Sunset's Random Page of Randomness
As of the 27th of September 2008, though actually much earlier, R.A.R.R. can be
considered on a permanent hiatus. It will be preserved here, but I have no plans
to tidy it up into a presentable state or update it with any semblance of regularity.
P.S. Mutilated Latin is now an official language.
»۰∙• {juliet} •∙۰ ;yeah. whatever. [takemetoseeGAZETTEon30thjuly):] ۰JULIET X JROCK. » says:
I can imagine the paperclip helper in Word suggesting changes to the body text of R.R.R.R.
"You have started your pseudo-autobiography with 'Fwee. Er, welcome...?'.
Do you mean 'The lives of my friends and I do not extend far past eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking and exhibiting our idiocy'?"
Fwee. Er, welcome...?
Tidied up a bit, but not much.
Kevin's helpful, he has donated imagery. Unlike you! Unless you're Kevin, in which case, thanks.
Give me a hand.
I'd really, really appreciate those random images and whatnot. Come on, it'll make R.A.R.R. neat, tidy and readable. It doesn't matter whether you can actually draw or not. I can't. Just donate, and you will be loved.
A layout for R.A.R.R. is currently being planned. Please donate any random images, handwritten-R.A.R.R.-quotes, musicals, films, composed classical pieces with a full orchestra, etc. to tosaikosjunk@hotmail.com
Praise for R.A.R.R.:
"I love R.A.R.R." ~Sarah
"R.A.R.R. owns your soul." ~Colin
"RARR r0xx0rz my p0gxx0rz" ~Percival
"Kewlziez! ^__^ Nothing like good, random fun." ~Chimeru
"I like it a lot!! Everyone needs some randomness in their life!" ~Camryn
"It [R.A.R.R.] is entertainingly random oddness that is love." ~Carnelian Mousey (/Kiharu)
"Randomlicious!!!" ~Doug
"The doctor said i would only have weeks to live if i didn't have any randomness soon so i must thank R.A.R.R. for saving my life" ~Jim the Lion
"If there was a definition for randomness this would be it." ~Coralie
"R.A.R.R. is good. I'm hungry. That wasn't a subtle hint, that was an outright demand! I just typed R.A.R.R. as R.R.R.R. Rrrrrrr! R.R.R.R. is grrrrrrrreat." ~Kinz
'Guarantees'
"RARR provides 65% of your RDA of Randomosity, and it's calorie free!"
"98% Italian anatomist free."
"8 out of 10 perverts use R.A.R.R.!"
I have decided that R.A.R.R. is awaiting an esotericism award from Kinz ("I should make RARR some sort of esotericism award.").
Please donate: tosaikosjunk@hotmail.com. Remember that I am not averse to pouncing on any random comments you make, whether you like it or not.
The Umbrella Fanclub. I am not a member, but join anyway.
Funky Realistic Exciting Dangerous Dramatic Internet Elephant
Joint Stories - Under Construction
Unfortunately, due to a disagreement between Toz and the HTML, the joint stories have to be posted as images. For the original 5-page-long-A4-notebook-sized one that inspired Nari into forcing Toz to make this section, this may prove difficult.
"My monster, she is tough, she could destroy you, but if you lay her down for a kiss, her little heart, it could explode..." I was reading a description of someone stabbing someone's heart out at the time (don't ask), so now... I cannot listen to that song...
Ooh ooh ooh! Hey! What! Like wow! Like... the hell? This is a song?
"If I had a sea of riches, I could live with being poor." Hear, hear!
Reaching out
Plz tell me what to do kthx
"KINZ: Wait!
TOZ: Stop, Mr. Postman..."
REMEMBER YOU'RE A WOMBLE.
Fancy Ultra Air Freshener.
"Gobble, gobble, turkey trouble, cauldron burn and stew pot bubble, gobble, gobble, turkey trouble, a herd of turkeys this way comes!"
"Nobody beat us, because they will eat us... we got no troubles, except for the bubbles- AHHHH! NOT THE BUBBLES!"
"When the cherry blossom starts to bloom, meet me here in the laundry room..."
In my car, I'll be the driver, in my car, I'm in contro- *SMASH*
Theven thwans a thwimming...
Vorsprung Durch!
"M/H/Etc.: Would it be my fault if I could turn you on? Would it be so bad if I could turn you on? ~♪
N: Yes."
"I just wanna crap myself 'cause I'm so happy again..." Yay for literal double-takes. I had to listen to this line twice because of this mishearing. The actual lyrics are "I just wanna cry 'cause I'm so happy again", from 'Birdie' by Doolittle (ITG2).
"Ohh, the temperature is rising and my sweat is vaporising and I can't feel my legs below my knees anymore
Ohh, the lava is hotter than a flame-broiled otter and my shoes are slowly melting through the fibreglass floor..."
[Toz is sat on a windowsill in the sun, eating Vienetta, after Sunday lunch.] TOZ/DAD/JAM: Lyndsey, sitting in the sun, how are you going to get your Textiles coursework done?~♪
"In Upendi..." ~Lion King II
"In your panty..." ~Jamie
"My recipe for instant bride, just add water~"
"TOZ: Mister Aladdin sir, have a wish or two or three~
KINZ: Or four or five...
TOZ: Help, he's stuck!
TOZ: Down a well!
TOZ: And counting!
TOZ: OH GOD!"
"Eating chicken poo for brrr-reakfast~
You think it's really hard, to eat chicken poo soup, you're wrong~" ~Kinz
"Oh Monty, you came and you ate my book, till Digweed gave you away, to Girlie~♪"
The Womble Project
Please, donate as you wish, since all Womble cosplayers are loved here.
Colin as Great Uncle Bulgaria
Nari cosplaying as a random Womble, drawn by Nari
Nari and Toz as Wombles, drawn by Nari
I don't own the Wombles in any way, if you were delusional and thought that I did. Just avoiding copyright issues or whatever you want to try and sue me for here. I probably should say I don't own the Bladebreakers and any of the song lyrics that are actually correct and so on, but I just have. Basically, I own very little.
Photography
Because we like photos depicting the most bizarre variety of objects.
Nuts may contain traces of nuts
The Pervy Mayor Hat
Currently belongs to: The Mayor
Cause of ownership: Constant and willful perversion
Is: The Mayor from HM64's hat.
Awarded to: Perverted people.
Because: "They should have a hat. They should come with a warning." ~Nari
Eat-Poop-You-Cat - Under Construction
Note: Please avoid this section if you find jokes about nudity, your mom, or penises crass or offensive.
Please bake my penis for 20 minutes on a high heat to I cannot function because I am too small
Guavas will eventually TAKE OVER THE WORLD! to I'm a pervert pringle
Turn me on, dead man. to We are all made of bones.
But who's got the remote? That would belong to Louise, she's got a new pet, a real vaginal tease. to Your mom and Puss-in-Boots are pointy
Could you please let me know when your penis is ready to be moved? to The sailor on SS Boxy found his explorations limited
My head hurts. to Your method of finding what you'd lost earlier was unfair on my fruit bowl!
The colour variation around your sensitive areas is worrying. to The Beatles disagreed with your mom when she denied the existance of her medical difficulties.
atomic fire-blast sugar candy! to The cheese pleas for mercy with the pieces of paper
I'm a Swedish leprechaun, ja! to The alcoholic mayor has lost his perv hat!
Moany, Wormpenis, Tampons and Thong to I'm fat and my penis has escaped!
Mustang Sally and Brown Sugar makes for "interesting" slash. to Two fat men stole the disabled horse's poo!
It's better down where its wetter to Erratic rates of paperclip attacks on people whose beards had caught fire turned the Elder into a dwarf. He decided to take advantage of this fact by becoming a Christmas elf in local malls.
Ok, thankyou, goodbye. to Why is my tongue swelling?
Grey and grey and grey and grey, grey and grey and grey, I can sing a woodlouse ♪ to Tuneful poo has a new song. He calls it 'Hello' and here are the lyrics: "Hello".
Please don't eat me! to Stickgirl's attempt at a rousing anti-health + beauty industry protest was met with muted response, as the rest of stickland was content with orgasms in their showers.
Buy one house, get one free. to Pour Bisto on your pet corpse for a delicious nutritious breakfast!
A non-commital lack of sound alerted the audience to the fact that the actors were out of ideas. to The Nazis' ideology is generally unhelpful. Poor old Adolf. The thought hadn't crossed his mind.
The R.A.R.R. Quote Game
Known to most as 'Lost in Translation'.
"If anyone wants to get me a present, you can get me a monocle."
English to Spanish to English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Dutch to English to Portugese to English to Russian to English to English.
"Therefore, that, which is going to go it(him) riceverme a gift (present), them riceverme competent considered(examined) (counted) the collection of sayings."
-Toz guessed incorrectly, even when told the section.
"Find the curved surface area of a pole dancer."
English to French to English to Spanish to English to German to English to Korean to English to Russian to English to Portuguese to English.
"Dancer of the point it surrounds the surface who opens."
-Ariel guessed correctly after being told the section, despite insisting that she couldn't.
"It's called galvanic skin response to impress people. We're actually measuring how sweaty you are."
English to Russian to English to Spanish to English to French to English to German to English to Italian to English to Dutch to English to Portugese to English to Russian to English.
"It mentioned to impress (his(its) caused) galvanique the answer of a skin (leather(skin)) of people. We measure really them for this purpose in sweat"
-Toz was right.
"...why is your Buzz Lightyear trying to get my dead snake to drink?"
English to Dutch to English to German to French to Italian to English to Russian to English to Chinese Simplified to English to Spanish to English to Chinese Traditional to English.
"...because its Lightyear attempts gezoem is, it will undertake my row in its him is inside the existence later after him will die to boire."
-Ariel was right, but was told the section.
"It's disorderly but it's my disorder and you can't have any. NO YOU CANNOT HAVE!"
English to Spanish to English to French to English to German to Italian to English to Dutch to English to Portuguese to English to Russian to English.
"The east you excitement however - my excitement also is capable to authority (power), she(it) has leaves (holidays) Number is not not present!"
-Apparently guessed by Toz.
*NOT YET GUESSED*
English to French to Dutch to English to Italian to English to Russian to English to Chinese Simplified to English to Portuguese to English.
"It makes servage in the card of the post office, that it is that it displacement later comes it to the address."
Examiners Go Too Far: Sunset's Mock Exam Paper
First, the paper kicks off with...
'The Bush'
-Write about the peace and solitude the author finds in the bush
-Describe the author's attitude to the bush
Followed by...
'Going Up'
-This extract is about a teenage girls' first serious experience of a day of activites.
The first is a poem on the Australian bush. The second is about a girl going rock climbing.
UPDATE
Have no fear. My classmates got revenge. -o-
In English, we were asked to design a magazine, complete with problem page. One group produced the following in tribute to our Mock SATs.
Title: The Bush
Slogan: The bushy bush!
About: Gardening
Problems on problem page:
1. "My problem is this. I have an abnormally large bush and nothing will trim it. I've tried every tool possible. I'm embarrassed to invite anyone over because I don't want to show them my bush. My husband, however, likes trimming the bush slowly on Friday nights."
2. "My problem is my cucumber. It's not long or hard enough. My wife used to love my cucumber, but now she goes to munch on our next door neighbour's instead."
The Perverted Dentist-Optician C-3PO and the Patient Who Was Spiderman With Many Disguises Including A Young Girl And R2D2
A random story via note-passing in Biology, by Tosaiko and Ariel/Sunset and cocobunny as the Perverted Dentist-Optician C-3PO and the Patient Who Was Spiderman With Many Disguises Including A Young Girl And R2D2 respectively
A: Just thought of a really bad way to die... choking on your dentures!!
General Toz commands her plastic troops in an assault against her brother while the other is on the Gamecube:
Random Quotes from School
"What sort of sicko would want to sniff your shoes?"
Toz's Very Serious GCSE Drama Notes On 'History Boys'
Play Title: HB, Alan Bennett
Is it live or is it memorex?
H
Beginning: Scene opens on a rainy street. N walking along. M+PF speaking backstage. Shadowy figures follow N. Catch him. Lights go down.
Talk about WEREWOLVES!
HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU
Pie
Mr [History Teacher], is History fucking?
Nostrils for sniffin'
-
"L: She's doing unholy things to the tomato!
The Final Maths Lesson Taught By Milky Bar Bandit, AKA. The Last Maths Lesson Because MBB Has Been Our Only Maths Teacher For The Past Two Years
Leavers' Assembly
The Awards People Got That Toz Bothered To Jot Down Not-Very-Subtly
-
"T: Did anyone do anything exciting over the holidays?
The story of O Mental One's library book, quoted roughly from memory:
"It's really distracting, having you fiddling in front of me... let me rephrase that."
[To demonstrate the conduct of female Bolsheviks, the Teacher begins perfomring a striptease until the agonised screams of his class convince him to stop.]
"T: As darkness fell... [Laughs.]
On Ariel's notes, scribed by Nari/Ellie:
"Answer the fucking question!"
A Normal Teatime with the Family ((or, Why The British Aren't As Civilised As Everyone Seems To Think))
"Jamie loves Mariah." ~Myself
A family walk
"I'M ACTUALLY REALLY ANGRY." ~Dad
The Midget Club
Leftovers from the abandoned website 'Beyblade Life', as taken from my notebook
Valentine version - Bladebreaker's comments page
You can see why I never published that.
Why James/Remus is better than Sirius/Remus
TOZ: Helpmeiwanttowritesirius/remus. ._.
Random MSN quoties. Most by
I like muffins
I like muffins
This provoked Toz to spend the majority of the rest of the conversation talking in rhyme. I'm going to upload all of it to taunt Ariel with, who doesn't have the entire transcript to put on COZ.
"Billions raised, billions spent, no idea where the money went. With a record so poor, he should be treasurer of the Labour Party or out of the door. My iambic pentameter is shit. ... I really need to work on it." ~Toz
Prime Ministers are just tools
"That's a very useful explanation in the parentheses in your username." ~Kinz [on Toz's username, which was 'N&M / one (1) trick ahead> of !disaster! | they're >quick- but _I'm much >>faster =D \ Tozbyflay the First ']
- They were both caused by the Germans
Toz Tries To Be Clever, also known as Answering the Unanswerable Questions With Lambing From Kinz And Ariel
"And I'm now the ruler of the universe. I stole it from you when you weren't looking." ~Toz
his what? His mother, his panda, his chocolate coated weasel of delectable edibleness, what?" ~Kinz
advertisement
[Many blank lines go here.]
infections.' Oh yeah, load of point in that, wasn't there?" ~Kinz
Tempting me.
Taunting me.
Being unwrapped on my desk.
But I must resist." ~Toz
...also intrigue!" ~Toz
{ juliet juliet xylophone / julietBox } . . . » » ` `that is enigmatic. that is textbook enigmatic.` ` « « i like impossible says:
I'm not quite getting it." ~Kinz
At around 11.30pm the first German aircraft began dropping flares over Exeter to guide their fellow pirates..." ~Kinz
My walkman is shouting at me.
No, let's not go there."
n : a public promotion of some product or service [syn: advertisement, advertizement, advertising, advertizing, advert] adv : in the Christian era; used before dates after the supposed year Christ was born; "in AD 200" [syn: AD, A.D., anno Domini]"
I DO NOT know how I managed this but I just thought 'inhabitants' said 'lesbians'. O_O;;" ~Kinz
*I think most sects of Christianity, for instance, would frown upon eating Jesus, but we should learn to appreciate what our God gives us." ~Toz
* Have Your Own Personal Maths Tutor In Your Living Room!
*breaks down into hysterics for some reason, probably the thought of controlling [Maths teacher] with a remote control*" ~Kinz
With ConquerGod you can...
Note to Toz: Start 'Kinz and Toz transport ConquerGod to Ariel'
Do you speak our language?
Hello - karate chope motion
dA Quotes
"Ouch, Phallus Bignuggets appears to be attempting to shove a sharp object down my esophagus!"
"TOZ: What is this "sane" you speak of?
"...But the hair looks like he's got a coconut on top of his head."
"OMG I LUVZ TEH PINGUZ0RZ!"
"It's arms are all black and think, and it's freaky expression.... +shudder+ Once I woke up in the night because it had fallen off the shelf. I think it'd landed on the wind-up thingy or something because it was just lying on it's side with its legs moving and the maraccas were shaking and.... o_O"
"TOZ: I don't actually know where that bear is now.
"Has she morphed into Captain-CanOpener?"
"You are a cabbage ^^"
"Oh no! Molly's pog is dead! =O"
"NARI: I count four.
The Random Insanities Of Cookie + Muffin/Tosaiko + Kinzi/Sunset + Fierychili - 2
Harry Potter characters
Completely Random TV Quotes
"OLD LADY: Arse. Bollocks." ~?
"At least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again."
How CSI Should Really Go
Other quotes I couldn't be bothered to make a new section for
"His organs taste nice." ~Kinz
Proximity alert in Tosaiko's file names: "That bloody llama... without a head!"
"Stop murdering Ron, Snape!" ~Me
"I'm Jewish, I'm homosexual and I'm from Sheffield. I'm fucked!" ~Posner, History Boys
"Bulgarian bon-bons." ~Kinz
Ariel, Kinz and Toz's Grand Day Out
Toz and Ariel also had much fun being on a hard, slippery seat with no seatbelt at the back of the bus. As they cried "Wheeee!" and crushed Toz against the window, Kinz sat in a much more dignified manner watching their childish antics.
"Jamie! Use the Yeg!" ~The Tenth Doctor in one of Toz's dreams (the Yeg was a bit like the force in Star Wars, but only Jam Pancakes had it)
The Salmonella Song
By Kinz and Toz
Here to teach kids to be healthy!
Center Parcs with Kinz and Toz
"America is a city in the state of New York."
A Review Of The Sandman
He recieves an overall average of ***oo, three stars out of five.
Various Quotes As Sidney Tries To Reassure Tosaiko About Work Experience
"You are NOT going to cause the apocolypse." ~Sidney
The Story Of What Isn't The RARR Newsletter
To: muffinsemailaddress@thehostusedformuffinsemailaddress.com
Latest update:
Latest poll:
Latest copyright:
[Removed and moved. <3]
I would just like you all to know how bizarre I find it that I can make a forum with the intent of getting many, many people flocking to it and ending up with two members, one being myself, but when I make a forum which barely anyone else can understand and has no appeal to those people anyway I can end up with twice that amount.
It's a funny old world, ne?
Other Sections and Things
Cabbit Archives
How To Not Pay Attention In School
The Virtual To-Do List
It's disorderly but it's my disorder and you can't have any. NO YOU CANNOT HAVE! NO YOU CANNOT SLEEP IN MY DISORDER!
T: Worse: Choking on [Physics Teacher]'s bowtie
No do not even go there! ...dentist glue.
What?
Patient: Perv, why should I give it to you?
Dentist: ...? oO
Patient: You asked me to open up and I'm still a virgin, pervy, this body ain't yours.
Dentist: So are you virgo intacta?
Patient: No but you are. By the way it was a no. Why are you taking it so lightly? i could have you sacked perv.
Dentist: You can't, because I've locked you in the dentist chair.
Patient: Ha I've got my moby. Anyway I'm Spiderman. This is what's behind the mask.
Dentist: I've always wanted to meet you! Can I have your autograph?
Patient: I just came to get my teeth checked. I must go optician's bye. [In opticians] Damn not you again.
Dentist/Optician: I'm a man of many talents.
Patient: Here we go again. You ain't getting my virginity!
Optician: Ok, ok. Sit back while I get the probe. Eye probe.
Patient: No you ain't getting my virginity. You can't, I've slept with someone!
Dentist: [Curiously] Who?
Patient: Mary-Jane Watts [swoons] I think I <3 her.
Optician: I thought you were a virgin young girl?
Patient: I have many disguises [laughs evilly]
Optician: [Patronisingly] Of course you do. [Leaves and returns with eye probe]
Patient: Are you calling me a) a liar b) a lesbian?
Optician: ...yes. Yes I am.
Patient: [screaming] help I'm stuck with the pervy version of that green guy from SPIDERMAN [possible name...[Pervert Gym Teacher]!]
[Or [Physics Teacher]!] Optician: [Laughs more evilly]
Patient: Who the fuck?
Optician: I have no idea. Now let me test your eyes.
Patient: Never
Optician: [draws light saber] Then I must kill you!
Patient: [does same] You'll have a hard job I'm immortal (and immoral) for I am R2D2!
Optician: And I am C-3PO!
"Right, men, we're losing. There's only one thing left to do. Use a cheat code."
"We're all going to die anyway... into the sock, men. Kamikaze!"
"TOZ: You can take the gold with you.
BROTHER TOO BUSY PLAYING SSX TRICKY TO JOIN IN THE WAR: *as army men* Did you say gold...?
TOZ: They'll be dead anyway so they can't steal it."
"...why is your Buzz Lightyear trying to get my dead snake to drink?"
Warning: If you are easily offended by bad language, then... well, you wouldn't like my school much. You'd have to wear earmuffs a lot of the time. So bear that in mind.
"AHHHimdead."
"RANDOM PERSON: *Flicks rubber at me.*
ME: *Can't take it any more and chucks the rubber back in his face.*
RP: SIR! SHE THREW RUBBER AT ME!
TEACHER: Did it hit you?
RP: YES!
T: Oh, that's ok then. If she'd missed I would have been angry, but hitting you with it's ok.
RP: *stares at teacher in confusion as he walks away*"
"Extra, extra! Man is pregnant!"
"RP1: And while I was having a fag, he-
RP2: You smoke?
RP1: Um, no."
"I think I'm sitting on an ant's nest."
"It was a good match, and we didn't win with points, but with blood, gore, and toil. Especially blood."
"Oh my god, I killed -name hidden-!"
"RP1: You must always eat what you're given.
RP2: I don't want to eat grass!
RP1: Respect your hostess! -a moment later- DON'T THROW GRASS AT YOUR HOSTESS!"
"I'm a murderer, MURDERER!"
"GOOGLE: Oh, this doesn't look like anything.
ME: Yes it does, it looks like a man with a bowler hat on.
COFFEE: Oh yeah, it does!
GOOGLE: -grumbling- Who asked you to look at my work, anyway?"
"I'm offended by you being taller than me. Stop it."
"Windows aren't spiky!"
"TEACHER: What's your 'y' axis called?
GOOGLE: Um... 'y'?"
"WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY LAND!"
"It's a spaz camel!"
"Can MUFFINS cause cancer?"
"Coming up with a name for our magazine in English
ME: *Dull* How about 'Muffin'?
RP1: Pardon?
ME: Muffin.
RP1: 'Nothing'? Yeah, that's cool!
RP2: I think she said muffin.
ME: Yeah. 'Nothing' is better, though.
RP1: Yeah! It's cool! NOTHING! Like, you go into the Newsagents - 'What do you want to buy?' 'NOTHING!' Or your parents say, 'Where are you going?' 'NOTHING!'
RP2: You'd say 'Nowhere' for that! And you don't just shout out random magazine names! 'Where are you going?' 'SUGAR!'"
"Blue was a good colour for your cow."
"WELLIES: I went to the dentist, and after they gave me cherryade.
RP1: They don't give you cherryade!
WELLIES: Yeah they did!
RP1: You don't get sugary drinks at dentists'!
WELLIES: ...It was sugar free.
RP1: You don't get sugar-free cherryade.
WELLIES: Well, they said it was. They got it from Tesco's.
*Insert lengthy argument about cherryade here*
RP1: *Turning to me* What do you think?
ME: Um... maybe it wasn't cherryade, but cherry aid, as in giving you an aid to clean your teeth that tastes of cherry.
RP1+WELLIES: Exactly!
RP1: She's on my side!
WELLIES: No she ain't!
*And so on.*"
"Writing lyrics in Music
RP1: When the clouds are low... and you... um... need cake...
RP2: ...You get a cape from your grandma's snake!
RP2: Yeah, that can be our second verse." ((And it was.))
"Eww, cockbunnies."
"Blastoise! He was a mental case."
"It's not stealing, it's taking things that aren't mine and I'm not going to return."
"Down with pants! English pants. Down with them."
"Can't you get the thing up?" ~Textiles teacher when trying to work a sewing machine
"And... there, it should come." ~Same Textiles teacher
"I had to say something to get him to come."
"Terry the Gingerbread Man's sperm is... no. I won't even ask why you're prostituting gingerbread men."
"Let's see how fast can you lose your virginity."
"[As Elizabeth Proctor, emotionally] Oh, John! I have to do my laundry! I love my laundry more than you!"
"Oh, John! Ih, Elizabeth! Oh, John! Oh, Elizabeth! Oh, John! Oh, Elizabeth! Yup, we just do that for two minutes and fill the others with long, meaningful pauses."
"1: What's a multiple of pi?
2: Cake."
"Photosynthesis: The process of putting a picture in a frame."
"I wrote 'I am a fish' about 43 times on that test." (-There's a surprisingly large amount of Red Dwarf fans at my school.)
"'Red blood cells are flying donut shape.' How many people here have seen a flying donut?"
"Those bastards. How humane."
"1: Elizabeth walks into the room.
2: Are you ok, Elizabeth?"
"I wasn't late until I was late."
"I'm sick of practical fucking lessons!"
"I think this calculator's broken, it says seven times four is twenty-eight."
"1: Do you have a cat or dog? A rabbit?
2: I only have some fish and they're all dying or dead.
1: Well, you could write a presentation on how not to look after fish."
"Stop graffiti-raping my contact book!"
"It smells like someone wet themselves and tried to cover it up with marmalade."
"And I'm amazingly attractive DON'T SAY ANYTHING."
"I want to read about breast awareness! I am not aware of my breasts!"
"It's like a slap in the face with a wet trout." ((There was more to this quote but I'm not in the mood to type it up.))
"Please consult physician if you feel like a souffl�."
"1: Arrrgh, I don't want to do World Issues, I'm tired, I want to go home, and [WI Teacher] can't fucking teach, arrrgh...
2: Enjoy World Issues."
