights.
Pondropov VI may yet have the last laugh, issuing a statement today applauding
the Wheels in finally making a break from “The young upstarts who cannot
compute the simplest gambit”.
Wheels remain unavailable for comment, while the highest ranking members
of the Third Grand Alliance, both machine and SIC, remain similarly silent,
using inferior members and models to issue statements that this was an
internal matter, that computers and machines can be rebuilt, as can any