Thinking, it hurts sometimes.
Zombies and the Supreme Court
By Puns McKenna
In another unprecedented case of Zombies rights, we’ve seen a push for their ability to join the Supreme Court. Now, there in lies the rub. See I always figured the Supreme Court was already populated by a number of zombies.
I don’t see why they wouldn’t be perfect for positions of power. The Supreme Court is said to be an arena of intelligence and wisdom. Who could be more intelligent and wise than a zombie? They’ve been around for more than their natural lives. They’ve seen a number of things in their extended lives, and they’ve faced more hardships than mortals ever could. Face it, zombies are perfect for a number of important roles. I’m not sure what we’d do to dress them up in apolitical job, though. Could we even make that feasible? Hmm, I wonder. Let’s see what kind of things could we do to make life after death a little more favorable for zombies? Well, first off we could clone their brains. Yes, I know that cloning humans is still frowned on by those in power, but think about it. We could just take the brains they have and make an exact copy that would not have the detriments of being slowed by death. It would certainly keep the justice system from slowing any further than it already has.
And we could of course dress them in something more stylish than the tattered rags that they wear. Could you imagine a zombie dressed in a long black judicial robe and a powdered white wig? It would offset the pasty grayish-green that is common among the dearly reanimated. Oh, and they would most assuredly have to wear make-up. It would keep the cosmetics industry going for millennia. Think about it… As soon as a person dies, they get reanimated and go right on using their cosmetics. More so, if you get down to it, because they have to use more to cover up the foul shade of their rotting skin. We shouldn’t discriminate against them, if we can help it. After all, zombies are simply mortally challenged human beings. They should be allowed all the rights and privileges that they retained in their mortal lives. Which in turn means that they could very feasibly be elected to official offices. Political offices are given to the most qualified individuals, right? Well actually…no not really. They’re given to the politician who can sling the most mud and make it stick. I’d say zombies, based on their experience and current state of being would have the best chance of securing such an office.
They would be a great way for the younger Supreme Court justices to keep their offices once they’ve expired. It would make elections a lot less tedious. You wouldn’t have to campaign much. The process would be quite simple, really. You’d elect the person you wanted to be on the Supreme Court. When they died, assuming that you still like them, all you’d have to do is wait a couple of days then justice would continue as normal. The only drawback to that would be when one of the justices is heavily mutilated. Their countenance might become so awful that their co-justices wouldn’t be able to stand it. Even zombies have taste. On that note, I could see the other zombies consuming their co-justices that were severely mutilated. Not from choice mind you, but merely because it is what they do. If you’ve seen any of the movies that Hollywood has put out containing zombies, you know that they are compelled to consume their companions whenever they are weakened. It speaks to the animalistic nature of human beings. We keep it carefully in check, this urge, but when the chips are down they taste really good with barbecue sauce.
Confessions of a Dislocated Texan
Putting the fear in Fearklahoma
By Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)
Something I understand and roll my eyes about more than any other subject after growing up in the south is the abuse of fear. As I’ve sarcastically journeyed through adulthood I can’t help but notice how more ignorant this display of scare becomes.
Before the Republican Party photoshops me on the body of Joseph Stalin (Che Guevara has a much better taste in hats) I will let it be known that for a few things I respect a conservative standpoint. Yet, despite my view that abortion should only be a last life saving resort and how elephants are more majestic than mules, I draw the line well before many of the tactics made popular by the “Grand Old Party.” Then again, there are just so many places both parties just need to leave alone and shut up about how “dangerous” they are because of an irresponsible minority.
I’ve noticed since coming to the land of waving wheat, the examples of people using fright to promote their point is not lacking. In fact, the land I affectionately think of as the hat of Texas is trying to compete with the head it sits upon.
It is almost as if the Lone Star State could be falling behind the “I’m scared so you should vote this way game.” The goofiest example I’ve found is the number of people here who are scared Mexicans are some kind of evil creature sneaking over the border only to collapse everything we hold dear. I’ve seen less paranoia at the border in El Paso, but then again they actually know something about illegal immigrants (Course I wonder how many realize how America slowly invaded Texas in the first place).
Another afraid area jittery Okies share with their southern counterparts is just about any rumor attached to President Barrack Obama. If someone’s circulated the idea through a mass e-mail of terror, then at one point or another it has had people huddling here or soon will be.
The creeped out mob mentality must work even on the democrats statewide, because not even one precinct in the state declared victory for Mr. Change (by change they must mean waste money to top the last administration’s waste). I mean really, how many times does our president have to show records that he was born in the United States and that just because his dad was Muslim, does not mean that underneath the obvious church ties, he’s secretly plotting with Al Qaeda? Oh that’s right, I forgot he was doing it all because his middle name was the same as a secular leader who we overthrew only to find out there were no nuclear weapons.
All of this makes me wonder how they are going to top the Texas School Board’s recent decision to make textbooks more conservative. It’s pretty hard to outdo the whitewashing of terms like slavery, but maybe we’ve got the tense brain muscle to do it.
Ooh, I know, we can really show we’re terrified of everything by saying that Adolf Hitler was actually only a misunderstood art student that got a little carried away trying to “un-pimp” a over French-friendly Europe. Or here’s one Native Americans will love, President Andrew Jackson only marched people to the state because all the wagons were in the repair shop. Stop me if I’m getting you too relaxed.