Toz fills in her yearbook nominations
"T: Me... me... me... you... me... you... me... me...
C: You can't put yourself down.
T: Shh.
Later
T: Ok. Yearbook. Best couple, Nathaniel and Marlesse. Nathaniel. Marlesse. Nathaniel. Nathaniel.
C: You can't put down fictional characters, either.
T: Damn. ...most likely to go to jail, Poisonfruit..."
"I'm going to go and stand on a street corner now. While I'm gone- to smoke drugs, and spit. While I'm gone I want you to carry on- and scare old ladies. Carry on working."
"[Teacher, after an argument involving pencils.]
Right, I'm going. *Leaves, returns twenty seconds later.* I forgot my keys."
"Not again! I'm pregnant!"
"EDWARD: [After getting a string of questions right.] Teddy's on fire!
2: Did anyone else just think of a teddy on fire?"
"I'm MILKING HIM!"
"Prawn-flavoured ice-cream? Oh yes, that's perfectly natural, everybody likes that."
"Yes, I'm a mentalist. Cold cheese, cold cheese."
"Basically, we've decided that I'm not good, and my mental health is not all it should be, so in case I tip over the edge in lessons I have a backup."
"Ooh, I think this calls for a sexy party!"
"Yeah, [Person]'s in the machine, so when you select a character he goes 'Mario!' or 'Luigi!'."
"1: Did you know that shagging [person] is like shagging a bear?
2: You've tried both?
1: Yup."
"They promised me a new whiteboard. In September [November at time of quote]. They even came around to measure it, to tease me. They said 'We've got your whiteboard!' in half term. 'It's here!'. SO WHERE IS IT, eh?"
"[On whiteboard.]
Look, it still has Christmas decorations from two years ago. And some staples... and a pin... oh, and a Frank. And some dirt. It does this: *rolls surfaces around*. Nice sturdy frame, that's not going anywhere..."
"I might get a new light in six months, to go with my whiteboatd."
"T: Maybe it's your overinflated sense of self-importance.
1: That was a big word, sir.
T: Yeah, I might think of another one in a minute... subterfudge."
"T: What do you know about the Greeks?
1: Didn't they have those little forks?"
"[Person] Smokes forks?"
"I am not a robot."
"I am not a prostitute!"
"1: They built roads at the top of hills.
T: What? How did that work? Like a square bit of concrete at the top of the hill? This is a road. It's at the top of the hill. It's not going anywhere. Did you mean castles?
1: Yeah."
"You might be a secret werewolf lover."
"1: Could you close the window?
TOZ: *Gets up and leans out of the window to do so.*
T: [*Diving in slow-motion between Toz and window, as if she was about to jump out of it.*] No! Don't do it!"
"T: Would you like to know the questions [on your mock exam paper]?
STUDENTS: Yes.
T: Hee hee hee. Well, I'm not going to tell you."
"She [Queen Victoria] was a right old druggie."
"T: [Student], your Blitz coursework was crap.
S: Yeah? Well, so's your teaching."
"Happy birthday to you, can I borrow a pen?~♪"
"No need to get violent about the cube root of 64."
"[Submitted by Kinz.]
T1: Let's build a tower.
T2: ...
T1: [stacks up Pritt sticks, gets to five] It's not going to hold much longer! [attempts to add a sixth anyway]
T2: Nonono! Stop! [Teacher 1], you should BLOW it.
T1: [gives [Teacher 2] an odd look, bursts into laughter] I- fair enough. [blows gently]
Pritt sticks: [collapse!]
T1: Hee hee hee.
T2: [Teacher 1], that was just petulant.
T1: Hee hee hee!"
"T: Let us discuss hereditary diseases.
S: Diet coke?"
"This is my uncle agony hat today."
"T: You are subject to exam conditions-
S: Regulations.
T: Regulations, whatever. This means that you are not allowed to do... anything. If you do want to do something...
S: Ask an invigilator.
T: Yeah."
"I'd ask you why we're discussing the lifespan of pens, but I can't pronounce 'discuss' so I won't."
"I'm going to divide you into groups and give you one of the diseases."
"Do you put iron because... it's... good... at... iron things?"
"You killed an elephant! Did it die?"
"A micro-micro biologist."
"A micro-biologist is a very small biologist."
"C: So how do birds know [to sit on the earth wire of power lines]?
S: Experience. Many a bird has died!"
"Smell my dog! I don't want to smell your dog! SMELL MY DOG!"
"Question four, is it lunchtime yet? No, that's not question four."
"Stop killing people, please."
"[On the liver being used for the catalase in Chemistry.] Is it a human liver, sir?"
"[After the Chemsitry teacher has been rambling for five minutes about why you can't make a pineapple trifle.] Sir, is this going to be in the exam?"
"I'll invent a new jelly, sir. Then you'll be sorry."
"MEMBER OF OFFICIAL GROUP DOING A PRESENTATION ON DRUG-DRIVING: We'll go on to weed later.
STUDENTS: *snigger*
MOOGDAPODD: ...I don't mean go on to weed. Yeah. We'll do weed later."
"MOOGDAPODD: Now, give me a big, hard blow.
STUDENTS: *snigger*
MOOGDAPODD: Oh, honestly."
"MOOGDAPODD: That little green light could turn into a leprechaun.
STUDENT: [Who has been asked to demonstrate driving under the influence of acid.] *Pretends that a leprechaun has just jumped up onto his hand.*
MOOGDAPODD: Yeah. So when you're driving, this leprechaun could appear and tell you to burn down the school or-
STUDENT: [As MOOGDAPODD continues talking.] *Raises his hands as if the leprechaun is talking to him, and then gets up and runs offstage.*"
"T: Are you happy or sad?
K: A bit of both.
T: Why?
K: Well, I was happy, but when I saw your face I suddenly felt sad for some reason."
"I don't know what's wrong with me, ignore me, I've run out of medication and it's making me a bit mad."
"S: How do you expect us to work in this confusing atmosphere?
T: I'm leaving, that's how.
Ss: Bye!
T: Bye!"
[While laughing] Why would I laugh at your face? [Laughs]"
"S: Oh, he was evil!
T: Who?
S: Richard Wiseman. He said to boil puppies until their skin fell off.
T: What's wrong with that? nothing wrong with that."
"Stew the puppies!"
"[Silence.]
T: *Suddenly.* Heh heh heh.
Ss: *Look up.*
T: *Looks around as if wondering why they suddenly began laughing and he didn't do anything.*"
"What do you use alcohol for in Science? ...no, not for drinking..."
"T: Read page 96 too. It's got more of Richard Wiseman on. Oh, and the picture is not what it looks like.
Ss: *Turn to that page, laugh.*
T: *Looks smug. Says grinning,* Like I said..."
"If you could stop drawing penises on my Stage 10 book, please..." ~Contirbuted by Coralie
"Maybe you need to do some enlargements." ~Contributed by Coralie
"C: Don't make me laugh. I'm so tired I might collapse.
L: *Acts this out.*
T: *Only sees L collapse.* Lyndsey? Are you ok?
L: Yes, I was just-
T: Are you all right? You just collapsed.
L: Yeah, I-
C: She hasn't eaten lunch today, sir.
L: But I didn't colla-
T: Do you know about blood sugars, Lyndsey?
L: Yes, but this didn't-
T: *Explains about them anyway.*
L: I know.
T: I thought you were going to say you weren't human then.
L: ...yes. I'm from Mars."
"Here's an Alan, there's an Alan, and another little Alan, funny Alan, fuzzy Alan, Alan Alan Davies~♪" ~Toz [near a boy she insists looks like Alan Davies, an opinion everyone else disagrees with]
"Alan Davies in a bath of cream soda."
"Ooh, draw Prongs in a dress! ...give him a boob job... make the dress semi-transparent so you can see his thong."
"S: We need a metaphor... a metaphor...
ENGLISH TEACHER: What is a metaphor?
S: Who knows, sir? Who knows?"
"Metaphorically... I can't open the door."
"1: What is a black hole? Besides the obvious.
2: ...It's black.
1: I said besides the obvious!"
"1: Guess what I am!
2: Um...
1: A lifeguard!
2: Oh, wow! Really?
1: ...no. Not yet."
"T: There are all sorts of things you can do with potatoes - boil them, mash them...
HALF THE CLASS: Stick 'em in a stew."
"[On the 'Fight or Flight' response]
'Your bank manager keeps sending letters! They won't go away! So you go in and stab him with a spear!'
'T: You can't even kill your bank manager any more because he is a bloody computer!
S: Bastards!'
'How many times have you seen a tiger this morning?'"
"[Looking for signs of stress.]
'How are you going to watch them? You could hide in a cupboard, you could have a CCTV camera watch them, you could put them in the Big Brother house, you could pretend to be a dog, you could follow them wearing a cloak of invisibility, you could disguise yourself as a Year 11 student and observe them...'"
"1: *Sits on chair posing as a lie detector machine.* The lie detector says you're lying.
2: It broke, you sat on it!"
"It's called galvanic skin response to impress people. We're actually measuring how sweaty you are."
"Chiung Lyuung Poing."
"I don't really know when penguins are coming out. ...How did I say penguin instead of films?"
"A sexual relationship for Lyndsey!"
"How do you pronounce the colour red?"
"It's a very long-eyelash, sexy sheep."
"Find the curved surface area of a pole dancer."
"Yes, pole dancers are now a frustrum!"
"What sort of food colouring is brown? And don't answer. Because that isn't food colouring."
"...so I effectively had to use a calculator to work out one plus one." ~Colin after using a calculator to work out √1 + √1
"C: Books... in a thong!
A: That sounds like Lupin."
"Of course a tree has wings! How else does a tree get to tree heaven?"
"[Donated by Kinz.]
T: [is rambling]
There is a wolf-whistle from somewhere.
T: [Student], was that you?
S: Yes, sir.
T: [tips his head to one side, smiles coyly] Thank you. [pause] [less subtly than intended] See me after class.
Everyone: [bursts out laughing]
T: You know, I actually felt terrible before class but I feel better now. [pause; hurriedly] Not because of you, [Student]!
S: Are you sure, sir?
T: Welllll..."
"Why do buses say that all suffering- oh, Buddhists."
"If anyone wants to get me a present, you can get me a monocle."
"T: You know, when you look in someone's eyes you can see their humanity-
S: Or their insanity.
T: Or their insanity. In your case..."
"The old mobile phones were like, this big. [Folds up a large, awkwardly shaped bit of cardboard and holds it to his ear.] Hello? I'm on my mobile."
"I'm the worst player at Pop-Up Pirate ever. It's a pure game of chance but I always lose. I lose ten-to-one! That is not possible, but I managed it!"
"I got told off by someone else's mother for not eating breakfast. Have you had breakfast? No. Well, you should! Shut up. I'm twenty-seven! I can do what I f-[trails off] Yeah."
"This is snow. Welcome. Now let's focus on Robert Koch."
"T: I've just been lobbying [Teacher] to let us go home.
Ss: Yes!
T: But he wasn't having any of it."
"Koch, hur hur hur."
"1: [During a Chemistry lesson, on a video which had custard alongside elements in examples of oxidisation.] Custard? Custard oxide.
2: Custide.
3: Custardisation."
"Practice exam question: Write one other way of getting rid of waste plastic.
Eat it! Crunch it into smaller pieces with your molars, moisten with saliva, break down with acid in your stomach, drink one gallon of acid, spend one hour on the toilet the next day. Flush toilet. Repeat!"
'Demonstrating surgery in the 1800s:
"1: It's his birthday.
T: Is it?
1: You'll have to cut him in the shape of a cake."
"T: How are you feeling, patient?
1: Lovely.
T: Really? You do know we're about to cut your leg off?"
"T: [Student], you're going to help, right?
STUDENT BEING "OPERATED" ON: NO!"
"T: [Student]'s my...
S: Bloodstopper.
T: Yes.
S: Blub blub, blub blub."
"T: Is it your birthday?
1: yes it bloody is.
T: How old are you?
T: Well, too young to die."
"T: I'vew got to be careful.
1: YES!
T: It went wrong a few years ago. Let's just say I had to move all the way to Devon."
"T: This is supposed to be a big, curly sort of knife.
1: It's blunt.
T: All right. We'll just have to work hard.
2: Use a spoon.
T: [Evilly.] Let's cut him open with a spoon!"
"How are you limping? You've only got one foot! You can't just drag it!"'
"[Devonshire accent.] Pain! Dirty! ...I'll put 'infection' for those of us who want to pass their exams."
"T: [Devonshire accent.] To fix the dirty problem we need...
S: Detergents.
T: What, like... Dettox?"
"1: What did they do with the limbs they amputated?
...2: Roast them.
T: Roast them? Roast 'em! ROAST 'EM!"
"T: [Referring to end of year photos.] It makes me sad [that you're going], because you all look so lovely.
1: HI!
T: I take it back."
"Interesting. What are we doing today? Today we shall be practicing balancing things on our heads. [Puts book on head.] Ah yes. Yes. I might start this as a method. I don't know what I'm doing with my hands... but it's not straight."
"Somebody kick him? SOMEBODY KICK THE TEACHER!"
T: [Talking about plastic surgery.]
1: Can I have a book?
2: I thought he was going to ask for plastic surgery then.
T: [As student, fingering neck and jaw, as if contemplating plastic surgery.] Can I have a bit...?"
"T1: [While T2 is doing a coursework lesson in the computer room.] Excuse me, [Teacher 2], this is a Humanities classroom, you have to leave.
T2: No.
T1: You have to!
T2: I'm not going to!
T1: I HAVE A CLASS OUT THERE!
T2: I'M NOT LEAVING!
T1: Nah, I was just joking.
T2: Ok."
"S1: Why are you here early? You're never here early.
T: Oi! Because I love all of you. Except you, [Student 2]."
"I'm feeling a bit strange today..."
"T: [Begins singing the tune of William Tell Overture, hitting his book in time to the music.] Ba bla ba ba ba ba ba...!"
"How can you tell if a duck is constipated? Excuse me, Mr Duck, are you constipated? Yes, I am! That explains the look."
"T: There's a chimney sweep! [Begins dancing.]
1: Why's he got his gut hanging out?
2: He's a bit of a chubby chmineysweep.
T: Yeah, he's a bit fat.
1: he wouldn't fit up many chimneys.
T: [Devonshire accent.] 'Ee woodn' fit up many chimleys, would 'ee?"
"T: Because I am...
1: Special.
T: [Snaps fingers at 1.] Special. That's the word for me."
"T: When did Louis Pasteur discover germs?
S: Before.
T: Question one, when did Louis Pasteur discover germs? [Long pause.] Before. One mark!"
"T: Er, [Student].
S: Yes?
T: I don't really want to hear about things going 'up yer ass', so if you'd keep it to yourself."
"In the beginning there was surgery."
"I've forgotten your name. [Clicks fingers, points at her.] Is. Is is. Ahhh, success!"
"Humphrey Boggart discovered nitrous oxide."
"I would LOVE to write a yellow slip [punishment form] like that. Annabelle had to be removed from my lesson... honestly. I didn't know ladies could burp like that."
"T: No I won't do drawings all lesson. I will do Maths.
S: You do that.
T: No, I won't be sarcastic to sir." ~Submitted by Ariel
"I've been attacked by a sprite bottle!" ~Submitted by Ariel
"Now, am I going to stand up and have 'Spank me hard' or something dodgy stuck to my bum?" ~Submitted by Ariel
"You can only do this if it involves you making a fool of yourself." ~Submitted by Ariel
"S: [Hugs teacher.] Give me the phone. Sir, I demand you give me the phone!
T: Never!
S: [Puts hand around neck.] I'll kill him.
[Teacher pulls funny face.]" ~Submitted by Ariel
""Why's he got a toy car? Oh my god! HE'S STOLEN NODDY'S CAR! Give it back, you bastard German!" ~Submitted by Kinz
"S: Sir, I challenge you to a duel!
T: I wouldn't duel with you, [Student].
S: Guns or swords?
T: I wouldn't play swords with you.
S: Guns, swords or cocks?
T: That's going too far!"
-
Blue = Toz
Red = Ariel
Somewhere at sometime
(see ticket)
N&G + Stationery cupboard
NevAR.e
End:
werewolves
werewolves!
Good thing I'm in a different House. =D
ice
cream
Wisconsin
J: What, like this?
[Kinz licks tomato erotically.]
L: She's seducing her tomato!
J: It's a prostomato."
"L: How do I put this?
J: What?
L: It says 'What, like this? Licks tomato...'?
J: Erotically?"
"SPHERICAL CHEESE!"
"1, 2, 3, congratulations, you have not been raped! 4, 5, 6, you have not been raped! 7, 8, 9..."
"Ss: [Talking about talking pedometers.]
T: Well done, you have not been raped yet!
ST: [Teacher], I think you need to go and think about what you just said.
T: [Leaves, returns 20 minutes later with coffee.]" ~Submitted by Kinz
"T: Kayleigh?
K: Yeah?
T: [Insinuating sexually-related.] Can you do me a favour?
K: What...?
T: Go and get the register." ~Submitted by Kayleigh
"The stuff you need to know, the stuff you need to know, hey ho ma doomio, the stuff you need to know~♪"
"Stuff I'm putting to fill the space but you don't need to know it anyway so I'm going to tell you, all day long~♪"
"English revision glasses! Snow glasses!"
"Apparently, mr [Geography Teacher] does this [steeples fingers like Mr Burns] because, you know, he's like this - [jumps around in front of the whiteboard]"
"T: And the other one [leader of the Spartacist revolt]?
S: Karl... something German.
T: Karl Something German. Karl Hitler."
"T: [In a History lesson.] Everyone ready, books out, pens, pencil, ruler, compass, protractor...
S: Calculator.
T: Don't be silly."
"The Treaty of Versailles. The answer to ever exam question. Except in History of Medicine."
"They call it the Munich Putsch, but we don't know where it is. Some guy said it was in Bavaria..."
"T: They will not ask you why Hitler spied on the Nazi party.
S: I bet they do now.
T: They won't. If they do, I will eat my own... shoe."
"T: [Trying to offer tips on how to remain calm during an exam.] Just - Carl, do that face again.
C: [Smiles, eyes closed, leans back, nods in satisfaction.]
T: Yeah. Do that. [Does it himself.] Yeah. Ok. Seriously ok. I'll come and stand outside your exam doing that." ~He didn't, but Kayleigh, Carl and I did it to each other before the exam
"T: [Explains that there will be one question paper and two answer booklets, and we must get the right answer booklet.]
S: Will it say which one is which?
T: Yes. I think it will. I don't think it'll be potluck."
"T: The main core of the questions will be from 1900 to the present day.
S: That narrows it down."
"T: [Arguing about uniform and teachers.] I could come in here naked it I wanted-
S: Aw, that would be Christmas come early!"
"No. Jesus has got nothing to do with it [incompletion of the register]. Incompetent people, maybe..."
"1: So you could make up anything random for that question [explaining your dreams and ambitions]?
2: Yeah, that's what she [Teacher] just said.
1: So you could say you wanted to be a serial killer."
"I want to be famous, so I think killing a lot of people would work..."
"T: Describe, explain and...?
S: Describe."
"A calculator, in a Maths lesson? What are you talking about?"
"S: So you're telling us 'don't turn up to the exam, go and have a wank'.
T: Yes. That way everybody's happy."
"1: Badger porn.
2: What the hell are you on about?"
Here the students begin writing on the whiteboard.
"[Testing Maths teacher's skill: 7 + □ = 7.] Give that a go sir! If you dare!"
"1: What, you want me to write a thousand zeros?
2: Yeah.
1: I could be here a while."
"[Milky Bar Bandit's Tormentor's Nemesis, MBBTN]'s mum equals... how do you spell chlamydia?"
"99 x 10^Googleplex Stone = [Milky Bar Bandit's Tormentor's Nemesis]"
"[MBBTN] equals 100 over pies times being overweight over his mum is a [???] who sucks on my willy. This is an excellent equation."
Milky Bar Bandit then steers them away from the whiteboard and into a game of Bingo.
"T: So the first prize is a tin of rice pudding.
MBBTN: Oh, they're really pushing the boat out here!"
"Me? Buy you? Sweets? Why, why, why, why, why? Why would I buy sweets for you?" ~(At the end of the lesson Milky Bar Bandit admits that, for whatever reason, he actually did, and hands them around)
"S: Did you say 69?
T: I would have said it with a lot more double entendre.
S: [Milky Bar Bandit's Tormentor]'s 69."
"Number of Africans in sir's basement, 99." ~This isn't intended to be racist; it's based on a running gag of sorts, from the time Milky Bar Bandit was away in Africa at someone's wedding. Our cover teacher informed us that he only went to try and hook up with someone.
"[MBBTN]'s mum, 69!"
"T: Two fat ladies, 88.
MBBTN: [MBBT's] mum.
MBBT: You can talk!"
"You have won yourself a tin of Sainsbury's Basics Rice Pudding."
"We're on the council. We've never been to a meeting, but we are on the council."
"MBBTN: [Goes up to collect his award.]
MBBT: [MBBTN]! I love your mum!"
"[Geography awards.]
And... MBBT for 'would least like to get into a fight with'. Hm. You'll have to ask the Geography teachers about that."
"[At random intervals.] [MBBTN]! Your mum's fit!"
"T: And now we'll do the Maths ones [awards]...
A: Lyndsey, for most abject loss of knowledge."
"T: [Doing PE awards.] Communication, girls were good. Listening, girls were bad.
GIRL: Well, it goes in one ear, out the other.
T: Well, there's the winner, [Girl]!"
S: I got arrested. In France.
*A student says he was arrested under the mistaken belief he had stolen a jacket.*
T: How did you get out of it?
S: I told them I was English.
T: ...so you didn't say "The jacket's mine, here's the receipt", you said "I'm English"?
S: Yes.
T: And they let you go?
S: Yes."
"*Discussing what a revolution is.*
S: It's a change, in a place.
T: *Looks at him as if to say "That's it?".*
S: No, wait! In a place... where there are changes."
"1: You need a leader, to guide the people and put the idea in their head. I mean, we might all think that the teachers at [School] are shit, but one person has to say that. Then we might all agree, and overthrow the teachers!
2: Quick, sir, throw her out before she starts a revolution!"
"T: What is a revolution like?
...1: You can have different types of revolution... a sneaky revolution.
T: A sneaky revolution?
2: Look over there! *Mimes leading a revolution.*"
"It's like group sex, only it's not as fun. It's group homework!"
"He's my hero. And the only man I've ever wanted to sleep with. I didn't! Much to my disappointment. ...I shouldn't have told you that."
"He's denailing Russia!"
"This is the book which cost me about £3000 and is the reason I cannot get a mortgage. I got it out of my University library, then thought I'd lost it and didn't return it. They sent me letters about it, you know, a fine of £20, that sort of thing, but I couldn't be bothered to take it back. So then they took me to court! But it was in East Norwich, and I thought, nah, too far, I won't bother. And they gave me a CCJ. So now I can't take out loans or get a mortgage - because I didn't return a library book. I can still take books out of the library! But I can't get loans. I've tried explaining to the loan companies, but they won't have any of it."
"T: Ok, Marxism. Nothing to do with-
S: Sex.
T: Fiddling."
"T: Do you remember this from last time?
S: Nn, no.
T: But you were here last time!
S: I wasn't paying attention!"
"Super Spade 3000."
"If I want someone's head chopped off, fine. If I want to eat toothpaste, that's fine too."
"*To a student in an 'I look better naked' t-shirt.* Your t-shirt is distracting me. Not that I'm thinking about you naked! ...This is not fine!"
"He [student teacher] has been with me [History teacher] for three lessons today, and he's already heard a discussion on sperm-swallowing and porn ornaments... [to Student Teacher] don't- don't repeat this to anyone! It's all out of context!"
"T: [Ariel], were you here on Thursday?
ARIEL: ...No?
T: Am I imagining things again?
ARIEL: Sir, what've you been taking?
T: Nothing. That's the problem. I need to visit the doctor. [Pause, in which students laugh.] You think I'm joking."
"ARIEL: [After explaining why she would support the Bolsheviks rather than the Mensheviks, says louder than she meant to.] Plus a bed of nails sounds fun.
T: So- yeah. The Bol- what did you say? Say it again so the class can hear
ARIEL: [Quietly.] I said a bed of nails sounds fun.
T: [Laughs.] O-kay. We had someone like that in the last group. Keep it to yourself next time, please."
"S1: *Explains that one student can't be bothered to turn up nd is in the common room playing table tennis.*
S2: You did that to Ben! You'll have two people after you!
S1: I'm a teacher in disguise."
"My voice is breaking! I'm turning into a man!"
"Russia's dividing all the time. It's like cell divison. I can't keep up with it."
"There's always a 'but' with Russia."
"T: The person you're going to get angry at is the person hitting you with a stick. If you're lucky. If you're not lucky- maybe a sabre or something.
S: Ooh, no. You wouldn't strike after that.
T: No, you'd be dead."
"This sounds dodgy, listen - I have no qualifications, I'm just interested in young people..."
"T: Think about it. What's important to them?
S: [Devonshire accent] Farm.
T: [Devonshire accent.] Farm? They ain't from Devon!
S: Tractors.
T: [Devonshire accent] They didn't have tractors!
S: Ok, a horse then.
T: [Devonshire accent] They didn't have a horse. They ate horse!"
"It's a bit depressing, but we are saving, like, a tree here."
"Why did the revolution happen? Because there's a river next to the Winter Palace."
"A STROOONG RUSSIA!"
"S1: [Explains at length about Russian-Japanese War and how it related to 'Bloody Sunday'.]
T: [Screws up ball of paper.]
S2: Is that going in [Student One]'s mouth?
T: Yes. I'm gagging him."
"That's just going from one confusing word to another!"
"S1: ...those dockworkers-
T: You said that like you were there. Oh, those dockworkers, they were a nightmare! Shifty fellers.
S1: I can give you examples. John Prescott was a dockworker.
T: Are you saying all dockworkers are like John Prescott?
S1: Are there any dockworkers here?
S2: Yes.
T: [To S2.] You work there at weekends? Hello..."
"T: Who leads the St Petersburg Soviet?
S: The Tsar.
T: ...No. They loathed the Tsar.
*No one comes up with the right answer.*
KC: *Uses his hands to mime having Trotsky-glasses.*
T: Batman!"
"T: You love [Trotsky].
KC: No I don't.
T: You do.
KC: Oh, I admit it!
T: You want his babies.
KC: They would be Communist babies.
T: Yes. They would be freak babies. They would be miracle babies."
"They're not playing with their cucumbers, they're fighting."
"T: *Is swinging a long plastic ruler around.*
A: Do you play golf, sir?
T: No.
A: Then why are you swinging that [like a golf club]?
S: It looks more like baseball.
T: Yes, baseball. I'm actually pretending to cut someone's head off.
A: Would you like [KC] to come up, sir? To give a practical demonstration?
T: No, I like him really."
"Richard Pipes. Isn't it better to just call him Dick?"
"You can just imagine sitting there on the beach in Germany, with your sunglasses on, reading Mein Kampf, sunbathing..."
"It would be rather insensitive to get out Mein Kampf on the plane to Germany."
"T: It's pretty impressive, isn't it, that it takes point one three [seconds] for the ventricles to fill with blood?
S: It's ok. I could do better."
"S1: Danger, low voltage.
S2: [There'd be no point in having 'danger] low voltage'. It wouldn't kill you as much.
S1: It wouldn't kill you as much?"
"[On choosing students to act out a roleplay on Cystic Fibrosis.]
S: I vote Titch, 'cause he's got a big penis.
T: [Pause.] I think that is irrelevant."
"We'll start making up words, the examiners love that stuff."
"T: It's like having two gods.
S: The Romans had lots of gods.
T: Ok, two Gods with a big 'G'! [Draws a capital G on the board.] All right? Anyone else want to pick on me? Good. I'm glad I came in this morning."
"It's like Jesus, but Jesus who resigned."
"S1: Did he [Tsar Nicholas II] put it [his resignation] in the newspaper?
S2: Lonely hearts.
S1: Russia advertising for new Tsar."
"In-breeding does help, because you can use your webbed feet to swim."
"S1: I think one should put some bars there [across the window] to stop [Student 3, sat on windowsill] falling out.
S2: I think we should push him."
"S: Go to Ikaya.
T: Ikaya? Where's that? Did I tell you about my trip to Ikea?
S: No.
T: I was in charge of directions. We ended up in Wales."
"I would be willing to bet they won't ask you what you can eat for breakfast in Holland, even in this new exam format."
"S: [Explains his solutions to Russia's problems after the February Revolution.]
T: Whu?
S: Shut up, sir."
"T: Where are you going to exile [the Romanovs] to?
S: The sea."
"Listen to what [Student] would do [if placed in charge of Russia]. 'Pick up a Russian bird'."
"T: [Writing sideways up the board.] This is the way my mind works, by the way.
S: What, sideways? Vertical?"
"That's what [the Russian soldiers in WWI] were doing on the front, they were saying 'WE AIN'T BOVVERED!'."
"Young and trendy and old." ~A description of young Russian politicians given by the History teacher
"Everyone hates the right, except the right..."
"T: [Explains about September 1917.]
S: Oh, S and M!
[Pause.]
T: Oh, yes, hello, [headteacher]!"
"Kornilov is courted, chatted up, persuaded by the right..."
"...you aren't allowed to whip your soldiers any more. What do you mean? I like it!"
"What is there to understand? Kerensky sometimes dressed as a woman! I DON'T KNOW WHY!"
"T: Imagine the board is facing you.
S: It is facing us.
T: [Pause.] It might have its back to you.
S: But you're writing- well, I guess, you could be writing on its back.
T: Right, now let's not get bogged down in which way the board's facing."
"S1: That makes sense, actually. To me. Not to anyone else in the class.
T: Oh! You're wonderful.
S2: Yes, the other Plebians, the other Bolivians in the corner over there..."
"S: Sir, how much does the History photocopying budget...?
T: Shh, don't tell anyone.
S: We get at least two of these [sheets] every lesson.
T: Don't tell anyone. If I suddenly go missing... you'll know [the head of department] has found out."
"Sailors, not sailor. One sailor turns up, and he's like 'Yup...'."
"T: Coup d'état. Coup. Coup. D'état.
S: Just saying it won't help.
T: Keep saying it, [Teacher's first name]! they'll learn! Repetition, that's the way!"
"T: Right up the- [pauses, waves hand suggestively] -Bolshevik alley.
S: [Laugh.]
T: Note to self, stop doing hand movements."
"T: Trained in guns and streetfighting.
S: That's always a good combination."
"He was killed by an ice-pick, not with an ice-pick. It did it with a gun."
"T: Kronstadt sailors. With their ice-picks.
A: The ninjas."
"T: What's happening in Russia at the moment, in 1917?
S: Lots.
T: Great. Lots."
"Harry Potter, Freddie Mercury... Gandalf... that's some Central Committee."
"Give me my birthday present! Now! No, it's ten days. Now! Now! All right [back to the lesson]..."
"Get me some tea. We have no milk. Ok, black tea. Er, we have no tea. All right, boiling water! Er, about the water..." ~Roughly transcribed
"S: Did the Bolsheviks really steal all the tea?
T: No. No. They stole all the vodka."
S: Very poetic.
T: The moon. A group of children gathered around the fire. Sorry. As darkness fell, armed crowds of Bolshevik workers and soldiers spilled into the centre of the city. The government blockades on the bridge, which controlled the routes from the outlaying slums, were taken over by Red Guards.
S: Hardly a place for children gathered around a fire."
"T: Right. Ready? Send up the lantern! [Pause.] Give me the lantern. I don't have a lantern. Go get a lantern! Right, I've got a lantern. [Mimes getting stuck in a bog; in a high-pitched voice.] Help! I'm stuck! Help!
S: Have you turned into a small child?
T: Sorry. [In a deep, rough voice, imitating a gorilla.] Help! [Normal.] Right, I've got the lantern, ok, send it up. It's not red. Never mind, it'll do... this is supposed to be the most significant event of the twentieth century!"
"You know we didn't have any tea? We don't have a car."
"Things to do for revolution. One, a red lantern... Kerensky's list of things to escape. One, car. Two, disguise. Not dress, they'll know it's me."
"This is their big crusade, with their picnics, little knapsacks..."
"T: They start looting, like, you know...
S: Sandwiches?
T: Yeah!"
"S: You wouldn't want to be spanked by a Bolshevik.
T: No, not by one of those sailors."
"No, [KC]'s not a Communist, he's really a wishy-washy Capitalist who's pretending."
"...but I'm not sure he's alive yet."
"T: I got seven out of seven.
S: I got nine out of seven."
"CAR: [Beeps outside.]
S: Shut up, you peasant."
"A: Can you give me back my sheet?
T: Why?
A: Because you stole it!
T: Did I?
A: Yes!
T: There you go, nothing but professional."
"To what extent was Father Christmas responsible for the heightened..."
"T: What else do we know about Miliukov?
S1: He wrote that damn note.
S2: That damn note?
S1: That damn note!
S2: It affected you personally..."
"S1: He [Tony Blair] fooled us all in '97.
S2: He didn't fool us all in '97 because 'us all' weren't old enough to vote in '97.
S3: The only person who was old enough to vote in '97 was him [points at Teacher, who sticks his tongue out] so it's all his fault.
T: Hey! I'll have you know I didn't vote in '97 because I was already being hunted by debt collectors. As soon as you're on the electoral roll they'll have you!"
"T: Who did the People's Will look up to?
S: Taller people."
"T: What was in the October Manifesto?
S: Duma reform, more repression...
T: What? More repression? 'We're going to kill a lot more of you!'."
"S1: [S2], are you just making things up?
S2: Yes, and it works!"
"T: You're reading my mind.
S: No, I'm reading my notes."
"19012, that sounds more likely."
"T: However, on the exam, I don't think there will be a question asking if Rasputin was a good lover.
S: Yes, because he had a big wart."
"T: *Gets up and walks away from desk after Student 1 has asked a question.*
S1: *Shuffles papers.*
S2: She hasn't finished cross-examining you. Please return to the witness stand, [Teacher]."
"S1: *Is apparently trying to drag a chair under the table unnoticed.*
T: *Notices everyone watching S1 and breaks off midflow.* What are you doing?
S1: Oh-
T: *Burps.*
S1: You filthy peasant! Belching in front of the class!
T: *Looking ashamed.* Better that than in front of the parents."
"S: Appeased is a brilliant word.
T: Thankyou.
S: You've got the royal seal on that. It's a good word."
"Engage one's brain before activating one's pen-writing hand on paper facility."
"[Tsar Nicholas II] joined Winston Churchill. They had a baby."
"S1: Lenin's driving passion.
S2: Lenin's driving lesson."
"T: It's easy.
S1: It's all right for you to say that! You've done a degree in it!
T: ...all right. It's hard!
S2: You're going to fail!"
"S1: [On why he won't be at a revision class.] I live off that way. Miles.
S2: Walk! Run! Pedalo!"
"T: Right, I'm off now.
A: I'm going back to bed. *Turns to Toz.* Are you coming?
TOZ: [Too busy playing on Gameboy to be properly listening.] Yeah.
T: *Gives Ariel a weird look and leaves.*
A: That came out wrong!"
"Eiter[?]! Old! What does old mean? New?"
"T: [Turns off buzzing light.] Can everyone see all right?
S: [In a small voice.] It's dark in my corner."
"S1: We're gonna have banners with algebra on, so people know we're not thick.
T: With algebra on?
S2: That's just [Student 1]'s banner. The rest of them will say something like 'You bastard' on."
"[Long explanation of how to win civil rights.] ...and it's going to be funded by the sex industry."
"Cucumbers, courgettes, votes for women... let's do a bit of word association, shall we?"
"T: A house made of... [long pause]
S: Cheese.
T: I was going to say that, I was thinking of sun-dried tomatoes. No."
"Knit doughnuts? What a genius idea!"
"Those are the ingredients which will make 1945 to 1948 a time of cooking."
"They [the Masons]'re a bit like W.I. under cover."
"L: How does Julia die? Eating daffodils, because she's a weird woman. Making her death comical and lighthearted!
A: Should I put daffodils on her grave, or would that be a bit insensitive...?"
"A: Can you move slightly that way, please?
T: Yes! I can do anything you want me to!"
"S1: Filibuster's is a type of firework in Harry Potter.
T: Is it? A type of firework?
S1: Yes, in Harry Potter.
T2: It is.
T: Thankyou, [Teacher 2]. It's nice to have [Teacher 2] here to confirm that it's from Harry Potter.
T2: It's my area of expertise." ~Roughly remembered
"T: [Returning to front of class after trip to dustbin, passes T2.] You have small feet.
T2: Yes. I do.
T: What size are they?
T2: Size 7 or 8.
T: Mine are only size nine. Yours just look small.
S1: [Hangs under table to look at T2's feet.]
T2: Small shoes.
S2: Small socks, too.
T: Let's stop there and get back to writing, shall we?"
"Let me tell you something. Filibustering is a good word."
"T: I should get a cowboy hat to teach these lessons. And some guns. Anything else?
S1: A bible for your pocket.
T: And a bible. [Gets book from shelf in classroom.]
S2: And some spurs.
T: [Uses board markers as guns.]"
"[Looking for blank paper in box.] What's that doing here? There's an excerpt from Pipes in here. Pfft. [Spits on it.] Spit on him."
"[Giving an example of filibustering.] They can just talk about anything. I was born in 1970... then in 1971... I bought some jam yesterday. Raspberry. Seedless, but seedless is growing on me, I think. Let me read to you from my favourite book. Songs of innocence. The Bible." ~Roughly remembered
"Proletariat proletariat proletariat... it's like saying sex for an ordinary person. Sex sex sex!"
"They abolished censorship, so they all went out and bought loads of PORN!"
"Witte thinks the October Manifesto is so bloody good because he bloody wrote it."
"T: Here's a hint... *Tries to draw a ship on the board.*
A: The Russo-Japanese war.
NARI/ELLIE: It looks like a duck!
T: Russ-Japanese war, yes.
N: It looks like a duck with a flag.
T: A duck? *backs away slowly from the board.* Yes, it does.
N: Thankyou.
T: *Goes to board to turn it into a duck.* Has a duck got four little paddles?"
"I'm sure that the battleship Potemkin Duck will not come under..."
"[Mr Pascoe] wants an ice cream, so no one goes until [Mr Pascoe] gets his ice cream."
'DIGGING DEEP WITH A SHOVEL' paragraph
[Doodled picture of Ariel] Ariel (the cripple) needs a scribe
Scribey scribe
a fat bastard who's eaten one too many hamburgers, as opposed to [Teacher's] "perfectly chiselled torso"
write a fucking plan & buy a thingy book from him.
WARNING: 'Big Phil' is a dirty northerner
"S: [Small voice.] I didn't recognise your voice.
T: Aww. You just want to give him a hug. Except that would be illegal."
S: It's a straitjacket. In the History room.
T: What is it?
T: A straitjacket.
T: Oh! So that's where I left it!"
"Where's [Mr Pascoe]? We need his expert Tesco's knowledge!"How To Not Pay Attention In School
"Joe loves Hilary." ~Myself
"JAMIE: Lyndsey loves everyone except Kai.
ME: Mm, Ray's nice. And Maxie. And Tyson.
JAMIE: Ok, Lyndsey loves everyone that isn't in the Bladebreakers. >:P
ME: Tala's cute.
JAMIE: And Tala.
ME: Er, I love Ian's nose, it's so sexy. XD"
"ICE WENT UP MY NOSE!" ~Me
"You love a dustbin!" ~Joe to myself
"ME: Joe loves Hilary.
JOE: Who's Hilary?
JAMIE: You don't remember Hilary??
JOE: No, who is she?
ME: Oh, she's really nice and friendly, she matches you perfectly.
JOE: ((A few moments later)) Oh, that Hilary. That Hilary...? YOU ARE SICK!"
"ME: I think Joe would look good with Maria.
J&J: Who's Maria?
ME: I'll give you three guesses. Here are the clues - she's called Maria, she's blue, and she likes big people."
"JAMIE: ((later)) Do you mean Mariah or Miriam?
ME: They aren't BLUE!"
"ME: Why don't you like Mariah anyway?
JAMIE: She has pink hair.
ME: Yeah? Well you have BROWN hair!
JAMIE: So do you."
"*Advancing on Jamie with a piece of bread* Cowboy showdown..." ~Myself
"Oh crap, I'm out of ammo!" ~Myself on running out of chips to throw at Jamie
"Oi, don't take my chips!" ~Joe, on what should be obvious
"AUNT: ((to cousin 1, henceforth known as Ben)) So, what have you been doing with Mrs. Smith?
ME + COUSIN 2 ((henceforth known as Sam)) *Break into fits of laughter at the dirty thoughts.*"
Random "episodes" between Sam and Brother, Sam as Duffman and brother as Superman. Plenty of brother hurling himself along the trampoline crying "SUPERMAN!", and at some points 'Duffman' using this in a sentence such as "If you want to see the next episode, go to www.-" "SUPERMAN!" ".com." etc.
"JAMIE: Professor Flitwick could be a part of the midget club!
ME: Yeah! With Ian, Jim, Kevin and Joseph!
JAMIE: Yeah! Professor Flitwick gets there early to clean up the club.
"DAD: That sounds like something from a children's book. 'Professor Flitwick gets there early to clean up the club.' *Poses as Professor Flitwick pointing a wand at something.* 'Professor McGonagall sweeps the floor.' *Mimes sweeping the floor.*
M: Professor Snape takes five million points from Gryffindor.
D: *Poses with one finger pointed out in front of him and an angry expression on his face.*
JA: Professor Hagrid walks around breaking everything.
D: *Poses for whatever strange reason in the stereotypical monkey position - arms curved to reach armpits.*"
"*Watching Toy Story 2.*
ANDY'S MUM: No toy lasts forever.
JOE: Some do. Like a brick!"
"*Watching Thomas the Tank Engine.*
GORDON: Percy! What are you doing here?
DAD: I'm a train, I'm stuck to the bloody rails."
"((Whilst watching Beyblade, trying to get J&J to watch.)) It has Kai and Tala in! ...it has Max in!... it has Boris in! ...it has Pikachu in! .....it has Bart Simpson in! ......it has Ray rejoining the BBA! ....it has Tyson and Ray talking! ...It has a soda machine! COME ON, I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO!" ~Me
The art of cherry stone spitting - stand on a speeed bump, move from normal standing position to squatting three times, whilst chanting 'Wheee!' in a high-pitched voice."
"Really? You're fishing for fish? I thought you were fishing for bears." ~Me
"The funeral song!" ~Joe
"Dear diary, today I was attacked by fish holding knives..." ~Me as Jamie
"JAMIE: Lettuce! No, I mean, cucumber!
ME: ...how can you confuse a lettuce with a cucumber?"
"ME: I'm going to Bath tomorrow.
JAMIE: To a bar?
M: No, to Bath.
JA: To a bath?"
"Scooter peasants!" ~Me
"*Tips a bottle of coca-cola over. To me and Jamie:* Hey, you spilt my coke!" ~Joe
"COUSIN 3 (henceforth known as Nathan): Please do not feed the dead man.
ME: 'Please do not feed the dead man'? That's a bit of a stupid sign, if you don't mind me saying."
"My nose is not hungry!" ~Sam
"JAMIE: [trying not to go to bed] But I'm still writing a Christmas card to Santa!
DAD: Santa?
JAMIE: ...er, yeah! He's in my class.
DAD: What's his last name?
JAMIE: Um... *looks at Joe, who is writing a card to someone whose last name is box*... Box.
DAD: Santa Box? What's his middle name?
ME: Scardboard.
JAMIE: Santa Scardboard Box."
"I've got this huge chocolate Father Christmas stuck to my braces." ~Me
"ME: [Playing Uno Extreme] I hate these new-fangled Uno games.
JAMIE: [Mishearing "new-fangled Uno games"] 'Fangledoodles?'?"
"Amazing, isn't it? Technology. How long before that goes wrong?" ~Uncle
"I feel like a poodle in this coat." ~Me (on new coat from parents for Christmas, which has fur around the hems)
"He probably thought you were a poodle." ~Jamie (when a dog ran up to me on a walk)
"Well, we have to take the poodle for a walk every day." ~Dad (to me, on a walk)
"Well, I loved Lily. But then she went off with your father. So I fell in love with Snape. I asked him out, and he said yes." -Self as Lupin [talking to Harry after the Boggart lesson]
"I secretly love Lupin. He's my secret husband." -Self as Snape
"JOE: [As Harry, when found with map in corridor by Snape and being asked what he's doing] Nothing, what are YOU doing out in the corridors?
SELF: [As Snape] I'm looking for my secret husband."
"SELF: [As Lupin, in corridor, to Snape] Now, come back to my room.
JOE: [As Lupin] And we'll get biz-ay!"
"JOE: Then Harry looks out of the window- and- sees- [bursts into laughter]
SELF: Go on. Wait - does it involve Lupin and Snape?
JOE: [Nods, still laughing]
OTHER BROTHER: I know what we was going to say. He was going to say, "and sees Lupin and Snape getting biz-ay"."
"Crazy Gary Oldman! Sirius! I love you!" -Self as Lupin
"All of the Marauders were secretly in love with each other." -Self
"Sirius! My other secret husband!" -Self as Snape
"Peter! My other secret husband!" -Self as Lupin
"Hey, I feel left out... Lupin, I love you!" -Self as Ron
"Oh no! All this time I've been kissing a werewolf!" -Other brother as Snape [when Lupin transforms]
"That looks so wrong. Look, Snape's grabbing Lupin, and Lupin's like, 'Oh, YES!'." -Self on scene of that nature [is actually Sirius, trying to stop Lupin from transforming into a werewolf] <-I now have a screencap of the scene in question, though the angle's too close and not quite right! Go me!
"Bovine TV can be stopped by badgers?" ~Genki-chan and myself mishearing the news
"JAMIE: Ohh, your bed is so comfy, I-
SELF: NO YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN IT."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to steal your spoon... I'd have given you another but it was much more fun to watch you try and sniff the ice cream up through that wafer." ~Cousin
"SELF: [After seeing two CA Dane puppies on Dogz 5 which had a pair of floppy ears and a pair of pointy ears; AKA, four ears.] Aww, look! He has two ears!
JAMIE: And...?
SELF: What?
JAMIE: Most people have two ears."
"Who'd have thought it? He kept most of his vital organs in his hat." ~Self
"Oh, great, I'm trapped in a bathroom with President Lincoln." ~Self
"[Toz leans out of her second-storey window, trying to talk to dad about a newspaper article.]
DAD: [From seat in garden] I can see right up your nose from here.
TOZ: Well, I can see the top of your head, and it has no hair.
DAD: Oh, sure, let's all make fun of dad because he's bald.
TOZ: Oh, sure, let's all make fun of Toz because she has a nose."
"DAD: *Walks into the office, where Toz is on the computer.* Are you eating in my office?
TOZ: *Blatantly holding soup and eating bread dipped in said liquidacious food.* No.
DAD: Well, that's alright then."
"AHHHHHHHHHHH..." ~Toz and Meow-chan playing Summer -Speedy- (ITG2) with all the mods on at a high speed
"This doesn't count because I put it on the wrong setting ah what the what's going on look it jumped there this doesn't count I get to start again." ~Toz
"Ahhhh ha ha OUCH hahahahaha..." ~Meow-chan
"JOE: [On a message after a show saying one of the contestants had died.] What did that say? All the contestants died in a motorcycle accident?
TOZ: Yeah, all eight contestants died in a COMPLETELY INNOCENT motorcycle accident that WASN'T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL."
"[Watching an episode of Pok�mon ('A Chansey Operation').]
JAMIE: Why doesn't he just throw the syringe at the Dodrio?
TOZ: Ok, now, for this injection I'm just going to throw the syringe at you and hope it lands in the right vein - stay still...
JAMIE: Oh, by the way, here are my scores at darts. I'm usually last, but hey, maybe I'll get lucky!
TOZ: And to follow this up I will shoot you in the head to remove your brain tumour.
JAMIE: *Demonstrates this with an imaginary machine gun.*
TOZ: But I only came to have a baby!
JAMIE: Meanwhile, somewhere else... where has that baby gone? We'll have to check the patient's digestive tract to make sure it hasn't escaped."
"Ahahwibawibbbawibhaobawib." ~Jamie (mimicking James's laugh in the next episode of Pok�mon)
"Did I have a penguin in my pocket when I walked into the room just now?" ~Me
"TOZ: I have the Nathaniel and Marlesse song stuck in my head.
JAMIE: How does it go?
TOZ: Nathaniel and Marlesse, Nathaniel and Marlesse, Nathaniel and Marlesse...
JAMIE: Nathaniel and Poisonfruit, Nathaniel and Poisonfruit, Nathaniel and Poisonfruit..." ((Resulted in a discussion of who could have which pairing.))
"Natharrniel? That's not how you pronounce it. Kids don't call their parents Marrrmy and Darrrdy, do they?" ~Dad [on Toz trying to say 'Nathaniel and Marlesse' through a mouth of toffee chocolate eclair]
"You stupid Bob." ~Toz
"THE HANDCUFFS!" ~Jamie [when asked what his favourite line in the Doctor Who episode 'Boom Town' was]
"The handcuffs... OF DOOM!" ~Jamie
"Arrgh, I've got an eye in my eye socket!" ~Jamie
"*Toz is searching for an mp3 of 'Rule Britannia' with Jamie.*
TOZ: Ah ha, this looks promising!
*A chorus of schoolkids begins singing something which is definitely not 'Rule Britannia'.*
"Broken alarm clocks for sale, very cheap... anyone want to buy this unused diary from 2004?" ~Toz
"What can I do with this box of paper?" ~Toz
"TOZ: What can I do with this box of water?
MUM: Put your head in it.
DAD: She's struggling, life's getting on top of her."
"What can I do with this box of air? Free prize, box of air, box not included." ~Toz
"MUM: You can use it [2004 diary] again in six years.
TOZ: Exactly. That's why I didn't throw it on the fire.
DAD: She knew she could find some sucker to say 'Oh, it'll be useful again in six or seven years!'."
"TOZ: Will you help me dry this box?
DAD: *Turns away to get some kitchen roll.*
TOZ: No, then.
DAD: *Gives Toz the kitchen roll to dry the box with.*
TOZ: *Pauses, and then blows her nose on the kitchen roll.*
DAD: You did that deliberately!"
"10 bits of carrot, on my plate. 10 bits of carrot, on my plate. If one of those bits of carrot should purposefully be eaten, there'll be 9 bits of carrot, on my plate...[et cetera]" ~Toz
"Ooh ooh and AHHHMYKNEE!" ~Toz
"I'm talking to a lightbulb. I'm going mad." ~Dad
"Tawdry Audrey." ~Toz and Meow-chan
"Oh no, I'm in pain. Oh no, I'm on fire. Oh no, I've been body slammed. Oh no, I've been punched. Oh no, I've been crab hammered. Oh no, I've been frozen." ~Toz (unenthusiastically playing along with Joe and Nick's Pok�mon game, which involves them killing her in various ways)
Upon coming across what appeared to be a pet graveyard, various uncles began to say it was haunted.
"I thought we should leave something hanging off the trees to show we'd been here [the graves, as there were windchimes on the surrounding trees], but I could only find Nick." ~Sarah
"This is a very even walk, perfect for puschairs." ~Aunt (who had been assured she could bring a pushchair on the walk, said as we walked along a forest floor covered in roots springing up unexpectedly)
"Keep out of the way, I'm trying to get run over." ~Jamie
"After losing Sue.
U1: The last I saw of Sue she was fiddling around with those flowers on the grave. Then it suddenly went dark and started to rain, thunder and lightning, and she vanished!
U2: And there was a full moon!
U1: Yes, there was definitely a full moon! I recall that distinctly."
"What I don't understand is how people walking together can lose each other." ~Sarah
"It's Place Park! Not the jungle! How did we manage to get lost?" ~Sarah
"[Toz is demonstrating her superb crapness at SSX Tricky. Marty hurtles off a cliff and lands amongst some rocks.]
TOZ&JAM: Marty died a horrible, tragic death...
[Toz bursts into scary, hysterical laughter.]
JOE: ...are you crying?
TOZ: No. It sounds like I'm deep in the throes of agony and mourning but actually I'm laughing."
"Welcome to SSX Tricky. I hope you're wearing clothes... because playing nude is a bit dirty." ~Toz
"TOZ: *Leaves a few peas on her plate.*
MUM: *Goes off on a huge rant about when SHE was young...* We ate anything our mother put in front of us-
JAMIE: Even a pillow?
MUM: Not a pillow.
JAMIE: But you said you'd eat anything she put in front of you!
MUM: She never cooked a pillow!
JAMIE: But if she did!
MUM: Why would she ever cook a pillow?
JAMIE: But say she DID."
"TOZ: [Explains about a dream she had where she pretended to be a bell boy to sneak onto the Titanic.]
JAM: [Paraphrasing QI, complete with arm movements.] She diguised herself as a man to sneak onto the Titanic!"
"[To the tune of 'Archie the Inventor' (?) from 'Balamory' (?).]
TOZ/JAM: I'm the Doctor, I travel, with Rose and Captain Jack~♪"
"MUM: This is a really pointless fence.
TOZ: Why?
MUM: Well, it has a gap at each end.
TOZ: Maybe it's for fat sheep.
...JAM: Yeah, but look, it stops here!
TOZ: A really fat sheep."
"TOZ: The room at the end [in Castle Drogo - the room dedicated to Drewe's son] is Marlesse's room.
JAM: What, filled with war stuff?
TOZ: ...yes. Which is why it's so strange for Nathaniel to wake up there. 'Murr- where the hell am I?' And Marlesse is sharpening a knife.
JAM: On one of those stone things where you push the pedal, yeah.
TOZ: 'What are you doing?' 'Oh, nothing, dear...'
JAM: And a gun, and a spear.
TOZ: Even more confusing is that they've never met before, so I don't know why I said 'dear'.
JAM: 'Where am I? What are you doing?' 'Oh, nothing, dear...' 'Whu- what?' 'I mean, eh-heh...'"
"DAD: I don't want to be greedy, but I'll have another doughnut.
MUM: "I don't want to be greedy but I'll have another doughnut"? What definition of "greedy" are you using?"
"[Toz, Joe and Jam are watching a cooking programme.]
PROGRAMME: And now put this [thin layer of chocolate on a glass slab] in the fridge...
TOZ: He's making a black cherry gateaux. That chocolate's magically going to turn into a large cake, is it?
JAM: Yes. "Now I put this chocolate into the fridge, and ta-da, it becomes a sponge cake!".
PROGRAMME: *Shows progression of a day or so.*
JAM: Just cooling it...
PROGRAMME: *Removes a large sponge cake from the fridge.*
[Toz and her pancakes are silent for a moment or so before commenting on this.]"
"JAM: He's going to say "Come here, little girl".
MAN ON TV PROGRAMME PRETENDING COTTINGLY FAIRIES WERE REAL AND NOT PROVED TO BE FAKES: Come here.
TOZ&JAM: ...little girl."
"TPPCFWRANPTBF: *Man gives Frances - or was it Elsie? - a fruit, after Toz and her Pancakes have been insinuating for the past five minutes that the man has been trying to kill her.*
TOZ: It's poisoned! It's poison fruit!
[Pause.]
TOZ: AhahahahahaI'msosorryIdidntrealiseuntilIsaidit."
"TOZ: *Is trying to remove a huge stack of A3 paper from a high shelf while carrying her walkman and two CD cases.* Arrgh! Not enough hands, not enough hands, not enough hands!
DAD: What's that?
TOZ: I don't have enough hands. I said it three times.
DAD: *As if it should be obvious.* Well, grow another one!"
"Defeated by my one known enemy - the monkeywithabanana!" ~Toz
"JOE: [As Lego-Jonny-Thunder-Dee-octor-Woohoo.] You see, I left my T.A.R.D.I.S. in another time dimension.
TOZ: [As model-dalek-who-is-female.] Then how did you get back?
JOE: I walked.
TOZ: You walked between dimensions?
JOE: Yes, can't you? Stupid dalek, stupid dalek~♪"
"Dalek is so lonely, he has nobody~♪" ~Joe Pancakes
"JOE: [Watching GoF.] Voldemort has no nose.
TOZ: How does he smell? Terrible. Ahahaha. Sorry."
"JAM: [As Poirot.] Not today, Hastings, I have better things to do. Like sleep. [Mimes falling into his plate of food.]
TOZ: [As Hastings.] My, Poirot, that's awfully rude of you!
JAM: [Snores.]"
"JAM: [Describing Poirot in the above scene.]He has scruffy clothes, and messy hair...
TOZ: And no moustache, and is thin, and it's not his apartment, and he has brown eyes- [As Hastings] Wait a minute! You're not Poirot at all!"
"*Toz has her head phones on and so cannot hear the lunch bell.*
DAD: *Walks in and pauses for a moment staring at Toz, who stares back.* Ding a ling a ling a ling."
"Eat your plague chicken, boy." ~Toz
"MUM: *Reading 'Top Tips' in a magazine.* If you have run out of toilet cleaner, just use a cup of bubble bath!
DAD: *Making fun of TT.* If you have run out of shampoo, keep your hair fresh and clean using toilet cleaner!"
"If you're out of milk, don't panic! Use lemonade instead!"
"AUNT: *Pointing at Toz and talking to her baby grandson.* Who's that, Ruben?
RUBEN: *Points at Toz.* Ben!"
(Please note that, as the general consensus of how to spell 'Ruben' is "not the way Toz does", I'm just spelling it like this. Unless you'd prefer his nickname, Rooster.)
"NICK: Kiss Rose, Ruben.
RUBEN: *Kisses Doctor-Who-Rose model.* Mua!"
"DAD: If you've eaten all your tea and you're still hungry, don't panic! Pinch the tea of the person next to you!
TOZ: Eat your family members and your loved ones."
"If you fall out of an aeroplane three miles up with no parachute, don't panic! Curl up into a ball and bounce!"
"Actually, they'd say 'If you fall out of an aeroplane three miles up, don't panic! Just aim for something soft!'"
"If you lose your leg in a horrible accident, don't panic! Learn to hop!"
"PANCAKES: Beta the shiny dalek, had a very shiny eye-stalk, and if you ever saw it-♪
TOZ: YOU WOULD BE EX-TER-MIN-ATED~♪"
"Cyberman the shiny cyberman, had a very shiny cyberman helmet~♪" ~Jam
"There was a little water flea, his name was Jeremy, another was killed by Lyndsey, that's the end of this story~♪" ~Jam
"CLAIRE: Ruben, is Joe stupid?
RUBEN: Yeah.
CLAIRE: Is Lyndsey stupid?
RUBEN: Yeah.
CLAIRE: Am I stupid?
RUBEN: Yeah.
CLAIRE: Is everyone stupid?
RUBEN: Yeah.
CLAIRE: Are you just going to say 'yeah' to all my questions?
RUBEN: Ok!"
"WAITER: [Takes orders for drinks before meal.]
RUBEN: [Shouts cheerfully from his highchair.] Beer! Beer!"
"TOZ: [Joe]'s going to explode! 10.. 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0!
JOE: *Mimes exploding.*
TOZ: You call that an explosion?"
"TOZ: I think there's too much sugar in that sugar-free coke.
DAD: If the sugar's free no wonder they put so much in."
"TOZ: *Cunningly tries to serve mum Toffee-Chocolate ice cream rather than mango sorbet. Opens tub to find frozen chilli.* Mmm. Yum.
JAM: *Looks at it and gives a doubtful thumbs up.*
TOZ: *Goes to put it away.*
...JAM: No, you should give it to her!
TOZ: *Having already tried serving Mum an entire block of Neopolitan ice cream still in its box.* No, that would be pushing it too far."
"JAM: *Handing bowl of mango sorbet to Mum.* Your ice-cream, madame.
TOZ: It's sorbet.
JAM: Fine. Your sorbet, madame.
TOZ: *Slaps Jam's cheek gently in punishment for bad waiter-ing.*
JAM: Eep! *Backs away.*
TOZ: What sort of a waiter are you?
JAM: *Dives for cover on the sofa, whimpering.*"
"DAD: [On why he dislikes blacmange.] It looks like blancmange, tastes like blancmange-
JAM: But, it's a breakfast cereal!"
"Go, wellies of doom! Kill!"
"T: Excuse me, sir, do you have any blunt instruments?
J: [Hands Toz a trowel.] Er, well, this is blunt.
T: That's not blunt, it's the opposite of blunt, it's sharp! [turns the trowel upside-down and holds out the handle.] This is blunt!
J: Ok, would you like this? [Picks up small, cosh-shaped sack.] It's a classic blunt instrument, you just use it like this... [Hits Toz with it.]
T: [Pretends to die.]
J: Oh. Well, if you're going to die can I at least take your heart? [Advances on Toz with a sharp gardening tool.]
T: [Puts hands behind head and whistles cheerfully.]
J: [Mimes disembowelling/de-hearting her.]
"T: Do you have any pokers?
JOE (SQUIDGY): Poker.
T&SQ: Poker poker poker poker~♪
J: No.
SQ: Poke. [Pokes Toz.]
T: No, not a poker, a poker.
SQ: ...Poke."
"T: Do you have a poker?
SQ: [Pause.] I have a gun! [Brandishes hose nozzle at Toz.]"
"This is a poker." ~Jam on a sharp gardening fangledoodle
"This is a poker which can go around corners." ~Jam on a pair of secateurs
"This is a handheld poker that can go around corners." ~Jam on a right-angled blade gardening thingummy
"J: [On Toaster knows what on earth it was, some hybrid of a hoe, a rake, a sickle and a broom.] This-
T: Is that a large handheld floor-sweeping poker which can go around corners, by any chance?
J: How did you know?"
"T: [Pointing at sack.] Is this a poker?
J: No.
T: [Pointing at pointy trowel forky doodah.] Is this a poker?
J: No.
T: [Pointing at Squidgy.] Is this a poker?
SQ: Yes.
T: Excellent, then I'll use you to hit him. [Picks up Squidgy and hits Jam with him.]"
"T: The Art of Poker.
J: No, poking. Pokiiing. Grammar is also a part of it."
"J: Eat my finger, fishies.
T: [Laughs.]
J: What?
T: It amused me the way you said that.
J: What, eat my fishy-
T: Eat my fishy, fingers!"
"T: What are those forky things?
J: Forky things?
T: Like twowels- twowels?
J: Twowels.
T: No, like trowels but pointy.
J: [Pause.] Pointy trowels?
T: [Laughs, then says flatly:] No.
J: Ha ha ha ha no. No, I'm sitting in a tree. Is that a spot of rain, Alan?"
"Is that a spot of rain I just felt, Martin?"
"I waise my wepa-gess-yoo!
"Grievous Bodily Harm in the Dark."
"J: *Talking about his chosen Governer's Daughter on Pirates!.* She's been stuck at sea so long-
L: She's simply gona bananas!"
"J: *Crew is mutinous.* I know what'll cheer you up, men.
L: Slaughter!"
"Police! Police! Someone tried to mummify me while I was still alive!" ~Squidgy
"Sam and Ella caught salmonella when eating Ella's salmon in Sam's cellar." ~Toz
Members:
Kevin (Beyblade)
Ian (Beyblade)
Joseph (Beyblade)
Jim (Beyblade)
Daichi (Beyblade)
Professor Flitwick (Beyblade Harry Potter)
Yoda (Star Wars)
*Unusually, Kai is expressing an emotion - shock.*
Max: *Curiously* What's up with him?
Tyson: *Snickering* He was swamped in Valentines from his rabid fangirls today.
Max: *Laughs*
Chief: Come on, we're meant to be commenting on this version!
Tyson: Ok, ok... well, it's alright. This page is a bit... pink.
Max: I don't have anything to add to that!
Kai: *Can't speak through all the letters*
Ray: *Too busy laughing at Kai to notice his turn, until an entire bag of letters arrives, all addressed to him.*
Tyson: How come they get Valentines and we don't?
Chief: Best leave that question unanswered...
Tyson: What do you mean by that???
Dizzi: He means you're unpopular with the girls, Tyson.
Tyson: Great, now a bitbeast trapped in a computer is lecturing me on relationships...
Dizzi: No, I'm just answering your question. Don't get mad at me.
Tyson: *Grumpily* How come Kai gets Valentines anyway? Why is the angry loner with severe personality flaws so great?
Webmistress: Do you mind? This is starting to eat up my webspace. Go and discuss your love lives somewhere else.
Either a source of solace for Toz, or proof that Kinz can argue much more strongly than Toz (who is a milquetoast). All Toz has going for her is that she doesn't get distracted by Rusty the homosexual.
KINZ: Aaand? >D
TOZ: And I'd much rather write James/Remus. ^-^
KINZ: Look, half of your brain resents it, the other half wants to win you around because it's virtually canon anyway. Give iiiin. Give in to Lurpak.
TOZ: What happened to Remus/Tonks?
KINZ: That was JKR's little joke. She sunk my scrabbleship.
TOZ: xDD
TOZ: What about Sirius dying?
TOZ: James/Remus is also practically canon. Have you noticed that they always pause before saying his name? "And... James." They're remembering him fondly. And they're also very mad and distraught that he's dead. Win!
KINZ: Wait, hang on, why are you coming up with all the canon events in the nineties in the book? Weren't we talki- What about Sirius dying? What about James dying?
TOZ: Must I perform an in-depth analysis of OotP? James supports necrophilia. Sirius doesn't.
KINZ: Yes he does.
KINZ: Or he did. xD
TOZ: Ah, but that's not canon! I remember no part in which JKR wrote "Remus, I love you, I also support necrophilia" as Sirius.
KINZ: Or the part reflecting upon James's discussion of his fetishes.
KINZ: Rusty is a homosexual.
TOZ: But we don't know it didn't not happen. James could have discussed them before dying. Who is Rusty?
KINZ: http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~kurisuto/rusty/rusty.html This is his story.
KINZ: But so could Sirius!
KINZ: All those nights he and Remus spent in 12 Grimmauld Place! The opportunities for Sirius to say 'Oh Moony, if anything were to happen to me in the Department of Mysteries or anywhere else, I fully condone necrophilia!' were boundless.
TOZ: You're missing one vital point; his body is not readily available, being hidden behind a curtain. The only obstacle between Remus and James is six feet of earth.
KINZ: Six Feet Under, a Remus/James fic.
TOZ: Don't mock me just because Remus/DeadJames fics sound unromantic.
KINZ: Remus/DeadAnyone fics sounds unromantic. Doesn't mean they always are.
TOZ: Therefore, Remus/DeadSirius fics are also unromantic. Therefore, they are not desirable to write about.
KINZ: Well, yes, but it's better to write fics in a timeframe before things went, you know, wrong in a concrete and final sort of manner. Hence Marauderfic - I indulge my Remus/Sirius obsession and you put in enough Remus/James hints to make it interesting. xD
TOZ: Do I? I hadn't noticed. I must do it subconsciously.
TOZ: Well, except them being found under mistletoe by Lily, which I didn't actually write about so it doesn't count.
KINZ: Eh, probably. But if you haven't done so yet, you shall start.
TOZ: Alrighty.
TOZ: Or can I just write blatantly James/Remus scenes?
KINZ: If you like. :3 But then..what do we do about Lily?
TOZ: ...damn.
TOZ: I think I just lost the which-is-more-canon argument.
TOZ: Unless James was just USING Remus until Lily finally accepted him, leaving Remus heartbroken.
KINZ: Or which is less canon. xD
KINZ: And caused him to turn to Sirius for comfort.
KINZ: Sorry, couldn't resist. xD
TOZ: I was going to type that myself, actually, but decided to leave it to you. xD
KINZ: You know me so well.
KINZ: Have ye played Sims 2 any more?me. I'm not conceited, just don't get out much Kinz, because she threatens me if I don't put everything she says on here:
"That's more pessimistic paranoic schizophrenia." ~Myself, when told a doodle of myself I had by my mirror was depressing
"Copyogs." ~Nari on an advert for milkshake
"Hi ho. What's down in Groovetown, yo?" ~Myself
"I have more poop knowledge than you!" ~Kinz (typo [typo later became "typoo" because of this] of 'pop')
No quote here, but insert random wars between muffins and cookies me and Kinz have held.
"Well, it's... whoogly. Yes, that'll do. And the whoogly thing goes 'ba da ba ba'." ~Myself to Kinz, on the original version of 'I'm A Believer'
"Sympathy tastes of cookies and muffins." ~Kinz (who then added "*eats sympathy*")
"TOZ: Do you love this sausage?
NARI: Yes.
TOZ: Will you ever hate it?
NARI: No.
TOZ: Will you marry it?
NARI: Yes.
TOZ: Do you, Nari, take this sausage to be your lawful wedded husband?
NARI: No.
TOZ: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THE POOR SAUSAGE???"
"Remove my sanity. Eat my sanity." ~Kinz when asked if she wished to be removed from this page
"TOZ: I can spell hallelujah.
KINZ: Hallelujah!"
"TOZ: 
TOZ: 
TOZ: 
KINZ: 
SHEEP ATTACKERS!" ~Slightly ruined by smelly MSN emoticons not showing up
"Wound up as a yo yo in a hamster wheel!" ~Kinz
"I'm as a happy as a fish at the end of the universe!" ~Kinz when being granted her request of putting previous quote on this page
"I'm as random as a muffin in a washing machine." ~Kinz when being told the previous quote was also going on here
"Pogs smell of turds, turds smell of pogs, we're a happy fa-mi-pog." ~Kinz
"DOG-DOO!!!! Hehehehehe-ack! *cough splutter choke* -wheee!" ~Kinz
"KINZ: 12 please. Or my evil wing-ed muffins will devour you with much slime and pain.
KINZ: Or my evil wing-ed muffins will devour you with much slime and pain.
KINZ: Or my evil wing-ed muffins will devour you with much slime and pain.
KINZ: Or my evil wing-ed muffins will devour you with much slime and pain...?" ~When asking for more of her quotes to be put on this page
"TOZ: I wrote a muffin song.
KINZ:Sing it! Sing it!
TOZ: I like muffins
I like muffins
Muffins are good
I like muffins
I like muffins
Give me a muffin
I like muffins
Muffins are good
I like muffins
I like muffins
Give me a muffin or two
I like muffins
Muffins are good
I like muffins
I like muffins
Give me all your muffins
KINZ: And you wrote it for me.
TOZ: Only if you give me a cookie.
KINZ: *gives you a crate of specially-made-for-Toz cookies*
TOZ: *Gives rights to the song and an electronic muffin and a happy muffin.*
TOZ: *Eats the cookies.*
KINZ: *merges muffins to make an electronic happy muffin*"
No specific quote, but after I started with 'RAT' (random attacking thing) Kinz and myself will occasionally resort to "*pokes Toz/Kinz with a RAT*".
After my observation that KK (okay) looks like a pregnant hammerhead shark if you look at it the right way, that is sometimes used in place of said abbreviation.
"How about PHS? No, that sounds too much like PMS..." ~Kinz, trying to find an abbreviation for pregnant hammerhead shark
"*Snogs your memory.*" ~Sarah
"KINZ: Give me a new topic. o_O
TOZ: Ghosts.
KINZ: No. Something else?
TOZ: Yowwypoops.
TOZ: *yowwypops
KINZ: YOWWYPOOPS! It gets better x3"
"*gets bored and combines our screennames*
'When I get bored, I tend to work.'
'I'm too busy to eat people.'" ~Kinz (my screenname was 'Skeptical Jester, with the quote... "I'm too busy to work"', and hers was 'When I get bored, I tend to eat people.')
"MISS BISHIE: hi
TOZ: Is da Miss Bishie, yo! XD
MISS BISHIE: translation?"
"TOZ: *Hangs sign on MSN door saying, "Gone revisin' "*
KINZ: *Hangs sign on MSN door saying, "As if"*"
"My furby is staring at something invisible on the floor. It's starting to scare me." ~Myself
"TOZ: Seriously, though. My furby is freaky. It's just... staring... like this... O_O
KINZ: Eat it.
TOZ: LLMPO!!
KINZ: Laughing Larger my pogs off?
TOZ: Er. No. It's a typoo." That was followed by me trying to remember the Simpsons quote about B.Y.O.B.B in 'Lisa the Vegetarian', and Kinz added, "LOL. yeshie. After that comes, #you don't win friends with sal-ad, you don't win friends with sal-ad...#".
"TOZ: Save me from the furby.
KINZ: *gets out mega-evil purple zappy scary thinginator and zaps Furby into oblivion* Errr. You wouldn't be wanting that back anytime soon, would ye?"
"Cats have feline canines." ~Myself
"*runs to cupboard* But the cupboard is bare! Why oh why, is the food not there? Our precious food which we need so much - has disappeared in a cloud of muck!" ~Kinz
"KINZ: THE CAT FARTED AND IT SMELLS LIKE HELL!!!
TOZ: LMPO *Collapses onto the keyboard and drools with laughter*ghbv
KINZ: YOU WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING IF YOU WERE HERE!!!"
"Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored *starts typing bored to the Beatles song she's currently listening to* borrred borr ee dd boor ed boor ed boo r ed ob obbbo red... bored bored booooored. 
Gar! * emoticon gnashes boredom to death but boredom is invincible*" ~Myself ((incidentally, the song was 'Love Me Do' and yes, I was REALLY bored. And typed the first boreds myself, not copy and pasting.))
"KINZ: Care to donate to the "Save Tarika" fund?
TOZ: I thought you liked Tarika being baby?
KINZ: I do. It's for her Sneezles.
TOZ: Ah! I see! ...no. I'm a miser.
TOZ: >:)
KINZ: Rot in hell, you evil person.
KINZ: A pox on thee, thou curs-ed person!"
"I have NO idea what that meant. :D" ~Myself
"KINZ: ((on her restocking profits)) 36,329 neopoints. In four days. XD
TOZ: O_O
TOZ: *Puts on ninja outfit and sneaks suspiciously around Kinz's Neopets account*
KINZ: *Puts on pink rabbit suit and does the Happy Peanut dance.*
"I'm assuming several piles of virtual cookies will not solve this problem?" ~Me
"TOZ: I'll just shut up, shall I?
KINZ: No, shut up."
"I LOVE THE CHOCOLATE!" ~Kinz
"Some cheese off my pizza attacked me. Revenge of the cheese." ~Nari
"I am the person who slept in her own wardrobe." ~Myself
"Laughing loudly, my pet octopus." ~Nari
"NARI: Guess what I found
TOZ: A rabbit?
NARI: That's right! Oh my Poggess, and WHAT a rabbit!"
"KINZ: X: *sucks* DEMENTORS: *dement*
TOZ: Ewww! oO"
"NARI: Dirty mind
KINZ: Dirty food."
"I'm not better than anyone at anything, so it's all... OMGGONNADOCRAPPLYahhhhhh!!!!!111ONEONEeleven." ~Me
"Eww. Hamstur fur on tongue from lickingness." ~Me
"In Art History we have to write up stuff about old men with beards who painted flowers with tiny dots and these batty old women who painted with brushes in their mouth and could have quite clearly used their hands but chose not to because they wanted to be famous. The pogs." ~Nari
"It's our salmonella song! Sung while baking miffins, worryingly." ~Kinz
"NARI: What CAN you do?
TOZ: Hang on
NARI: Ok
NARI: ...You mean me hang on, or a thing that you can do is hang on?"
"Gameboys shouldn't have legs!" ~Kinz
After Nari messaged a link to muffins.com:
"TOZ: *drools*
TOZ: Do not tempt me! I must concentrate on typing up various joint stories of yaoiness!"
"Mmm... piano... *drool*" ~Me
"I am a cabbage. Please don't eat me." ~Me
"I was going to say something but decided not to." ~Me
"Boys on film... This song creeps me out... MayorxJohnxScorchxYakiblamoko... " ~Nari
"I had cornflakes, jelly, and pizza for breakfast today." ~Me
"I can hear the clogs turning from here." ~Kinz
"TOZ: [In a conversation ending all sentences with exclamation marks, talking about Kinz's banana cat name] DI won't ask!
KINZ: Detective Inspector won't ask?"
"Will's will will will you to... well... build a well." ~Self (in a conversation about the mythical 'Will', born from a typoo made of Kinz of "wild")
"TOZ; *Dies of the sheer shock.*
KINZ: =collapses from the cheery chocolate=
TOZ: *Faints from the fanatically frenzied farmer feces.*
KINZ: =topples over from the totally tooting...Teletubbies?="
"BAD CHILDREN! STOP WAYLAYING NARI!" ~Nari
"TOZ: Well, I live in the eighties anyway.
NARI: Osnap <3
KINZ: Do you really?
Toz: No.
NARI: Yes.
TOZ: Maybe.
NARI: ....No xD
KINZ: Were you born in 1990 or 1989? o_o
NARI: Maybe so.
NARI: 0919
TOZ: Who, meh? oO
KINZ: Yes.
TOZ: What's going no?
TOZ: *on
NARI: What's going? ..... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Iii hope this works. Whcaut are you doing? *banjo music* Ahhhh! ....ow. Cut." ~Toz
"TOZ: I wish Winamp would stop scaring me.
KINZ: =misreads as scarring= Ouch, software harm."
"Now if that didn't give the cheese away..." ~Kinz
"Don't eat my uber!snake. TT_TT" ~Toz
"I just chopped off a leg whilst failing to colour something on paint because it was annoying me." ~Me
"unw0t" ~Nari
"You are wise like the whore?" ~Nari
"TOZ: Entertain me.
NARI: Hello.
NARI: AHHMYEYEBROWS.
TOZ: Hi.
TOZ: HEREHAVESOMEPRINGLES.
NARI: YUMPRINGLES<3.
TOZ: JOYFORPRINGLES=o"
"TOZ: [Writing something for Nari] ...doctors are normally so unemotional and blank, but he was on the verge of a genuine smile as he said...Hershey's Or Ghirardelli?
...TOZ: "Ooh, dearie me, I just can't decide," simpered grandma.
TOZ: "Are we treating her for cancer or discussing chocolate?" snapped dad. After a moment, he added, "I prefer Hershey's, myself."
...NARI: Help me, goddamnit[!]"
"TOZ: [Writing a Drama essay] What does a judge sit on in court? Like a podium, but not.
NARI: A... boxy thing."
"A magistrate? A judge sits on a magistrate?" ~Me
"Two blocks at the back represent the bench/a chair/the judge's bottom. Thankyou, oh givers of wisdom." ~Me
"What's the pog about water and blood cheese?" ~Nari
"Only like 100 words left. Which, incidentally, can be, "gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa gwa."" ~Nari
"Yes, mother. Don't worry, this won't hurt much.... Until I jam the knife down your throat." ~Nari
"*Images of dancing Elvis Presleys detsroying concentration.*" ~Me
"TOZ: What do you want for your birthday?
...KINZ: A... gift, possibly?
TOZ: Good idea! Didn't think of that.
KINZ: It's surprising how many people haven't."
"NARI: [Because Toz is busy going insane] Me: CALM DOWN DEAR!
KINZ: YOU HIT ME!
TOZ: I'm only acting!"
"NARI: [Quoting Toz] "WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE YOU STUPID BASTARD? Haggis, haggis, haggis, haggis..."
KINZ: "...after a nervous, bitty start...""
"Neh neh neh nehhhh-nehhh! I've gone stark raving bonkers and you haven't, bet you wish you had!" ~Kinz
"My llama never changes its palm tree." ~Me
"TOZ: *Bows head in shame. IN SHAME!*
KINZ: *manages to whack knee on desk... ON DESK!"
"*bangs knee of desk again. ON DESK AGAIN!*" ~Kinz
"TOZ: The union for underrated androgynous sheep lovers.
KINZ: TUFUASL?
TOZ: Ah, yes, the well known Tufuasl, the ancient Aztec God of vegetarian food and internet relationships."
"TOZ: Anything else to report?
NARI: Erva, Erva, Erva and Milo!"
"TOZ: I had that stuck in my head in the shower at one point in the shower. The Erva thing. Not Jun having white hair.
TOZ: *on the holiday
TOZ: I think I got the point across already that it was in the shower."
"I was laughing, heard a scary sound like a burst pipe, I freaked out, then I realised it was me" ~Nari
"TOZ: No! It's not like that! I'm not some sort of bizarre shower fetishist!
KINZ: BUT YOU ARE!"
"I ADMIT IT, IT'S TRUE. I have kinky sex with showers." ~Me
"KINZ: I managed to type that as Bust tills.
...TOZ: Bloody tills. Don't make 'em like they used to.
KINZ: They always add tits on the front...honestly."
"NARI: I want to know about shower sex too!
...TOZ: Well, when a mummy shower and a daddy shower love each other very much...
TOZ: Of tills?
KINZ: On the front of tills?
NARI: Bust tills, with tits? ... In showers?
KINZ: When a mummy shower and a daddy shower love each other very much, they seek the help of tills to aid them to...
TOZ: Whilst the shower is having sex with another shower?
KINZ: This is a warped conversation, children."
"Shopping spree to buy mothers?" ~Kinz
"KINZ: OHHH YESSSSS
...TOZ: Kinz, what ARE you doing?
KINZ: I don't know, I'm experimenting
KINZ: ^__^"
"NARI: Erva only has 100 KB left to gooo
TOZ: Pardon?
KINZ: She's downloading porn
NARI: Numa numa numa
KINZ: porn!"
"TOZ: Damn. Windows blocked it from accessing my computer because apparently it's potentially harmful.
...KINZ: It's sensing that it's porn.
...NARI: It's not porn ._.
NARI: Well.
KINZ: Not really.
TOZ: Well. Yes. It is. But still.
NARI: "Touch him, be nude, beat him, beat her, take your shirt off." <- Not porn! xD
TOZ: Obviously not!
KINZ: Of course not!"
"NARI: Was muffin trying to rape you?
KINZ: That's right, I'm a masochist.
...TOZ: Arrrghfurrycatsexstopthedirtythoughts.
KINZ: Stoppit Nari, Toz is enjoying it"
"Wouldn't tough Tyson's pringle, eww" ~Nari
"TOZ: TWO ENTIRE TOES?
KINZ: No, half of each."
"Fine, fine, "Minus sign collapse minus sign". To collapse, sans sign." ~Toz (editing Nari's last words)
"Would I like fries with my own drool? Drool - the new Tomato Ketchup!" ~Nari
"Note to self: Do not try and draw Nathaniel and Marlesse on handwrite because they will look like metamorphosing ducks." ~Me
"One man went to mow Badger Close without a lawnmower~" ~Nari
"You never know when you might need a fresh, oniony face." ~Me
"TOZ: Too much sugar-free fridge.
NARI: -wants fridge-
KINZ: They're just not the same without sugar, are they?"
"TOZ: [Quoting Titanic Puppet Theatre] ...Let me offer you some words of comfort. I am slowly freezing to death in the unforgiving depths of the ocean. You, however, are on top of a floating board wearing about seventeen layers of insulted clothing...
...KINZ: Insulted? ... I HATE YOU TSHIRT! STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!
...KINZ: TSHIRT: *sobs*"
"KINZ: ...prod?
...NARI: Ooh a prod that isn't sure of itself"
"Sorry if I don't type much, I'm typing something. ...Let me rephrase." ~Me
"TOZ: Rinse it [Toz's brain] with soap in a way that does not involve my brain coming into contact with water or soap.
KINZ: Er. <does teleki...wash-brain>
...TOZ: Ah, my brain is refreshed, sparkling, and good as new.
TOZ/KINZ: Teleki-washbrain - see how it gets this brain! Good as new!"
"KINZ: Six point squiggle-y?
TOZ: With eyeball juice. Don't forget the eyeball juice!"
"I don't want to be a glac� cherry. I'm still recovering from being a cabbage." ~Toz
"TOZ: Fear my wide vocabulary!
KINZ: *fears it*
TOZ: The end.
KINZ: A wide vocabulary? My, my, vocabulary, haven't you GROWN?
TOZ: My vocabulary is on a SlimFast diet.
KINZ: SlimFast diets probably don't work.
TOZ: Particularly not on vocabularies, what with their severe lack of openings in which you can insert food.
KINZ: That sounds like some sort of dodgy fetish.
TOZ: That sounds like some subtle jab at my sexual preferences.
KINZ: That sounds like you're admitting you HAVE an unusual sexual preference.
TOZ: That sounds like you're trying to hide the fact that you also have an unusual sexual preference.
KINZ: That sounds like you're saying I feel the need to hide my perversions.
TOZ: That sounds like you're insulting me by implying that I hide my perversions.
KINZ: That sounds like we're both very confused.
TOZ: That sounds like something I would agree with."
"*imagines Toz's nose falling off and running away with Toz shouting "Come back, come back!"*" ~Kinz
"Foxy sandwiches for lunch it is, then." ~Kinz
"MOOOOOfuckyouMOOOOO" ~Kinz
"TOZ: YOU! Yes, YOU! YOU exist!
NARI: ME!?
TOZ: NO! THAT person over THERE!"
"Do I see? No, I Kentucky Fried Chicken." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Bwaha. I have a huge wad of
...KINZ: Tampons."
"A fairy, but with gastrointestinal troubles?" ~Kinz
"An Irish fairy with gastrointestinal troubles." ~Kinz
"I always thought they could do with a bit more glitter and ribbons and such. Awfully manly, screwdrivers, they need a bit of effeminating." ~Kinz
"Anti-conformists and alcohol don't mix." ~Toz
"TOZ: My kitty is so pretty, no one can compete, she's always with me, my kitty is so sweet~♪
...KINZ: With caramel sauce, she's particularly delicious."
"NARI: I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've lost. Brian Shortcut.I've los
KINZ: t my marbles"
"Help, I'm doing craply off a building." ~Toz
"TOZ: Oh no, I've lost Brian Shortcut!
NARI: Not AGAIN!
KINZ: Look, if you two keep losing this poor kid then I may as well take him in. Or hand him over to the Social Service people. Or turn him into a pie. What d'you reckon, Brian Pie?"
"Arrgh, get my hair out of this welcome mat." ~Toz
"KINZ: We've just got our first batch of trick-or-treaters.
TOZ: Stone them to death!
TOZ: Ask for their autograph!
TOZ: Inform them that you are proud to be Scottish!
...TOZ: In that order!
KINZ: They're being so terrifying. Arrgh. No. The horror.
TOZ: What are they?
KINZ: Small human children. I can conclude they're predominantly carbon-based.
TOZ: Let's eat them!
NARI: Do lets!"
"When I was in France, I wanted to say I was full after the meal. I said 'Je suis pleine'. I was then told, helpfully five minutes later, that I'd informed the whole table that I was pregnant." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Acknoo, I'm dying.
KINZ: No you're not.
TOZ: Oh. Good."
"I thought you said, "I'm growing a very sick moustache."" ~Nari
"TOZ: What's that line in POTC?
NARI: Goft ides.
TOZ: Excuse me, hwhat do you think POTC stands for?
KINZ: Porn of the Carribean."
"Mmm, white mousey goodness!" ~Nari
"Your ass is coming loose again." ~Toz
"1. It was an arranged marriage. We've been betrothed from birth.
2. It's been a shameful secret.
3. I wonder how you knew that Crassy is a genderless entity. We've been thinking about the problems of producing offspring." ~Kinz [on her spouse, Procrastination]
"Send bondage on a postcard to the following address." ~Toz
"A crash resounded against the walls from outside, followed by what sounded suspiciously like Hitler trying to sing..." ~Toz
"I also got your postcRADRF ages ago and forgot to mentin it." ~Toz
"Yours is on my desk, I think. Hang on, let me begin a mini-archaelogical dig here on my desk. *digs* Oh, here we have a memory stick probably dating from the prehistoric era, we can't be too sure, really. A sweet paper probably from before the last ice age aaaand...some small wooden construction, possibly an ice cream stick. Looks like it might have lived amongst the dinosaurs. Ah. Here we have the postcard from the early 21st Century." ~Kinz
"Who actually twiddles their thumbs, anyway? Well, I do. Really. But that's not the point, because I am clearly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. What is this grand scheme, anyway? It must be a conspiracy I haven't heard about it. WHY haven't I heard about it? I should hear about all conspiracies! I'm a leading conspirator in the world of today! If someone wants a professional conspirator and they ask someone where to find them, they say "Oh, go to Colin, she's very good and conspiring". Yet somehow the world still conspires against me to make me a bad conspirator. I suppose that's why I'm so good at conspiring, I have so much experience. "Is swimming pool a sport?" "No, it's a noun." Just a free sample of the conversations I have with my brothers. Call now for the full bundle AND a complimentary mint! Which reminds me, we were watching an advert for life insurance, and we're fairly sure that at the end it was saying what you could get when you die, and it included a free pen. "Oh, THAT'S going to be useful, isn't it? Look, you're dead, here, have a free pen. Oh, joy! Just what I wanted! I can certainly rest in peace now!". I was strongly tempted to write conspirating in that ramble about conspiracies, but I resisted temp- oh, you're back. Shut me up now." ~Toz
""Ha ha ha," she snortwibbled, floopdropping onto the keyboard." ~Toz
"TOZ: The banana is ENTIRELY relevant and a recognised weapon of self-defence.
...KINZ: Oh, I know, I know. I use it all the time when monkeys attack me in dark alleyways."
"A STREPSIL? Those are for clearing sore throats! My throat is not up my nose! I am NOT going to wedge a Strepsil up my nostril!" ~Kinz
"Stewart Reid is my marmalade." ~Toz
"Honestly, kids these days. They get your hopes all up for a coupon for sext toys and then take it away at the last moment. What's a forty-year-old man supposed to do in today's world? Everyone discriminated against us because they think we're perverts, though I guess I am what with my fetish for sex toys, but that's beside the point. Everyone should have equal rights and respect." ~Toz
"You're going to find a song about a sadist who...has been sprayed with laughing gas? ... 'Discombobulation! Ahahaa! *snaps random limbs*'" ~Kinz
"*Looks up 'Discombobulation Ahahaa' in the Yellow Pages.*" ~Toz
"TOZ: Flay see beard, Flay eat beard.
KINZ: Flay get indigestion ):
TOZ: Flay explode from the inside.
NARI: Flay beards!
TOZ: Flay them to within an inch of their life!
KINZ: A caveman eating a beard.
KINZ: FLAY HUNGRY. FLAY EAT FACIAL HAIR."
"Help, they've been meleded to my skin!" ~Toz
"TOZ: Ronald Raygun?
KINZ: Zap zap!"
"perverts.com...cat toothbrush? O__o" ~Kinz
"But FOUR times as much of a challenge for Cillit Bang!" ~Nari
"Lube biscuits? Are they tasty? Do they slide down your throat with surprising ease?" ~Kinz
"A beard of shame...OF SHAME!" ~Kinz
"NARI: I;ve just wasted about 6 sheets of paper and now I feel really guilt. ;;
...KINZ: Yeah well, I feel really hunger."
"Oh JOY. Muffin just came in, I stroked him and he turned around and FARTED at me." ~Kinz
"You could be afraid of the giant earthworms tunnelling ever closer." ~Toz
"Arrr, ye pirate ship has been boarded! *Hogwarts students swarm Durmstrange ship.*" ~Toz [yes, Durmstrange]
"KINZ: Stupid shit button.
...TOZ: Press here to shit.
...KINZ: What happens if you press the Insert button?
TOZ: You don't even want to know. You just THINK you do."
"Homoworking" ~Nari
"TOZ: I am a fish.
KEVIN: what type?
TOZ: A longnose filefish."
"Yeah, I thought it might be orange juice falling down from his eyes when crying." ~Kinz
"NARI: Team Rocket's rocket, rochet trouble, rocket trouble, big trouble~
NARI: rocket*
KINZ: crotchet touble?"
"*Gets the bizarre mental image of Rosie & Jim's John and the Doctor from Harvest Moon entering a 1950s police box together.*" ~Toz
"KINZ: Or it could have been John/Protractor. Anyone want to venture a summary for that? I offer a beginning! 'A tale telling of a man's masochistic relationship with the maths department's stationary adviser goes badly wrong...'
NARI: 50 points from stethescope!
TOZ: ...when he accidentally let go of the protractor, losing it forever...
KINZ: DOWN HIS PANTS.
NARI: DOWN WITH PANTS.
KINZ: English pants! Down them. I love RARR so much.
NARI: Down with HIS pants?
KINZ: No. Down his pants. Not down WITH them. The protractor goes down his pants. And stays there. Where he loses them. It.
TOZ: And consequently downs them, being chronically confused as to what a drinking competition involves.
KINZ: He then becomes addicted to his pants. He can't get enough of them. He develops an unsettling dependance on fabric undergarments and has to undergo 'specialist' treatment at the local Lingerie help service..
TOZ: Their organisation is named "UA", "Underwearaholics Anonymous". Unfortunately, this well-meaning support group only deepens his problems.
KINZ: By shoving lacy bras and thongs and other unmentionables in his face. Repeatedly. He then becomes sick of womanly things and decides he wants to see if anal suits him better. On his travels, he meets a kindly..."
"He meets a kindly Marlesse. Sadly, she is too busy getting off with Nathaniel to notice." ~Nari
"I have a poo sadly? That sounds fun. ...The game.. not the pooing. ...The SAD pooing." ~Kinz
"I am shrinking, well... I've eaten my socks... ^_^ So has Mr Stabby! AAAHH!" ~Nari (translating a note Toz wrote in German several years ago)
"TOZ: "Mikami had all the assignments since Jesus's last slip-up."
...KINZ: That whole cruxification thing. Bit of a downer, but nobody thought any less of him for it."
"Rick is very coherent. He pauses. "PEH!" he adds." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Battle of the facial hair. Jesus' is longer, but Santa's has a more pleasant texture when placed in the mouth and eaten.
KINZ: And Santa's beard gets in a nifty hookshot, ohh that was a nasty one! But look, Jesus's moustachey thing is up again! It doesn't look good for Santa's beard and oh here we go WHAT A SHOT! 1...2...3...and he's down! Jesus's moustachey thing wins!"
"Yes, we write porn when we have nothing better to do, don't we?" ~Toz
"It's like my bunny is perving on yours, wanting more sex." ~Toz
"(to) Cattle [noun]: To be bovine and monochrome." ~Kinz
"Bloody...cattle racists..." ~Kinz
"So...the patient is showing Doc his 23068899?" ~Kinz
"Is he highly toxic?" ~Nari (on PF)
"No I'm not! How dare you accuse me of having Todd in my pants! I don't know where he is! OK?!?!1/1qaz" ~Nari
"TOZ: What do you want for Christmas, little girl?
NARI: My virginity.
TOZ: I'm sorry, the mayor has stolen it and no matter how much I plead he refuses to part with it."
"You make me wanna live, you make me wanna die, and when I stroke your head I feel hundred something or other, la la la, new! Conversation mints! Complete with fortune cookie fortunes, misappropriated from real life lesser-spotted fortune cookies. Fortunate cookies? Not if they have things stolen from them. Which reminds me, we must begin the protest against rain. How useful it would be..." ~Toz
"I'm sorry, but I must go! Here, take this to remember me by. *Hands leg and hops off downstairs.*" ~Toz
"He's like an overgrown fish in a suit. With no tail. And a monacle. And wax lips." ~Nari (on the HM Gourmet Judge)
"A walrus in a top hat wearing wax lips and a monacle." ~Toz
"TOZ: You could do a project on procrastination. That's certainly a controversial subject.
KINZ: But I support it. I'm MARRIED to it for pie's sake. It's bound to be biased.
TOZ: On the other hand, primary research will be easy. Most people can't interview their subject.
KINZ: Quite true. I can't really imagine you interviewing Suicide. 'So, Suicide, tell me...what drove you to yourself?'"
"Last name Biran. Les Bian Brian. Dislcaimer, Brian is not a lesbian. It was just a coincidence in the naming of the child." ~Toz
"They allow results to be collected from groups such as the entire population rather than a select few, providing the opportunity for more penetration." ~Toz
"TOZ: [On Coralie's username, Happy Crazy Nutty Spanner Nut Thing-Total Ass] Very mature and intelligent.
CORALIE: uh hello have you read yours recently?" [Toz's username at the time was "N&M || Prongs in a thong || MASSIVE ORGIES. || Hello Chile Womble Biscuits".]
"TOZ: What did you do with my regurgitated brain then?
KINZ: Gave it to Medical Research to Aid Those Mentally Deficient. They didn't have much use for it.
TOZ: What did they do with it? Exchange it for magic beans?
KINZ: No. Magic TURNIPS."
"Apparently too besotted with the object of his desire to notice anyone or anything else, James cried,
�KINZ PUT YOUR DIALOGUE HERE PLZKTHX.�
Lily halted as if she had just stumbled upon a murder in a B-movie.
"Oh, James, that was the most romantic thing you've ever said to me!"" ~Toz
"It's a christmassy pimpcane!" ~Kinz
"They were the Beatles and found a secret stash of pot, then, while high, Sirius as George Harrison designed an album cover." ~Toz (on her dream)
"MWPP are sat in common room. Lily walks in DUNDUNDUNNNN. Jamesjamesjamesjamesjames attempts a suave-guava line on her but ends up being slightly threatening and scary. And possibly offensive. And very, very perverted. Lily cries rape. Sirius comes to the rescue (!). " ~Kinz (actually a quote from our notes on Mfic, but I can't be bothered to put that in another section right now)
"The potbunnies attack in technology." ~Kinz
"Apparently too besotted with the object of his desire to notice anyone or anything else, James cried,
�Look, fine, if you really insist I'll put some dialogue here but it'll be crap.�
Lily gaped at James in a suspiciously fish-like manner and wailed, "Take me now!"" ~Kinz
"Sissy's intense darkness just begs to be joined by her being clad in leather." ~Toz
"KINZ: He's giving you the eye? Voldemort's checking you out?
TOZ: Yes, he is. Pervy Dark Lord.
KINZ: "And then like omigod he was all like 'Hey baby, how YOU doin'?' and then I was like omigod and I like totally about had a coronary but omigod that would've been like so embarrassing could you imagine? And then I was like 'Hey I'm good. How about you?' and he was like laughing omigod I thought he was gonna reject me but then he was like 'I've killed fifty muggleborns before breakfast' but he was like totally still like smiling and then omigod he totally pinched my butt.""
"Maturity in a box." ~Toz
"You cannot put a stopper on my pants?" ~Kinz
"My brain's having a storm. It's windy. A light breeze. A healthy breeze around my anterior frontal lobe." ~Kinz
"The lump tastes like plastic, the plastic tastes like lump. Everybody's happy! Except the mice. Bloody mice, never happy with their lot." ~Toz
"Do I have webbed plushie hands?" ~Toz
"ARIEL: I want to get naked Alan Rickman exactly right.
TOZ: "Stand a little to the left... a little closer to the camera...""
"Arrgh, help, I have a pimp cane stuck up my nose!" ~Toz
"What, like a legion of cutlery with little helmets and chestplates?" ~Kinz
"Nuclear rusty knives." ~Toz
"KINZ: He had a kiloton of knives? How did he carry that about?
TOZ: With a very large wheelbarrow."
"Excuse me, sir, I bought some [knives] from you the other day and, er...they're glowing. Green." ~Kinz
"TOZ: You may want to get them decontaminated at your local nuclear power plant.
KINZ: Yessir. There's a special crockery and cutlery section."
"A batch of rusty nuclear knives, fresh out of the oven." ~Toz
"What's it about, pedophiles going one step further and lusting after unborn foetuses? Your ultrasound scan has curves in ALL the right places." ~Toz
"The text on this icon is so small I just read 'my favourite girl' as 'i urinate you' on first glance." ~Kinz
"It was a suicidal chicken." ~Toz
"It's Voldemort, with curly blonde hair and big cute eyes, pre-Alien-like-graveyard-rebirth. Wormtail's teaching him, the alphabet, see? Only Mr Pettigrew isn't too bright and thinks that B is the first letter. And he's bewitched a rattle to levitate over Voldie's head and whenever Voldie says A first, he gets a whackonthehead." ~Kinz (on this)
"...I can't be bothered to walk over there in the dark and pick up your wayward pogs for you." ~Kinz
"David Thewlis collects caterpillars on his face." ~Kinz
"TOZ: How do you make rats festive?
KINZ: Gag them with ribbon! ...Sounds like a Christmas cracker-grade joke."
"Toz hate Toz addition. Toz eat it with a zesty topping of facial hair." ~Toz
"KINZ: Spring. No, Summer! Wait - got it - wait for it! AUTUMN.
TOZ: I know, I'll write a seasonal Christmas scene. =D"
"For the Japanese drink of simplicity, agreed." ~Kinz
"I'm going to not hurt you now, feel my inexistant wrath as I totally don't torture you!" ~Kinz
"I can't walk a metre without finding some box of sickly confectionery. I think my family are trying to fatten me up and they will eat me next Christmas like a very humanlike goose." ~Kinz
"TOZ: My noose is only 40cm away, and scrolling up gives me suicidal tendencies. One plus one equals...
KINZ: Fifty-three."
"Yes! I am fantastic! I didn't say so before because I was being kind and modest, but I am a brilliant writer. Possibly even better than Shakespeare and Charles Dickens COMBINED." ~Toz
"KINZ: I am the world! All those times Mum told me the world doesn't revolve around me, she was wrong - I am the world. I revolve for myself and nobody else. Fear the magical revolving human that is me.
TOZ: You revolve around yourself? I never noticed.
KINZ: I do it privately."
"Private "revolving", �5 a session. Other activities extra." ~Kinz/Toz
"Stupid things. I AM KILLING YOU. WHY AREN'T YOU NOTICING?" ~Toz
"Say what you will, I've forgotten what the rest of this sentence was." ~Toz
"Measures how even a ghost is." ~Kinz (on spirit levels)
"Whee! There go Kinz's marbles! Look at them go!" ~Toz
"Now only his small eyes could be seen shining from the murky depths of his sheath." ~Toz
"TOZ: [Explaining the Marauderfic quote in her personal message.] "Sirius pouted. �You are most cruel and unusual, sir. And anyway, these flimsy swimming trunks beg to differ.�
ARIEL: "Lily then walked by with Snape on her arm. "That is small compared to my big boy" she exclaimed stroking Snape. James uttered a random hex.""
"I wore it [ugly sequin mobile] as a hat for a while, along with some stylish red "Push here" buttons, then discovered a suitable hiding place on top of my giant cupboard." ~Toz
"So has Kinz been doing slightly more sane things than wandering aimlessly around her room wearing a large and ugly sequin mobile on her head?" ~Toz
"Flay, a lonely caveman, was rejected from society due to his penchant for facial hair. Now he must battle his way through the elements in a fight for survival and to warn his former tribe that the great frost is coming. Along the way he will meet friendly saber-toothed tigers, a wild fox with mange and a clan of evil woolly mammoths whom only Flay can see. Will he make it back alive?" ~Toz
"Toz, a seemingly normal girl, suddenly went mad and began talking about cavemen three years ago. Now someone needs to revive her soul as it turns out she was actually trying to explain the demise of the missing links. Can this weighty task be completed before her brain dissolves forever?" ~Toz
"Kinz, a seemingly normal girl, suddenly began being very negative and pessimistic towards the tasks of others. At the time everyone believed this was just because she was sensible, but recent evidence has shown that there was something greater going on behind the scenes..." ~Toz
"Avada cadaver. Pop! Congratulations, you now have a dead infant inside you." ~Kinz
"[Discussing the title of the song 'Double Trouble' from the PoA soundtrack.]
KINZ: Shh, no it isn't [called Double Trouble].
TOZ: Why not?
KINZ: Because I SAID so, dammit. *fury*
TOZ: Why did you say so?
KINZ: But WHY is all the rum gone?
TOZ: Because I buried it with my new spade.
KINZ: But WHY did you get a new spade? I wanted the spade, you bastard!
TOZ: Because I WANTED a new spade. Don't complain or I'll hit you with my new spade!
KINZ: Not if I hit you with your own spade first!
TOZ: And how will you do that, since I buried it with the rum? Ah ha!
KINZ: That's right, spades are fickle bastards! They'll turn on you like THAT. THAT being the occurance of which your heads falls the off.
TOZ: As in, put it in the hole with the rum. Not dug a hole using the rum.
KINZ: Well, I'm confused by myself. I'm going to watch the Simpsons at my computer now."
"Conclusive proof with THREE exclamation marks? Why, it must be more conclusive than conclusions have ever concluded before!" ~Kinz
"There are whees infiltrating the conversation! Seal all exits! Secure the trapdoor!" ~Kinz
"Instant Inspiration: Just add water!" ~Toz
"But you might drink it! Arrgh my tongue and tonsils and throat are so inspired." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Does shooting yourself in the head with a fly gun result in either:
a) Inspiration
or
b) Temporary suicide?
KINZ: I demand to know what option c is.
TOZ: c) You being turned into a mutant half-fly, half human?
KINZ: Hmmm. D?
TOZ: s) A brief pain in your skull?
KINZ: s?
TOZ: *d
KINZ: You've skipped a few options."
"I'm laughing backwards!" ~Toz
"There are actually no clams within my vision." ~Toz
"TOZ: WHO THE FUCK IS HAGGIS?
KINZ: I don't know, but he's wearing a kilt and he's coming straight for us!"
"B A C D E F G H J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Z Z Z." ~Toz('s revised alphabet)
"You've been blessed with a sleep-fondling tomato. How does it feel to be molested by a tomato? Squishy, thanks." ~Kinz
"Don't discriminate against your food." ~Toz
"One Day in the Life of Me, an autobiography." ~Kinz
"Toz gets several things mixed together at once, results in mass confusion and "Erotic robin"." ~Toz
"It is probably not possible to produce an erotic cough... Sirius coughed erotically. "Remus, truly, my streptococcus is sexier than yours." Remus raised an eyebrow doubtfully and considered how awful a doctor Sirius would make if he enjoyed saying 'streptococcus' so much, particularly for its third syllable." ~Kinz
"TOZ: I hate History. There's so much of it.
KINZ: Ah. ): Yes. it's a shame about...er, years and so on.
TOZ: At least I don't have to revise all two thousand and five of them.
KINZ: And, you know, the years that came before Christ's birth. But never mind - they obviously didn't exist. xD
TOZ: Shhh. =P
TOZ: It's a major conspiracy which I highly endorse."
"Do History revision for an hour. It makes staring blankly out of a window surprisingly entertaining." ~Toz
"TOZ: Yay. I can taunt you by snoring with abnormal volume!
KINZ: I don't go INTO your garden and stand under your window to deliver papers."
"BUT TOZBYFLAY WANT EDIBLE CRACKER DELICACIES!" ~Toz
"I thought that was a caveman appearing out of a top hat. "Hey! Hey guys, watch this, I bet you've never seen a trick THIS good before!"" ~Kinz
"In your nose? I have to go on a journey up your nostril to see the noticeboard?" ~Kinz
"Yes! We could create our own army of empty c- -why do all of my conversations with you involve world domination? Anyway - -hildren!" ~Toz
"You're missing a Y. Here you are. *hands Y*" ~Kinz
"Here is my fish frying sympathy for Peter." ~Kinz
"Voldemort explodes a radio with an attached swollen appendix?" ~Kinz
"'Arry Potter and the Receptacle of Flames, starring David Tennant as Carroty Crouch Jr." ~Toz
"Carrot Topper and the Order of the Vegetables." ~Kinz
"Half-Baked Evil Prince With Chicken." ~Toz
"KINZ: Flay will brb.
TOZ: Sirius will eat facial hair."
"I have the urge to launch into a theory on how Flay was being an imposter and he was actually Sirius in OotP and was the one who died. Therefore Flay is dead and Sirius is a caveman, hence why he never shaves and likes loincloths." ~Kinz
"Sporky the Speedy Wetwipe!" ~Kinz
"Analysis: Toz is in love with smelly feet which have Athlete's foot." ~Kinz
"Or rather, I am loved BY smelly feet which have athletes foot. ... And they sit on my head eating bananas." ~Toz
"TOZ: [After Kinz misread "Eccleston-Doctor" as "Erection Doctor".] I sincerely hope I don't now dream about an erection doctor.
KINZ: What, like a sexual therapist, or just a doctor who's like "So, good news is your ear is not infected but I'd better have a fiddle around your nether regions, just, you know, for kicks.""
"A harpsichord playing on a gameboy." ~Toz
"Put. Down. The muffin. Step. Away. From. The muffin." ~Kinz
"TOZ: It's meeeeee, it's Cathyyyyy...~
KINZ: I'VE COME TO GET YOU AHAHAHAH. That should so be part of the song. ... So co-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld - let me through your window? Go on, please.
TOZ: So I can eat your brains?
KINZ: Zombie!Cathy.
TOZ: It won't hurt that much. Brainssss, brainssss...
KINZ: Like going to sleep...in a giant blender.
...TOZ: Let me grab your soul brains~ Pleasantly squishy to the touch.
KINZ: Squidgy and pokeable.
TOZ: How are you enjoying your brain?
KINZ: I like having one, if that's what you mean.
TOZ: Are you sure?
KINZ: Maybe just a trial to see how long I last as a drooling idiot. Or, more accurately, a bigger idiot who drools more.
TOZ: A trial brainless period?
KINZ: Yeah. Satisfaction guaranteed, but it can be replaced after 30 days if unsatisfied."
"DI won't ask! DI is not doing his job correctly!" ~Kinz
"Is your poo like this? If so, get it checked out." ~Kinz [after Toz described the colours of her LJ as "poo" when they went wrong to become fluorescent green and pink]
"TOZ: Make sure you wear a hard hat tomorrow, then, in case of flying objects.
KINZ: I keep telling you, I will NOT deliver papers from your back garden!"
"Tarmac the Tank Engine." ~Kinz
"I don't need to do weird, unprounancable practices with Sevvy. He's all mine (even the underpants)" ~Coralie
"CORALIE: "But the risk is what would have made it fun for James". What if Lily found out?
CORALIE: Would you still fancy him castrated?"
"TOZ: I'm special. =D
KINZ: Incredibly so."
"I just whacked my ankle on my chair, ON MY CHAIR, in shame, IN SHAME?" ~Kinz
"KINZ: James stop talking about your nuts.
TOZ: My peanuts are bigger than yours, Sirius."
"I don't need vibrating toys I have Snape" ~Coralie
"Limited edition vibrating Snape: buy now to recieve a free Lucius Malfoy, complete with pimp cane." ~Toz
"Help, my head has been submerged in a SHAME-pringle." ~Toz
"CORALIE: Since when have i pleased you Padfoot?
KINZ: Since an hour ago, Moony."
"One two three four five Harry Potter and the Snape seven eight nine ten." ~Toz
"Oh, good. That's what I like to hear, corrupting youth through HP fics.." ~Kinz
"I want to post something through your letterbox tomorrow. Can I post you some leaves?" ~Kinz
"Sadistic mint bits in wellies!" ~Toz
"No one can covet perversion like you pervert covetion." ~Toz
"Yes. Snape doesn't walk or strut or storm, he vibrates." ~Kinz
"KINZ: I wouldn't mind some pringles actually. You don't have any left, do you? Or did you choke and destroy them all?
CORALIE: No i have some her. Or you could have some chocolate... wait there
TOZ: How are you going to get it to her?
KINZ: She's going to throw it, naturally.
TOZ: Or cram it into the monitor.
CORALIE: WAIT
KINZ: Put it in the CD drive.
TOZ: "Why... won't... you... go... IN?"
KINZ: Buzzz...CLICK. Go in, dammit!
TOZ: Local Disk (Chocolate:)
...KINZ: Removable Disk :Chocolate"
"its not a badger its chocolate" ~Coralie
"Why are telling Bertie about how luvverly congealed pizza is?" ~Kinz
"CORALIE: jkdhajslhvn;\oijkSmav@OI{jKMLF/,KJHWSJKFNLKejfm,dfng;kjn;dfjkghwdl,mfnjo[iawjkmlKMemkhnfhbhv/,jkviksdnfkjEGFUENBCMKDHU89mkjiysoi
MWOI;EWURKJNHiuJN,l,JKAMNLKUJMC,BHJKk
TOZ: KEYBOARD: *explodes*
KINZ: Who is Bertie?"
"its his [Bertie Botts'] new flavour bean: congealed pizza" ~Coralie
"Alternatively, Kate Bush names her pizza." ~Kinz
"Coralie has entered the kitchen with Snape and has brought with her tasty rabbitses." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Stop shoving food up your nostrils. People need to EAT off that.
...KINZ: Eat off my nostrils?"
"Gosh, Hitler wasn't very nice, was he?" ~Toz
"Whee! Look at Hitler go!" ~Toz
"TOZ: I win! I am now a Nazi dictator!
KINZ: Congratulations!
CORALIE: AHHH *runs in opposite direction*
TOZ: Thankyou! =D
KINZ: Which racial minority will you persecute first?
...TOZ: Decisions, decisions.
...KINZ: I just read that as Chickens, chickens. Don't ask how. I will kill all the poultry.
"Germany: *spontaneously vanishes in 1940* THIS NOT GERMANY. THIS IS AUSTRIA. No Germanies around here, nope sir, none at all." ~Kinz
"THERE'S A WAR GOING ON YOU BASTARDS. Pay attention, Hitler. Leading a country includes making sure it still exists. Did you miss the memo?" ~Toz
"TOZ: Tomorrow I will just sit down in my History exam and quote 'The Germans'.
KINZ: DO IT. You know you want to.
TOZ: Indeed! xD My exams are slowly getting more and more ridiculous.
KINZ: Imagine a simple question such as Why did WW2 start? The Germans started it. They invaded Poland."
"The flame is hotter than boild Snapes Penis =)" ~Coralie
"CORALIE: Then we did it on Harry's bed. Where James first slept with Lily
...TOZ: Naughty indeed! I certainly hope you cleaned up after yourselves.
CORALIE: Why else do you think Dumbledore pulled the curtains down?"
"Until you belt the belty belt and belted them, I suppose, if belted replaces melted." ~Toz
"*chokes on pineapple juice, A PRINGLE*" ~Kinz
"Flay want pleasantly tangy orange and chocolate sponge biscuit! Flay want portable confectionery!" ~Kinz
"KINZ: Flay dislike being flimsy pretext for mocking of the Neanderthal culture.
TOZ: Flay have to deal with it. : D
KINZ: Flay deal with it in gory, violent and homicidal manner."
"TOZ: That's just the lack of artificial flavouring. Jaffa cakes are naturally blue.
KINZ: Flavouring? Don't you mean colouring?
TOZ: That too.
KINZ: Mmm, this Jaffa cake tastes very blue. But this cookie tastes slightly red.
TOZ: Maybe I meant they were naturally BLUEBERRY flavoured. Eh? Eh? Not so cocky now, are you?
KINZ: Yes.
TOZ: But then their orange-flavoured propaganda wouldn't work.
KINZ: I never stop.
KINZ: Mmm, this propaganda tastes of orange!"
"Wheee, Gandalf looks like he's going through a wormhole. Or up a vacuum cleaner. And Aragorn apparently just stabbed himself in the thigh." ~Toz
"KINZ: Your constant references to sewing paraphernalia reveal an unnerving message your subconscious is trying to send out.
TOZ: What is this unnerving message?
KINZ: ...Hello.
TOZ: ARRRGHOHGODNO! *runs away screaming*
KINZ: Don't run away from me! I just want to be your friend!
TOZ: *hesitates, glances back*
KINZ: I'll buy you pastries whenever we go out together!
TOZ: Mm, pastry.
KINZ: Mmm, emotional blackmail flavoured pastry. Or bribery pastry.
TOZ: Bribery Pie.
KINZ: Mmm, consenting coercion pastry."
"On today's menu at the Moral Ambivalence Caf�: To start, Benevolent Salad with a Zesty Topping of Charity. To follow, a hearty Humble Pie with Side of Apprehensive Potatoes and Demure Green Beans. For dessert we offer a wide selection of Emotional Torment Pastries, or you might choose our Rancorous Cherry Pie with Pestilential Cream and Corrupting Caramel Sauce." ~Kinz
"A PRINGLEFUL BUBBLE BATH WITH ADDED CAPSLOCK." ~Kinz
"SMURG IT." ~Toz
"James, are you aware that your room is growing copious amounts of hair?" ~Toz
"He wanks his juvenile marauders." ~Kinz
"But you needed to know there was error, did you know about the error? I think I forgot to tell you about the error. There is an error!" ~Kinz
"Little Tom Tiddle, the cat had a fiddle... And so Tom Avada Kedavra'd that bitch and stole its fiddle. Thus, Voldemort was born through feline violence and musical instrument stealing." ~Kinz
"Randomism is the most extreme version of creativity, most people can do it, but not well" ~Kevin
"TOZ: Splendiferous! You could just grant me godly powers, and I could do the world-conquering myself.
KEVIN: Yes, but then you are inexperienced in the arts of taking over other planets......Or are you not telling me something....."
"KEVIN: *Sneaks up behind Scotland* BOOO!
TOZ: Scotland: Ahhh! Toz: Muahahaha!"
"1: If you could just launch a surprise attack from the Antarctic, it would be greatly appreciated.
2: But we're trying to take over Scotland. The Antarctic is the opposite end of the globe.
1: Then it'll be very surprising." ~Toz
"KINZ: ...You might want to congregate somewhere else.
TOZ: In the drawer... next to your loincloth.
TOZ: Sorry. Random quotation. o_o;
...KINZ: You want to congregate in the drawer next to my loincloth?
KINZ: Yes. With a loincloth. A used loincloth.
TOZ: You admit you have a loincloth?
TOZ: A USED loincloth?
KINZ: No, strangle the woman with a used loincloth. Just any loincloth will do.
TOZ: Any loincloths you have lying around, you know, like you do...
KINZ: You can make anything into a loincloth with the right tools and a twisted imagination."
"Fortune sims get on my nerves, though more because money cheats don't count towards their aspirations rather than spontaneously deciding that a wedding is NOTHING compared to learning how to cook cereal." ~Toz
"TOZ: Hm. My speakers are farting at me. x_X;; Quietly farting, but still.
KINZ: My speakers were doing that too, as was my cat.
TOZ: Maybe it's a conspiracy."
"TOZ: And why are there grips on toothbrush handles? Do they get put on in case one is too vigorous when brushing one's teeth?
...KINZ: Maybe it's in case you brush really hard and it slips out of your hand, goes down your gullet and blocks it so you choke to death because there was no grip on that handle.
...TOZ: But toothbrush makers could sell guides on performing the Heimlich manoeuver. They'd make a fortune.
KINZ: Hear me, I sound like a beetle
TOZ: Oh, fair enough, then.
...KINZ: Colgate, What to Do When Your Toothbrush Attempts to Impair Your Breathing Ability: 101 tips on Avoiding Suffocation.
...TOZ: I'd buy one! You never know when it would come in handy, especially if toothbrushes didn't have grips."
"You have converted me! I shall now worship gherkins." ~Toz
"You have converted me! I shall now worship me." ~Toz
"123prongsinjusttheonethong." ~Toz
"COMPLETELY uninterested in his impending goom." ~Toz
"put smartie tubes on cats legs to make them masturbate like robots." ~Coralie
"CORALIE: Something I ate for pudding, unfortuneately by Coralie [Surname], Juliet [Surname] and Lyndsey [Surname] (aka Macnair)
KINZ: Well, all right then! just make sure our readers get the point."
"What, we're all collectively known as MacNair?" ~Kinz
"CORALIE: the pigs guide to cooking an egg
TOZ: It's not exactly widely applicable, is it?
TOZ: Well, I suppose you could write about the mating of habits of ducks. You know, REALLY surprise your readers."
"hmmm could we start an online vendetta? or a fictional vendetta? or a vendetta in general?" ~Coralie
"Bananas? Banana chickens? Books about banana chickens? Books about how fascist dictators eat banana chickens? Books about how peace can be brought about by fascist dictators eating banana chickens? Books about the life of a pacifist trying to stop fascist dictators eating banana chickens? Books about what the human race thinks of the life of a pacifist who tries to stop fascist dictators eating banana chickens? I COULD GO ON." ~Toz
"'Very absolute shit, burn it.'" ~Kinz
"You're such an investment banker." ~Kinz
"A bad case of stage pringle!" ~Kinz
"snapeisanaughtyboyandmustbepunishedbyme" ~Coralie
"Ohhhhhh, I do love my gutter, the gutter is a lovely place to be~♪" ~Toz
"Stealth-chocolate stealing!" ~Kinz
"ChocStealth-clate stealing is much more fun, though." ~Toz
"Psychocstealthclate." ~Toz
"Choc steals clavicle. Shock! Stolen clavicle!" ~Kinz
"You are no help. I disown you. Go and mate with a dictionary and produce wordy, witty little bundles of acidic sarcasm which burn on contact and I hope you have a lot of contact with your children. I hope they kill you for giving them names like Boblas. Die as the result of dictionary offspring." ~Kinz
"KINZ: Hullo, have a sword. Let me take all this unpleasant porn off your hands and computer.
TOZ: Oh ho, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
KINZ: I've got a naked obsession, a good intention gone bad #
KINZ: Yes.
TOZ: That would be why you want my porn, then. Help yourself. It's getting in the way of art.
KINZ: I want your porn. Give me your porn. All your porn are belong to the mayor.
...KINZ: Let me be the messenger. Give me your porn to give to the mayor.
TOZ: I want a t-shirt with "all your porn are belong to mayor" on it now. Not that I'd ever wear it.
KINZ: Porn goes here. *points to upturned palm*"
"I would not wear my porn t-shirt pubically." ~Toz
"KINZ: Stewart Reid, the greater marmelade for the greater good of humanity. Vote Stewart Reid for local county conserve councillor!
TOZ: *toast
KINZ: The greater good of toast, and also Peter Pettigrew."
"Stop it, I'm going to swoon straight into insanity." ~Kinz
""special" is a very special word." ~Coralie
"I can multi-task. I can also view the tv through three walls and the floor." ~Toz
"that is a POLICEMAN lyndsey. they walk the streets upholding the LAW" ~Coralie
"really? cause it says that you are "away and may not reply". i figured you may be visiting Pluto." ~Coralie
"Poorly. I'm considering the most dreaded of all things: an expedition under my bed. I may never come back, but desperate times call for desperate situations [measures]." ~Toz
"TOZ: I also have an icon for when I am performing a mutiny, you see?
KINZ: That is wonderful, and so considerate of you to warn others. But slightly presumptuous as you're assuming people are online waiting to be informed of your mutinous decisions.
TOZ: You mean... they aren't?
KINZ: I'm sorry to shatter your illusions. Please don't brutally end me.
TOZ: ...
KINZ: Are those ellipses harbingers of a brutal death?"
"Oh god! The punctuation is coming to get me! " ~Kinz
"TOZ: *.*.*.*.*.!
KINZ: *squeals and hides under desk*
TOZ: *: *jumps up and down on desk*"
"My Other Otter Goes Down Arses Practically Only Daily, Dude." ~Kinz
"Yay for me overcoming my inability to do anything!" ~Toz
"Who's Inspector K? Is he DI's friend? ...
I'm glad DI has a social life." ~Kinz
"*nods in a severely misspelt manner*" ~Kinz
"KINZ: The small intestine is happy and glad to give you directions to the sun.
TOZ: Not particularly useful directions, but still.
KINZ: Go...that way. *points to all directions* Splice your body and send the different parts to search for the sun."
"Look, the lesser-spotted Phonetic Alliteration." ~Toz
"You can can-can too, with Kandoo." ~Toz
"
You can do the tango but only when you clean your nether regions after a toilet visit." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Anything ending in "uggle" is amusing, except for "muggle".
...KINZ: Not even muggle-uggle?"
"Oi muggle! This thing over 'ere's threatening to pull a lawsuit on us!" ~Kinz
"It could be a comic strip. "Muggle-Uggle: The Adventures of Muggle and Uggle". Muggle is a muggle, Uggle is a wizard trying to fit in with muggle society. Muggle is trying to help him." ~Toz
"TOZ: Do you understand your washing?
KINZ: I like to think I have a mutual affinity with my laundry, yes."
"Okay. I'll turn up at, er...lemme check what time the parental inuits are going out." ~Kinz (comment in a later conversation "I wonder if I MEANT to type 'inuits'.")
"TOZ: 5 entries found for unsanitary.
un�san�i�tar�y Audio pronunciation of "unsanitary" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (n-sn-tr)
adj.
Not sanitary.
*Clap. Clap. Clap.*
...KINZ: Also, is that really how you pronounce it? Try using their pronunciation guide."
"Someone stole all of their vowels and replaced them with hyphens." ~Toz
"It's Flay's native tongue." ~Kinz
"TOZ: FLAY'S OMELETTE IS GRUNTSSGRUNTTUH!
KINZ: Flay the Caveman, before becoming remarkably fluent in the English language, spoke Nosonitr.
KINZ: SS Grunter. The good ship SS Grunter on which Flay sails...
TOZ: He occasionally lapses back into it when particularly angry about whipped egg dishes."
"KINZ: The watchman watches the other watchman. The watchmen watch each other and fall in love.
TOZ: Watches watch the watchmen watching watching watchmen."
"My sandwich has gone crusty. I left it near a radiator. There should be a Sandwich Handbook starting clearly on page one DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SANDWICH NEAR A SOURCE OF HEAT UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO DO A PASSABLE IMPRESSION OF MELBA TOAST." ~Kinz
"Trust me, I'm a latex-moulder!" ~Kinz
"Stop your superfluous screaming! I am expert in the matters of masculine sexual arousal, but am completely adept at studying the feminine form too!" ~Kinz (as The Erection Doctor)
"I am TOP GIRL! I rid the world of EVIL!" ~Toz
"TOZ: Sorry. =( I can't help it. I just see those "CAUTION: WET CONCRETE" signs and get a sudden urge to spontaneously jump in them. *Hangs head in pringle.*
KEVIN: have you tried counciling?
TOZ: Yes. They told me it was linked to my obsession with sticking my fingers to the wall after reading "CAUTION: WET PAINT" signs, but could tell me no more than that."
"KEVIN: Yea thats the Game, kiss me red is more like a in depth explaination of 2 people meeting up with the bloke being fancinated with her cherry lipstick
TOZ: OH. MY. GOD. YOUR LIPS ARE SO RED!
...KEVIN: that is due to the fact that it was f**cking cold outside - look at the icicle on my nose"
"KEVIN: anti-file spray that is
TOZ: No! My one weakness!
KEVIN: dont you just find - de-icer facinating?
TOZ: Yes. I ingest it orally to reach the full extent of its fascinatingness."
"YES. FILMS IN GENERAL PETRIFY ME. THEY'RE SO MOVEY!" ~Toz (not punning)
"Agatha Christie's lost her Miss Marples." ~Toz
"Hey, Tristan, the reason Lyndsey suddenly says "Alan Davies" whenever you walk past... well, it's isn't coincidence. Let me explain..." ~Toz
"I could drag him along when I'm in the audience of QI, which I intend to be one day, and shout "Look! It's you!" when Alan Davies walks on." ~Toz
"*puts on innocent, puppy dog *" ~Coralie
"The quick brown Toz jumped over the lazy Angelfire." ~Toz
"TOZ: The cream soda and the carrot. I wouldn't do dirty things to you with a barge pole.
CORALIE: no but you would with other things wouldn't you?"
"NARI: FIREFOX IS NOT WORKERING.
TOZ: HIRE MORE WORKERERS.
NARI: GOOD IDEA. I SHALL DO SO IMMEDIATELELY
TOZ: EXCELLENT.
NARI: *EXCELLELENT.
TOZ: OOPOPS, SORRORY.
NARI: Ooh, Pops? Sorrow Rory.
TOZ: Rory's Sorrow, a touching tale.
NARI: By Robin Banks."
"TOZ: Do Barbie cakes say "how bes" when enquiring how their baker is feeling?
NARI: Oh, all the time. Being cakes, you see, they don't have a very wide vocabulary."
"*imagines little squeaky cake voices chorusing "how bes how bes" as they are burned alive.*" ~Toz
"PIZZA MONSTER NEED FEEDING, NEED GREASY PRODUCTS SHOVELLED INTO MOUTH LIKE COOKIE MONSTER, RARRGH." ~Toz
"*All out war between Crapping Furbies and Maracca Bears.*" ~Nari
"TOZ: What's your favourite property in Monopoly?
What's your favourite property in Monopoly?
What's your favourite property in Monopoly?
NARI: t my marbles.
TOZ: What's your favourite property in Monopolyt my marbles? Arrrgh, help, he's monopolyting my marbles!"
"What is the bet? That we will, in fact, survive for 56 minutes and 30 seconds?" ~Toz
"TOZ: Lobob.
KINZ: Lobobtomy.
TOZ: A full-frontal one.
KINZ: That's right. One, please.
TOZ: Just the one? Not two?
KINZ: If I get the second half-price, would I even notice?
TOZ: If a tree falls in the woods, does a full-frontal lobotomy go weong [wrong]?
KINZ: If you're operating underneath it."
"OH GOD! What's scarier than the shit-brown road with moss advancing down it is the fact that MY BRAIN LOOKS LIKE CANDY FLOSS!" ~Kiz
"YELLOW YELLOW YELLOW. GUESS OUR FAVOURITE COLOUR" ~Kinz
"" March's highlights includes International Motocross at Hawkstone Park... and don't forget to put your clocks forward!" My goodness. March is RIVETING." ~Toz
"I can just imagine huge crowds gathering to watch the clock hands move. "Look... there they go, there they go! Wheee! I can travel in TIME AND SPACE!"" ~Toz
"Run to the postbox now, then whip the postman shouting "Mush! Mush!" until he delivers it." ~Toz
"TOZ: Don't you talk about major brain surgery? Often?
NARI: No, unfortunatley."
"Pui is safe. I have the keys. The fish is in the balloon." ~Toz (followed by a long handwrite-conversation between Nari and Toz about the adventures of said fish, travelling millions of miles, through including but not limited to the atmosphere, a meteor shower and the universe)
"Fish [worships] the Owl God." ~Nari
"TOZ: Poor you and your lack of data. =(
KINZ: That sounds like a fantastic euphemistic way of saying 'YOU ARE STUPID'."
"OH MY GOD I AM SO FURIOUSLY SORRY" ~Kinz
"I'm typing with one hand. The other one's occupied. Don't ask how." ~Kinz
"KINZ: DON'T CALL ME HOWARD!
TOZ: Sorry, Howard.
KINZ: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
TOZ: Have you been taking that anger management course I mentioned?
KINZ:
YES I FUCKING HAVE! I THINK I HAVE IMPROVED A GREAT DEAL, YOU CUNT!
TOZ: Evidently."
"KINZ: I love this peenk poleeceman!
TOZ: He ees so gloreeussly peenk and lawful!"
"TOZ: *Picks up wrong bottle.*
TALCUM POWDER: BOOM! Muahahaha! No you are all white and powdery!
TOZ: Arrgh!" ~Toz
"CORALIE: are you now the imprint of a departed soul?
TOZ: No, but I am the imprint of an exploded bottle of talcum powder. ... I suppose I'm the imprint of a departed bathroom product."
"because not only do mine shaggy's ears look like rabbits, its coming to get me along with captain hook." ~Coralie
"KEVIN: you're asking to go into the freezer you know....
TOZ: I'll be good. ._."
"Then your shoe dreads closing." ~Kinz
"Are you Cheese Wiggles, Toz?" ~Kinz
"Admierereiereirer." ~Kinz
"Poo. I am now called "Cheese Wigles", having spelt it wrong." ~Toz
"And are you my anonymous admieerreier?" ~Kinz
"Anonymous admewiorewuioreiieuhr." ~Toz
"Admieuirjruignsdmnyrgrkre5uj...r." ~Kinz
"Coralie? YOU AT THE BACK. Answer me! Are you 'petermonkey' and 'an anonymous admieirieieireirierr'?" ~Kinz
"100% of people think that Cheese Wigles is intelligent
But she can't spell, so that retracts from the IQ." ~Kinz
"Ask your Cheese Wigles if this is their Johari Window." ~Toz
"*picks up crisp packet* Is that your Johari Window? IS IT? ANSWER ME! *shakes packet violently*" ~Kinz
"THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE CHEESE WIGLES YOU KNOW!" ~Toz
"THIS MAY BE A CHEESE WIGLES IMPERSONATOR." ~Kinz
"-Nat and Mar performe a comedy dance routine-" ~Nari
"I have a piece of shiny foil. -shinyyy- ORGASMIC. Not the foil." ~Nari
"KINZ: There's a party here in Agrabah. If you can find it, you're welcome to join us.
...TOZ: If you can't find it then screw yoooouuu~♪"
"PERSON: *monologue!*
TOZ: Ellipsis : D" ~Kinz
"I was playing Sims 2 a lot yesterday. I finally got my Sim married x3 Her husband (to-be at that time) was wandering around the reception in his everyday clothes until he realised he was being waited for at the wedding arch. And the gardener suddenly changed into her dress and sat down, until she decided that the wedding was boring and she'd be much better off if she suddenly got out her secateurs from god-knows-where and started trimming a hedge, still in her formal wear." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Imagine the fear on their faces when we stop by for cookies or tea! ♪
KINZ: "Hiya! Just stopped in for a cup of-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!""
""...you could disguise yourself as a Year 11 student and observe them..."
You could disguise yourself as a man and sneak into their chamber to observe them!" ~Toz
"It could almost be poetry. I thought it was going to read "Billions raised, billions spent, no idea where the money went..."" ~Toz (in reponse to Coralie, who is reading Gordon Brown's budget: "I like the quote form David Cameron on here. Listen to this: "Billions raised, billions spent. No idea where the money has gone. With a record like that the chancellor should be running for treasurer of the Labour Party," said Mr Cameron.")
"I need a good teacher to pass [World Issues], but as we know - alas! Mrs [WI Teacher] cannot get me the grades I need to reach, I wish she would just learn how to teach." ~Toz
"I don't think so, no; though of course I would not know." ~Toz
"'Prostitute' does not work well in a poem
It does not easily rhyme,
I know because I wrote a poem about one
Or tried to, one time" ~Toz
"I understood the general gist, though there may have been parts I missed." ~Toz
"Don't start talking about oranges, because it's difficult to make them rhyme with doorhinges." ~Toz
"I'm afraid I cannot help you there. My knowledge of such things is depressingly bare." ~Toz
"But much to my dismay they don't, and as far as I know they won't." ~Toz
"It takes ages to rhyme?
I'm sorry, then
Because in that time
You have posted again.
It's the people who vote them in who are fools
That's not actually true
But my rhyming is poo" ~Toz
"I now find it difficult to write my drama essay, because I keep wanting to rhyme in this way." ~Toz
"Unfortunately, nothing rhymes with schizophrenia, so lalalalalenia." ~Toz
"Meaner rhymes with keener but not with schizophrenia." ~Toz
"I will look at a rhyming dictionary
Not just for 'schizophrenia'
But also 'dictionary'" ~Toz
"I can't wriet poetry
Not for Love nor Money
But please pay me anyway" ~Ariel
"TOZ: In our piece we use schizophrenia
But the main character does not travel to the capital of Armenia
Whatever the hell that is
Please give me good grades, miss
ARIEL: Dare you to put it in.
TOZ: No
I am a coward
So
You may call me Howard
But
I will not write about schizophrenia
And
The capital of Armenia
In
My Drama essay."
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha
My rhymes are not sexual
Na na na na na na" ~Toz
"ARIEL: What rhymes with boar? American Civil War; reserve officers training corps. Make a poem of that!!
TOZ: There was a boar in the American Civil War, but no one saw their presentsontehrecordsof reserve officers training corps.
ARIEL: The American Civil War,
Was a right Boar,
For the reserve officers training corps.
TOZ: The boar in my poem had issues with multiple personality disorders, maybe he was actually one of many boarders."
"TOZ: This is the song I thought sounded like... oh, for all my word-nancing
I have forgotten what you did in line-dancing.
Could you please remind me?
Then my song remembering wuld be stress free.
TOZ: *would
TOZ: If only I could
Type."
"ARIEL: Finished yet?
TOZ: Not quite yet, my essay is not in its full manifestation
But I needed to ask you that question"
"Cotton-eyed Joe
Now I can go
Back to work
Rather than shirk" ~Toz
"TOZ: If it is long enough
I think I am done
Can you do the word count
If I send it to you, hon?
ARIEL: Of course I can,
If I may be permitted,
To make a suggestion,
What rhymes with permitted?
TOZ: Admitted.
...ARIEL: Of course I can,
If I may be permittted to make a suggestion?
Am I admitted?"
"KINZ: It would amuse me if you put a random number instead of 1 there. Such as 17.
TOZ: [Changes her name to 'N&M / one (42) trick (s) ahead> of !disaster! | they're >quick- but _I'm much >>faster =D \ Tozbyflay the First'.]"
"ALICE: How did you hear about ALICE ?
Human:.he boom!
ALICE: I get it. Robin Banks boom." ~Toz, posting a conversation with ALICE
"Dear Cheese Wigles,
Is this your Johari Window?
Love Toasty Toz" ~(Toasty) Toz
"TOZ: Joe is lecturing me.
KINZ: On what? Microbiology? The benefits of demicroxycarbosol usage in the treatment of the common cold?"
"Like Queen, the band? Did you act like a homosexual singer with AIDS? Perhaps THE Queen. Did you walk around waving your hand regally whilst walking Corgi dogs? Ooh, perhaps he meant A queen! Did you act flamboyant and have permenantus limpus wristus and speak with a lisp? Were you obsessed with clothing and makeup and men's arses?
Or maybe it was all three!" ~Kinz
"Drscrmbrbrlrtrrn Rhrhrr!" ~Toz
"DI won't ask me! He isn't a careful driver. You shouldn't be either." ~Toz
"My music just stopped for half a second to make a conspicuous fart-like noise and resumed very quickly." ~Kinz
"Toz vomits a sausage while wearing NOTHING AT ALL." ~Kinz
"KINZ: P More revoked a need for catharsis.
TOZ: Percy More withdrew your right to bring complex emotions to the surface of your consciousness.
KINZ: Percy More eats dictionaries for breakfast, although to be fair Kinz was the one to subtly bring up her reference book absorption first."
"TOZ: [On Kinz's English homework.] What does R+J stand for? Remus and James? Rosie and Jim? Why would you be analysing Rosie and Jim? What sort of bizarre homework is that?
KINZ: Romeo and Juliet, possibly? You know, something you MIGHT have studied in year 10 or heard people from other classes discuss?"
"TOZ: La la la I'm in the shower. *Attempts to stop hair looking like electrified shredded wheat.*
SOMEONE: *Flushes the toilet and washes their hands for ten minutes or something.*
SHOWER: *Sput sput now I pour cold water on you feebly.*
TOZ: Auuughgh.
It was like being frozen in a sauna." ~Toz
"-Please excuse us. We are suffering a minor technical interference around the tastebuds. We will return shortly.-" ~Toz
"TOZ: I'd rather have a shower. My hair looks like those shreddie-wheat-biscuit-thingledoodles.
ARIEL: weetabix?
TOZ: No...
TOZ: Shredded wheat! That's the badger."
"Then my hair would look like braided shredded wheat, and styled breakfast cereal is not something I have any desire to resemble. It gives entirely the wrong impression." ~Toz
"thankyou Mr Postman for delivering my coleslaw." ~Ariel
"ARIEL: seeing about getting my hair braided.
TOZ: I misread "hair braided" as "married". Please buy me some glasses.
ARIEL: if you buy me a wedding pressie
ARIEL: who am i marrying?
KINZ: Getting my married? Getting your what married, exactly? Plans to have your nose engaged, your ear betrothed...?
TOZ: No, your hair is marrying. It is marrying Flay.
ARIEL: Isn't that a bit like marrying a cannibal?
...KINZ: In an abstract manner, marrying a caveman is like being eaten. Thinking about it, it makes perfect sense."
"Egads! Some kind of neanderthal, Jeeves!" ~Kinz
"ARIEL: QI was on 100 funniest moments last night.
KINZ: !!! What bit?
TOZ: Really? Which bit?
KINZ: (Notice Toz's coherency as opposed to my flagrant disrespect for the lowly exclamation mark)"
"TOZ: She's [Ariel is] much too politically correct for that sort of nonsense.
KINZ: Of course. Never partakes in Hitler-mocking with us either...
TOZ: Never ever!"
"ARIEL: ????????????????????????????????????????
KINZ: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KINZ: ...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KINZ: !"
"KEVIN: yay for yays! and taking over the wok!.....world!
TOZ: I'm going to take over the kitchen utensils!
KEVIN: first the teaspoons - tomorrow the cutlery drawer!"
"Yay for Peeves Skellington." ~Kinz
"KINZ: See, that phrase really ANNOYS me now.
TOZ: You sounded really THREATENING there.
KINZ: Perhaps it was my OVERZEALOUS USAGE of caps lock.
TOZ: Possibly, but HOW can you be sure?
KINZ: Because I SAID so."
"TOZ: [Referring to Kinz's progress in MFic.] Where are you?
KINZ: Juliet [Surname]
Spinny Chair
The Office
Ground Floor
Hazels
[Street]
[City]
[County]
England
United Kingdom
Europe
Planet Earth
The Solar System
The Milky Way
The Universe."
"He's my James. NO YOU CANNOT HAVE! NO YOU CANNOT SLEEP IN AND/OR WITH, DELETE WHERE APPROPRIATE, MY JAMES." ~Toz
"TOZ: Bring your guns!
Bring your knives!
Save your children and your wives...
...they aren't as useful for stabbing and shooting at things.
KINZ: What, children and wives?
TOZ: Too blunt. And not aero-dynamic enough.
KINZ: I'm going to stab you with my wife- DON'T LAUGH! Parts of her are very sharp and abrasive!"
"Yaaaaaaaay. Extended vooooowel." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Wait, no, I'm God. GID.
TOZ: *GOD
KINZ: GID!
TOZ: Boy, is Gid's face red.
TOZ: Gid hangs his head in pringle, PRONGLE.
KINZ: Prongle in a Thongle."
"Our ones are equal, but in an abstract way my one is more than yours." ~Kinz
"Comparisons between the Exeter Blitz and a squirrel:
- They're both lethal to humans
- They both last for about eight months
- They both involve a lot of fire." ~Kinz
"Oh, and squirrels release bombs. NEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW- boooooooooom. Squeak, squeak!" ~Kinz
"The pits of sin aren't as pleasant as they sound, you know." ~Toz
"Lyndsey: *fails at juggling hearts*" ~Kinz
"TOZ: It advances your learning... but makes your speech deteriorate.
ARIEL: mm
KINZ: Advances your learning, but simultaneously makes you backwards."
"NARI: Press 5 for the PRONGS-IN-A-THONG hotline.
KINZ: 5.
ARIEL: 5.
TOZ: 8.
...KINZ: 93.
ARIEL: 11245."
"NARI: Hello? This is the PRONGS-IN-A-THONG hotline.
...KINZ: Hello. Do you do webcam?
NARI: HOYES."
"Visible Prongs, Without the Thong." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Now that [Visible Prongs, Without the Thong] I wouldn't mind.
TOZ: NOWAIT.
...TOZ: Without the thong. With underwear. And clothes.
...KINZ: In a little pile next to him."
"TOZ: Anbd you weren't ebven on chipmunk setting.
...KINZ: Toz likes bees."
"1.Why do we press harder on remote control's when we know the batteries are flat?
Because it becomes less sensitive, so we need to press harder" ~Toz
"2.Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient charges" when they know there isn't enough money?
Because they still want more, and assume that you eill pay one day." ~Toz
"3.Why does someone believe you when you say that there are 4 million stars but check when you say paint is wet?
Some people don't check and some people will instantly begin counting stars, but to put that aside. It sounds too much like hard work to find an astronomer, borrow his telescope and spend the rest of your life trying to work out whether you couldn't that white dot already or not compared to prodding a wall." ~Toz
"4.Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
It does." ~Toz
"5.Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Because that would be too much work to animate." ~Toz
"6.Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
He does? Well, his chest is made of kevlar and the gun is made of Kryptonite." ~Toz
"7.Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Kamikazee!" ~Toz
"16.If money doesn't grow on branches, why do banks have branches?
The phrase is 'money doesn't grow on trees'." ~Kinz
"20.If WW2 had never happened would there still be laws to nprevent it happening?
Coooosmiiiic." ~Kinz
"8.Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
I'm trying to find out the origins of the word "lisp", but in the meantime it is demonstrative of the condition." ~Toz
"9.What is the speed of darkness?
Being the absence of light, darkness has no speed." ~Toz
"10.If people evolved from apes why are there still apes?
A branch in evolution, similar to lemurs evolving from the same ancestors as other animals but only being favoured by one environment." ~Toz
"TOZ: 11.Can you cry underwater?
Why would you be underwater on hearing upsetting news anyway?
KINZ: You could be chopping an onion underwater for some reason."
"TOZ: 12.Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It's easier to fold the sides of a square into a cube than it is to fold a circle.
...KINZ: I want a pizza in a spherical box now."
"TOZ: Also, you can cry underwater. Hint: scuba diving mask.
KINZ: + mashed onion smeared on the lenses."
"13.Why is it that people say they slept like a baby, when babies wake up every 2 hours or so?
Because when they are actually asleep babies look peaceful and content. It means that you slept peacefully and contentedly." ~Toz
"TOZ: 14.Why do doctors, when you have to strip, leave the room, there going to see you naked anyway...
*they're
In case you want to hide something embarrassing. It doesn't have to be anything sick, ok? I'd just like to get that cleared up.
KINZ: Like a thong."
"a soiled thong, cause of a close encounter with a stag, who likes surprise sex...." ~Ariel
"16.If money doesn't grow on trees do banks have branches?
The word has a different meaning. "Rank" as in soldiers doesn't mean that all soldiers are bad and rotten, does it?" ~Toz
"17.What level of importance must someone have if they are assinated instead of murdered?
Assassination is when you pay someone else to murder a person." ~Toz
"TOZ: 18.If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?
Yes. Again, the maning of the word is different.
KINZ: Mane.
ARIEL: maning?
TOZ: 19.If its true we're all here to help others what are the others doing?
Helping us.
KINZ: Like horses' manes.
TOZ: *meaning"
"TOZ: 20.If WW2 had never happened would there still be laws to nprevent it happening?
*prevent
Were these laws made before or after the event?
ARIEL: after
TOZ: Then no."
"Actually, dictionary.com does not define assassination in anyway that involves pay. So you have to be at a political level, when it involves the people." ~Toz
"We may have rules to prevent more wars, because if WW2 didn't happen then we would have learned our lesson from WW1."
"Tozbyflay v 6.1, with added Diligence Plug-in." ~Kinz
"Bulldoze the lakes! Bulldoze them until they.... er... are flat. Yeah." ~Toz
"KINZ: i went to eat coralie, i'm not reading it every second ^_^
...TOZ: You went to eat Coralie? You monster!
...KINZ: Whoops. Forgotten Comma Causes Major Confusion."
"ARIEL: [On Nari's new baby sister.] Hello, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
KINZ: YES SECONDED
KINZ: much yaying!
TOZ: MUCH YAYING OUT LOUD, as I was explaining.
NARI: Thankyou! xD Though I didn't actually give birth to her."
"ARIEL: Whats she like?
NARI: Er. A baby?"
"ARIEL: What do you want to call her?
KINZ: Aaaah. Yeah any ideas?
NARI: Born at 4:30, 9 pounds 4.
...TOZ: Born at 4:30, 9 pounds 4. Odd name.
...KINZ: Born at four thirty nine pounds four [Surname].
...TOZ: We'll call her Bornie for short.
"No, that sloth over there that's just taken an overdose of tranquilisers [is lazy]. Yes, you." ~Kinz
"Jamie's computer keeps saying "Where are you?". I think it feels lonely." ~Toz
"Guess what, Toz. I forgot about another sandwich, so that makes 2 passable impressions of melba toast." ~Kinz
"TOZ: It [demonic baby] looks... hungry.
KINZ: FOR SOULS
TOZ: HUMAN SOULS
KINZ: NO, THE SOULS OF SLUGS
TOZ: Fine. THE SOULS OF SLUGS, EXTRACTED WITH SLUG PELLETS"
"You shout your challenge to dramapple:
Type message to opponent" ~Toz
"ARIE: I am~~~
KINZ: am three wiggly lines."
"T: D'aww, diiiiiiid.
X: Toz, what are you talking about?" ~Toz
"What are you're views on [Mr Bench-Bench/Ginger Balls] being a cross-dresser?" ~Kevin
"Mr Bench-Bench? Hm, an interesting bench. I can bench him benching his bench in a benchy bench bench." ~Toz
"KEV: have you considered sending it to the naughty corner?
TOZ: And giving it a smack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper while saying "No! Bad computer!"? I like!"
"KEV: Bench
TOZ: Bench!
KEV: Bench bench?
TOZ: Bench. Bench?
KEV: bench thank!
TOZ: Bench. ^^
KEV: Ive done something that i regret a lot....
TOZ: Bench?
KEV: I lost my virginity to a bench last night......
TOZ: Bench! How bench bench?
KEV: your a bit benchy! - it was a bit rough, my bench hurts now - covered in splinters you see...
TOZ: Bench like bench! I bench quite bench.
KEV: ?
KEV: bench?
TOZ: Benchness knows.
KEV: benchy bench bench
TOZ: I have no bench what bench are benching about.
KEV: Bench do i
TOZ: That's a bench.
KEV: Bench bench mohogany
TOZ: Very bench, you bench bench.
KEV: bench
TOZ: Bench?
KEV: BeNcH
TOZ: Bench bench bench bench, bench benchy benching.
KEV: Bench bench bench! XB
TOZ: Bench bench "bench" bench benching bench benchle benchused bench.
KEV: i don't bench a bench anymore
TOZ: Bench.
KEV: *sings 'the game' bench remix* Bench bench bench bench.....
TOZ: xD
KEV: so apart from being put on 'anti-bench' medication what else has happened this weekend?"
"Sue them [makers of Toz's vanilla-but-actually-salty lipsalve] for false advertising!
"Sir, this lipbalm has a bit of an unusual taste. It's a bit like salt."
"Fuck it, label it as vanilla. Those idiots will buy anything."" ~Kinz
"Siller Coralie." ~Kinz
"ARIEL: HELLO?? What is it about benches? Are they that special??
KINZ: Yes.
ARIEL: I have been rather put off them.
KINZ: Never mind, they still have their fans."
"I'm a great big female steam roller! Where's your name from?" ~Toz, greeting Kinz
"I was going to ask how that would help, but come to think of it I certainly wouldn't want to sneeze if I had wine corks wedged up ny nostrils. Though I could shoot them at people." ~Toz
"TOZ: Never! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.
KINZ: SILENCE!
TOZ: I'm making friends with Mr Caps Lock.
TOZ: NEVAAAR.
KINZ: SILAGE!
TOZ: SINUS!
KINZ: SIRIUS!
TOZ: SINAGE!
KINZ: SIRIUS SUFFERS FROM SINUSITIS!"
"*plays with megaupload* Beep! Beep beep beep, bee-beep! Beep!" ~Kinz
"ARIEL: HE
ARIEL: Hello
...KINZ: SHE
...TOZ: ANDROGYNOUS BEING"
"Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Potato, a young boy's quest to COOK FOOD EVERYWHERE." ~Toz
"I invented the duck-billed platypus. Praise me." ~Kinz
"ARIEL: Well I did try and re-invent the dodo but unfortuneately I killed the last one in the process.
KINZ: That's pretty stupid.
ARIEL: You try putting lipstick on a bird without getting injured!!"
"I want icecreram ;O" ~Nari
"ARIEL: I think with Hattie it could also be me.
TOZ: You're Hattie's starsign?"
"Hellolbezoarstone." ~Kinz
"ARIEL: There are several mistakes, which like tip-ex I have corrected. Just call me Tipsta
...KINZ: All right, Howard."
"ARIEL: Oh well. One tried one's best, but one must now shag PC. Do excuse me.
TOZ: ...
KINZ: Computer-fucker.
ARIEL: PRINCE CHARLES you idiot!! Honestly, HOWARD.
KINZ: Policeman-fucker.
TOZ: Politically-correct-fucker.
KINZ: You completely violate political correctness.
= true statement!"
"TOZ: I'm fine, if overstuffed with food.
ARIEL: And stuffing
KINZ: Like a greedy teddy bear."
"KEV: 6th form interviews weren't that bad where they *trying to type and eat simultaneously*
TOZ: No, it was much less petrifying than I thought. ^^'
KEV: no guns?
TOZ: Well, maybe a few small ones, but they were well hidden.
KEV: so you did search his office then....
TOZ: I snuck in beforehand, when he was out for lunch. He had one buried in his folders, but I put the safety catch on.
TOZ: And then, as an afterthought, armed myself with it.
TOZ: The gun. Not the safety catch.
TOZ: I BRANDISH THIS SAFETY CATCH AT YOU!"
"It released a horde of viruses at me, which I heroically overcame because they don't affect humans." ~Toz
"Tox Tox Tox. Funnt story." ~Toz, on being asked for her full name during a mock roleplay with Ariel. Not-very-hastily added "My last two names are not Funnt Story, by the way."
"Hello. ... My name is Dear friend - UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO DO A PASSABLE IMPRESSION OF MELBA TOAST.." ~Toz
"Narcissistic Village. A town for self-absorbed and arrogant farmers." ~Kinz
"Yeah, it is. What is sprite editing? ... Soft drink design and manufacture? ... Or, based on my misreading, the alteration of the soul?" ~Kinz
"TOZ: Audial porn.
KINZ: o-o Just the noises? Ew.
TOZ: You'd prefer to watch it as well? At least if one was only listening to it one could use one's imagination. It wouldn't have to be porn at all. One just might have to imagine REALLY hard.
...KINZ: You could almost think that was a pompous old scholar discussing the semantics of pornographic undertones in modern Japanese rock music."
"KINZ: I want a really different hair cut. I have my hair. it's so plain.
NARI: I have my hair too."
"Goujons. Furby Eye Goujons." ~Kinz
"*imagines you going AHAHAHAH *hurrrrrrr* AHAHAHAHAH *hurrrr**" ~Kinz
"NARI: It was more like FFFffffffff!!! fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh .. HAHAHAA.
KINZ: ahayauhrhuahruahurhhbAFSDFJGDHKF
TOZ: F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f
KINZ: Aruhruhruh.
KINZ: Effeffeffeffuhfuhfuheff
NARI: Ahuh-huh-huh-huh-huh
NARI: Ptuuh"
"I exaggerated, naturally. You do not resemble a large kiwi who ran rampant with a clown's make-up kit." ~Toz
"FLAY NEED MORE BLACKMAIL." ~Toz
"NARI: It looks like there's a washing machine in the background. oO
...NARI: Because I deleted them all, probably.
TOZ: What, just floating in the air behind you?
NARI: The photos, that is. Not the washing machines.
NARI: Yes.
NARI: KILLER WASHING MACHINE."
"Tchaikovsky was a lesbian?" ~Kinz
"TOZ: He looks like he's about to go mining.
KINZ: He looks like Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes's gay lovechild.
TOZ: And his name was Wiggly-Woo~♪"
"TOZ: BABY FURBY FEELS HURT. HE JUST WANTS ACCEPTANCE.
KINZ: Well, so would you if all your inner mechanisms had been bashed out of you by teenage girls armed with hairbrushes and screwdrivers!"
"KINZ: Come on Firefox, stop floundering in my internet.
KINZ: Well done! Good Firefox! Here have some packets of bytes.
...KINZ: Oh, bad Firefox. Misbehaving again.
TOZ: WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT
KINZ: IT IS A WEB BROWSER
KINZ: I THINK YOU HAVE USED IT BEFORE"
"TOZ: But NO. Hitler in 60s drag with a shower cap. OBVIOUSLY.
...KINZ: Hitler washes in the future. You should too!
...TOZ: Hitler's a safe driver. You should be too!
KINZ: Piss off. I'm busy being shattered by oppression.
TOZ: But Hitler wants you to drive safely."
"I tried learning about the Customer Experience Improvement Porn but it hid our pictures." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Naughty Porn. *Smacks it on the nose with a newspaper.*
...KINZ: Poooorn! Newspaper porn! BAD LYNDSEY!
TOZ: *Misreads as popcorn.* Pornographic popcorn.
KINZ: Oh, those naughty naughty kernels. You must be punished. I think I'll put you in a bowl and cover you in clingfilm. THEN we'll see if you try and burn my mouth again.
TOZ: Clingfilm - just that much better than PVC for fetishes.
KINZ: Has the added bonus of shrinking and going wrinkly. Very sexy."
"Similarly, the poet's iconoclasm is mirrored by the storyteller in 'Nothing's Changed' and his
"KINZ: The poet's iconoclasm is mirrored in the storyteller's bollocks.
TOZ: They're polished to a rate of high reflection.
KINZ: I want to bring down the system with your testicles.
KINZ: Just think of the glory your manhood could bring to the anarchists."
"KINZ: This is reminiscent of the Gone Revisin' sign from two years ago...
TOZ: It is. Maybe I'll make myself an actual sign and hang it around my neck.
*Gives self a sarcastic round of applause, having lost the large pack of ink cartridges she was given.*
KINZ: Do it.
TOZ: Clap, or make a sign?
KINZ: ...Both.
TOZ: *Does both.*
TOZ: Ok. I am going to work. Right now.
KINZ: At the same time. Clap whilst making the sign - all the way through.
TOZ: Ok.
KINZ: Yay.
TOZ: *Drops pen, writes generally weirdly, has difficulty stabbing holes in the paper to tie thread through whilst clapping.*
...TOZ: *Removes thread from reel with mouth, bites tongue.*
TOZ: *Discovers she has not punched one of the holes properly.*
TOZ: *Discovers that actually she had."
TOZ: *Discovers that it's easier to thread a tiny needle than to thread a large hole in a sign while clapping.*
...TOZ: *Encounters more problems when threading in that she pokes the thread through, then moves her hands apart to clap - dragging the thread with them, and thus out of the hole.*
TOZ: *Dons sign backwards.*
TOZ: *Finishes!*"
"ARIEL: Daddy Nasty Freak P.
ARIEL: You perv
TOZ: I MALE perv.
TOZ: *Imagines that said in a caveman voice.*
...TOZ: Flay MALE perv! *Flay wiggles his eyebrows.*"
"ARIEL: [Goes into great detail on Easter games to play.]
TOZ: [Only has this to say.] Prostipost pictures... with bunny masks!"
"We may actually have a civilised conversation one day. One that doesn't involove vigourous moist sausages." ~Ariel
"TOZ: [After drawing a Handwrite of herself.] I did practically nothing.
...KINZ: [Commenting on Handwrite.] Except lose most of your face, apparently."
"Cow of the War Republic." ~Kinz
"Completely on tin Winkle Rabbits" ~Ariel
"ARIEL: Can we watch it at the sleepover please Mummy?
TOZ: No, you snotty little brat.
TOZ: Yes.
KINZ: You'd make a wonderful mother.
ARIEL: Can I go and surprise sex someone please Mummy?
TOZ: I would rather, wouldn't I?
TOZ: Yeah, sure."
"Oh look! It's snowing! Wait, sorry, falling seagull." ~Kinz, quoting her mother
"ARIEL: Doitoditdoit^^
TOZ: Stop calling me a doit, please.
ARIEL: it says DO-IT you doit."
"KINZ: Toz! From the sleepover pics are there any pictures where I am looking straight at the camera, not doing obscene things or pulling faces?
TOZ: Let me check.
TOZ: No."
"Life expectancy of your produxt: About seventy years, if it does not contract a fatal disease or take up smoking." ~Toz, possibly quoting her Textiles coursework
"Life expectancy of your product: What product?" ~Ariel
"ARIEL: Have I spelt parrott wrong?
KINZ: Yes
KINZ: It takes one t, dear.
ARIEL: and 2 sugars!"
"TOZ: Meh.
KINZ: Meh?
TOZ: My mouth tastes like soap.
KINZ: Why?
TOZ: I have no clue.
KINZ: Right. xD
TOZ: Did you think I'd been eating soap or something?
KINZ: I didn't think you'd gone that far,no.
TOZ: Good, because that would be preposterous.
KINZ: Absolutely. Have you been eating soap?
TOZ: ...no.
KINZ: *pats Toz's head* It's OK, your secret is safe with me.
TOZ: Secret? What secret? << >>
KINZ: That you find toiletries tasty.
TOZ: Tasty Toiletries, now with extra Glittery Gloop."
"I'll sing without cheese - can't you feel my heart, falling to the ray, this song makes no sense because I think the vocalist just asked me if I could hold his teeth~" ~Kinz
"I'll sing without cheese, can't cheese feel my pain. There's nothing I can do. ... I feel a longing for your mammaries ... Oh, the cheese can't feel his hole apparently. That's kind of worrying. And it can't hold his teeth! Right, I'm done. Sorry." ~Kinz
"NO I WILL NOT HOLD YOUR FUCKING TEETH YOU WEIRDO. That's the fourth time you've asked." ~Kinz
"TOZ: I'm going to ignore you until you stop saying ausing things when I'm on the phone.
...KINZ: Ausing? I venture a guess for the missing letters. A__using: ro!"
"ARIEL: What is the sexiest thing you can have in your mouth and what is the unsexiest thing?
KINZ: A piece of coral.
TOZ: *Is too busy glueing the phone to her coursework to answer.*
ARIEL: [Crush] and [Crush].
KINZ: Why is that unsexy?
ARIEL: Well, it would depend what part of him it was. eg feet
KINZ: Or all of him. Ow."
"ARIEL: What can my nickname be?
TOZ: What's the official female name for Thomas?
TOZ: hgjgubuifjtyteyg6767uyte8f
ARIEL: Tomasina
ARIEL: Back to my question...
TOZ: Bearer of the Sandwiches.
ARIEL: What sandwiches?
KINZ: Or Bear for short.
ARIEL: Bear is too obvious.
TOZ: THE Sandwiches.
KINZ: ...right there, there on the stair...the little sandwiches with clogs on."
"My uncle is mad. I was looking at our Christmas photos and there's one of him with a holly leaf up his nostril. His face bears no trace of pain but an expression of shock as if he sees nothing wrong with shoving pointy leaves up his nose." ~Kinz
"*Is trying to do Semen's Wank, is writing down the rank numbers.* 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3- wait, where does the one- hang on, why have I suddenly started going DOWN?
Just demonstrating my stupidity." ~Toz
"ARGH. I just did it AGAIN. I was correcting them, reached the 9, did the 10, then tried correcting the next one to another number 9." ~Toz
"Again we rely upon the Ace of Diamonds. How one hates reliance" ~Ariel
"KEVIN: if you had walked into a systems&control lesson completely oblivios to what we were really saying i reckon you'd come up with some good stuff for RARR!! eg.
I'm trying to find a pic axe for my crocodile clips circuit
I need a pizza for my circuit board
You see those 2 holes there? you put the rod in them and it should fit.......just use your imagination
TOZ: xD Wish I could do. I should just have a day where I leave my own lessons and wander in on everyone else's.
KEVIN: try and get a 'sponsered walk around qe day and get as many quotes as possible'" ~Included for sake of reference; Toz will one day do this
"TOZ: I don't know if I can wait that long [until 'New Earth' aired for the first time] without chewing my own arm off. oo
KINZ: Because your arm produces Doctor Who, of course.
TOZ: Yes! But only if you remove it. It's quite painful, but if delirium sets in at the amount of time Saturday is taking in reaching us that is quite, quite worth it."
"I think the band members are mauling and/or raping each other at the start of this song. There are some very disturbing noises. Augh! *crash*
"A real chicken with a fake banjo?" ~Kinz
"Make Your Eyes Pop - Why is there a guide to... Oh, I get it. Optical Explosions courtesy of your handy makeup kit." ~Kinz
"Toz has stolen my rubber dick! Wrong on so many levels!" ~Kinz
"KINZ: Exclude you, get indirect revenge? Why would I want to do that to you?
TOZ: Because I'm a metaphysical stressball."
"I'm a talking metaphysical stressball. =D" ~Toz
"I'm a psychoc metaphysical stressball." ~Toz (it ended up, with Kinz's contribution, as "psychoc metaphysical pungent stressball")
"An autobiography, By Robin Banks-Banks[.] "I became a woman and married my own brother to get this nifty surname."" ~Kinz
"Loud. Loud. Lou-lou-lo-l-l-l-LOUD.
Hi! I'm Barry Scott. I'm going to teach you how to laugh out, laugh out..." ~Kinz
"The hobbits the hobbits the hobbits the hobbits laugh out, laugh out, laugh out l-l-lou-loud...in Isengard, Isengard..." ~Kinz
"Remember the bed-humping, Coralie? That was the WRONG KIND OF LAUGHTER, kiddies." ~Kinz
"'It's best to reserve this look for special occasions; long-term use can lead to eye irritation from the glue, and even
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"I wish I was lingual in Japanese so I could actually understand these songs. For all I know they could be singing COCK PENIS VAGINA I LIKE SEX LALALA IF YOU LISTEN TO THIS YOU ARE A RAPIST OR SOMETHING SHGDSKJG
you know, whatever." ~Kinz
"ARIEL: So what should we bring tomorrow [to sleepover]?
KINZ: Lifejackets."
"Look, I just typed up a dream about A PEA SANDWICH. I do not have to make sense." ~Toz
"TOZ: What is it about exam help book whatsits and post-mortems?
KINZ: They're saying you're going to DIE.
TOZ: Boost your confidence! Prepare for death now!"
"Good! Well done, you've successfully revised three modules. Now have a post-mortem.
"When a student has revised four subjects in a row, they should legally be declared dead."" ~Kinz
"Ignore what these hippopotami are telling you. They're probably lying, and you're probably hallucinating." ~Kinz
"CORALIE'S WORK ETHIC: Shwooooooo!
CORALIE: What on earth was that?" ~Toz
"CORALIE: That was a funny whooshing sensation I just felt over my head. I'm sure it was just a breeze." ~Kinz
"TOZ: REVISION PRACTICE 2
[Insert picture of the Manchester Ship Canal.]
It then moves on to REVISION PRACTICE 3. How usless. Why should I revise how to revise, anyway?
KINZ: This is a boat. Woo, look it floats! Check out the water, how wet is that?!
Hey, good luck with your GCSEs by the way! LOSER!"
"STUDY WEEK PLANNER 1 How you spend your time now:
Stewing in a pit of despair over my imminent failure." ~Toz
" To lose all hope: despaired of reaching shoes safely." ~Toz (was I quoting something? Please let me know if that is the case)
"Toz Stew with a Dash of Despair." ~Kinz
"It sounds a bit like AARGH MY BRAIN IS MELTING
bit like that." ~Kinz
"I just got a splinter from the stairs in my index finger, MY INDEX FINGER, in pringle, IN PRINGLE." ~Kinz
"Seconded. A thumbs up for enabling me to get upstairs but a big thumbs down for giving me pointy wooden things in my fingers." ~Kinz
"CORALIE: ...and so then they divorced, and I got pregnant by him.
TRISHA: I see." ~Kinz
"TOZ: She'd go on Jerry Springer.
KINZ: HA.
KINZ: She'd climb on Jerry Springer.
KINZ: Boing boing."
"TOZ: Jerry Springer, boing boing!
KINZ: Jebdlln b. rgjhgeSTEAL MY MIND WHY NOT"
"That was delayed MSN! It thinks, oh look, Juliet had a message half an hour ago! I'd better tell her now." ~Kinz
"Me: *drags and drops things on the desktop*
Aoi: You just put WinRar on my face,
Me: Oh, sorry." ~Kinz
"How are your ears?
What?
I said, how are your ears?
They're perfectly fine, now GET AWAY you aural fetishist." ~Kinz
"Calvin falls into a bear trap
It eventually says hurting
Says Calvin, "Oh crap!"" ~Kinz
"It's just sat there.
"Ah. Foiled by the plastic container! Curses, my one known enemy - and I have no source of its one weakness, "scissors"." ~Toz
"Mmhmm. "I'm the patron Saint of Homicide.
...No, don't run away from me! Come back, I won't hurt you!"" ~Kinz
"TOZ: *Has Winamp on shuffle.*
WINAMP: *Plays groovy ITG music.*
TOZ: La la la~
WINAMP: *Begins playing non-groovy explanations of energy transfer from a collection of GCSE revision sound clips.*" ~Toz
"He wrote BOUNCERS, HOORAY!" ~Toz
"That's happened so many times I'm sure my perception of reality feels like it's done ten rounds with Muhammed Ali." ~Kinz
"ARIEL: You are perceptions Muhammee Ali
KINZ: Muhameeeeee
...ARIEL: shhhhhhhhh
KINZ: eeeeeeeeee
ARIEL: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
KINZ: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
"KINZ: I'm the orphan who retakes her GCSEs at 19.
ARIEL: Maz
NARI: Who are you? =]
ARIEL: Who is who?
KINZ: You.
ARIEL: Who's you?
KINZ: You.
ARIEL: Who's you?
KINZ: You.
NARI: you poisonous fucking slut
NARI: *""
...KINZ: 'Yes, that's right...nearly forgot the decoy speech marks there...'"
"Come to report more tea-dribbling?" ~Kinz
"I spent over an hour revising [digestion], because I kept mucking about eating bitesize Crunchie bars on the pretense that I was following their journey down the digestive tract." ~Toz
"TOZ: Crunchie bars go stale and chewy when left out on a desk. Don't do it.
KINZ: I'll take your advice.
TOZ: Crunchie user guide. =o
KINZ: Heehee. A whole range of food user guides.
TOZ: Pea user guide: For optimum enjoyment, flick all of them at everyone else and don't eat any."
"Drama! Suspense! Intirgue!
"TOZ-MUM: Is that you, PE tshirt? PE TSHIRT: Not any more." ~Kinz
"Observe my predicament, cleverly illustrated in a wonderful diagram." ~Kinz
"Not perverted! Not perverted!" ~Toz
"KEV: are you planning to draw the doctor as a prostitute in a sluttish dress?
...TOZ: I am now!"
"TOZ: I'm stuck on my murderythingiewhatsit. I know what's going to happen, but I just can't think how to start the next sentence. I've been puzzling over it since Thursday.
ARIEL: Your whojimiwhatsits now?
TOZ: Ray and Ginger whojimiwhatsits.
ARIEL: Ahh, Ginger, the sweet reminder of perverted sex in cupboards
ARIEL: Can we make her a patron Saint of Perverted sex in cupboards?"
"Did I tell you about my new low depths of sunkation?" ~Ariel
"Hahahahafishyfreudianslip." ~Toz (on Ariel accidentally describing something as "carp" during a conversation on fish puns)
"ARIEL: BISCUITS
ARIEL: RON BISCUITS
ARIEL: RON BISCUITS FOR WEASEL
ARIEL: WEASEL RON BISCUITS FROM SCUMMERS
ARIEL: SCUMMER WEASEL RON BISCUITS"
"Gackt's song: *has accordion in*
Gackt: *blatantly wants to be a frenchman*" ~Kinz
"*misreads your name as Am I being nude again?* YES PLZ." ~Kinz
"You have three thumbs?" ~Toz
"Comparable to a haystack and hairgel concoction?" ~Kinz (on a certain person's hairstyle)
"Foreplay? Queen Victoria? No, she gets straight to it." ~Toz
"I want a humnug." ~Toz
"Wind doesn't gorljw" ~Toz
"TOZ: "You're an insolent pair of"
...what? Bananas? Giraffes? Insolent people? What can Nathaniel be calling Ray and Ginger here?
ARIEL: Your an insolent pair of very very sexy people."
"My friend is illustrating how to do my Graphics homework on Handwrite.
What's that catfish doing?
"*glows with pride and nuclear substances*" ~Kinz
"Hermittoz, a rare creature found on the shores of MSN." ~Toz
"[on the topic of how parental communication affects cognitive development in babies, wherein Juliet keeps interrupting with comments about the muffin man]
Dad: Well, yes, it's obviously very stimulating-
Me: What, the muffin man?
Dad: For the muffin lady." ~Kinz
"KINZ: Celebrities employ something.
TOZ: Strippers."
"WINAMP: Physical- physical- physical- physical- physical- physical- physical- ~ping~ *in a Japanese accent:* Jingle bell, jingle bell~" ~Toz
"The other day, I was listening to a song and I could swear the singer said 'We are all fucking Japanese'. Well, well done, because they're a jrock band." ~Kinz
"*types pilots as 'pirates'*.
"I think it's saying You ASBO, your ASBO is coming." ~Kinz (on the "Turn me on, dead man" clip)
"ARIEL: What would you put in a letter after "How are you?"
ARIEL: ??
NARI: "I'm good, just been talking to my friends about listening to Stephen Fry having sex with my mother - so all is quite normal here!""
"You have reached the empty dustbowl of Toz's mind (population 18). She is not here right now, but please feel free to leave a message." ~Toz
"ARIEL: What do you put after "How are you?"?
TOZ: In a letter I have to Nari in my drawer, I skipped that bit and went straight to "Forgive the red felt tip...".
ARIEL: But its in black biro.
KINZ: "Please excuse the conventional and overdone black biro", then?"
"a-squared + b-squared = pythagoras sucks your mom" ~Nari
"MSN: Hattie {NOT HERE} is NOT HERE, idiot." ~Toz
"TOZ: LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS~♪
KINZ: FOR FUCK'S SAKE! LUCY! SKY! DIAMONDS! GET IT YET?
TOZ: LUCY IS IN THE FUCKING SKY WITH FUCKING DIAMONDS.
KINZ: FUCKING--
"TOZ: Your mum, in the bread bin, with the haddock. :3
KINZ: Interesting game of Cluedo there!"
"Green pyjama is what?" ~Kinz
"NARI: How would you describe AD [Alan Davies]?
TOZ: ad
"No entry found for the sex god of the last 15billion years.
No spelling suggestions were found.
No entry was found in the dictionary. Would you like to search the Web for the sex god of the last 15billion years?" ~Toz
"Dachshund Underground Railroad
...Yeah. XDD;;" ~Kinz, quoting Toz's quoting of dictionary.com
"I'd like to be under the sea...in an octopus's garden, in the shade of Stephen Fry~♪" ~Kinz
"Polenta-Banana. Porridge-Banana. Squishy-Banana." ~Toz
"*Immediately begins singing This shit is polenta, P-O-L-E-N-T-A~♪*" ~Kinz
"ARIEL: How could I finish this sentence..? "I also admire him amazingly..."?
TOZ: With a full stop.
KINZ: Not three."
"Stephen Fry said, he knows what it's like to be dead~" ~Toz
"Cora expertly demonstrates 'interesting' cerebral monarchy." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Doctor Zoidberg, you're a new and better Stephen Fry~
TOZ: HELP I'M GOING INSANE
KINZ: TOO LATE"
"Yes, I wool! Every single day!" ~Kinz
"A random person just IMed me saying "You'd better take your pants off" and then informed me they had typed the wrong email address." ~Kinz
"I was a conjoined triplet for half an hour on Thursday." ~Kinz
"TOZ: Crowbar,
KINZ: Crowbar.
TOZ: Crowbar
...KINZ: CROWBAR!
TOZ: CROWBARRR
KINZ: Crooooooowbarrrrrr
TOZ: Cccccccrrrrrrrrowwwwwwwbbbbbbarrrr
KINZ: CCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR
ARIEL: Anyway.....
TOZ: crowbar
ARIEL: Can I show you that thing please Juliet?
KINZ: I said yes earlier
KINZ: ...crowbar."
"NARI: CRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDD
KINZ: Crowbarguard
TOZ: Crowbarbouncer
NARI: Crowbard.
TOZ: Crowshakespeare"
"ARIEL: Why does Adam suck biscuits btw?
NARI: In bed."
"*misread something as prostitutetastic*" ~Toz
"This is Juliet's father. She's turned blue and is currently lying under my feet on the floor.
She's starting to smell." ~Kinz (?)
"TOZ'S BRAIN: *Needs to plug the laptop charger in.* Hmm, all of my wall sockets are taken. I will have to remove a plug. Let's see - that white one is my computer, not my electric blanket. I mustn't pull that one out.
TOZ'S HAND: *Promptly reaches forwards and pulls it out.*
TOZ'S BRAIN: Stupid!
TOZ'S HAND: *Hovers there for a few moments in pringle.*" ~Toz
"NARI: !!SZa
NARI: *Lol
KINZ: ...HOW did you type Lol as !!SZa?"
"Oh my, God discombombulating!" ~Nari
"TOZ: Gummy hobo?
KINZ: Gummy hobo!"
"Gummy yetis in gummy snowshoes!" ~Nari
"*Pikas Nari's chu*" ~Kinz
"SS officer: You're wonderful, sister!
Hitler: Have him beheaded." ~Kinz
"The KKK took my baby away, and they bit it!" ~Kinz
"Doctor What Who Spiffing Which Where Why How When" ~Toz
"What hoo, old bean." ~Toz
"Why not try ABC instead of XYZ? You know, do the beginning of the job rather than the end of it." ~Kinz
"I will still be fine when I am a corpse! Everything is good!" ~Toz
"KINZ: You're welcome, and you're not going to spontaneously combust or anything.
TOZ: *poof*
KINZ: Or spontaneously turn into a flamboyant homosexual."
"TOZ: I can say very expressive, solemn, sustained, delicate, loving, sad, simple and calm in Italian.
...KINZ: Passport officer: *in Italian, of course* Passport, please. Toz: Expressive, solemn, sustained, delicate, loving, sad, simple and calm...?"
"I think I have found a cure for the common or garden cold." ~Ariel
"NEW: The latest cure for colds! Side effects may include death and or alcohol dependance." ~Ariel
"She's obsessing over rubberbands and how she wants to be one." ~Toz
"Is your icon someone on fire or a digger on fire? Or something else? A kiwi, on a digger, on fire? A robotic arm, being eaten by a kiwi, on a tractor, on fire?" ~Toz
"TOZ: Intuition. Rubbish inuition. Intuition of refuse.
KINZ: Inuition! ... The state of being an omniscient eskimo?"
"TOZ: There's bird poo on my window~
KINZ: Dear Juliet, dear Juliet...
TOZ: With what shall I clean it, dear Juliet, dear Juliet~?
KINZ: You shall clean it with your face, dear Lyndsey, dear Lyndsey~
TOZ: That's not very nice, dear Juliet, dear Juliet~
KINZ: I'm sure you'll live, unless the bird poo somehow traces bird flu to you, in which case you won't, dear Lyndsey, dear Lyndsey~
TOZ: You're ever so reassuring, dear Juliet, dear Juliet~"
"KINZ: I should make RARR some sort of esotericism award.
...TOZ: *misreads as eroticism*"
"TOZ: 8 out of 10 perverts use R.A.R.R.!
KINZ: What of the other two? Is it that they're not perverts or they just don't use R.A.R.R.?"
"TOZ: I have no praise for R.A.R.R. from you. Give me some. Hint hint. Subtle subtle hint hint.
KINZ: R.A.R.R. is good. I'm hungry. That wasn't a subtle hint, that was an outright demand!
KINZ: I just typed R.A.R.R. as R.R.R.R.
KINZ: Rrrrrrr!"
"I Can't Believe It's Not Lupine (tm)" ~Kinz
"Loading...loading...waiting for Firefox to unfreezing...bashing the motherboard out of my computer...fetching plaster...calling IT support...loaded! NO MICROSOFT.COM, GO AWAY" ~Kinz
"Mum: Where's my cuddly meat-free and completely vegetarian sausage?
Me: O___O" ~Kinz
"Well my toaster won't give me this day my daily brea- ahh wait. Instructions. Hmm, yes, instructions on how to work God. Insert bread eh? Right, *jumps* GAHH Ahhh, I see. You feed it, it feeds you. Clever." ~Ariel
"The Godster loves you." ~Toz
"Misread as: favourite colour, black pasta." ~Ariel
"TOZ: What's the name for a thing that squirts cream onto cakes? A cream squirter?
KINZ: I just understood that as a completely obscene question. Like an icing bag?
TOZ: Yes! Like one of those. They're made of clothymuslinishstuff and you put a shiny nozzle on the end and they make what's that smell, it smells like pizza? Sorry. But yes. One of those, only for cream. A cream bag?
KINZ: Sounds appropriate to me. I'm sure people will understand that xD
KINZ: Icing piping! That's it!
KINZ: But for cream...yes.
TOZ: Cream piping? An entire plumbing system of cream. Piped straight to your tap, fresh from the fields!"
"TOZ: I actually checked on Google and it asked me whether I wanted an 'e' with that.
KINZ: Google fancies itself as a McDonalds worker. Would you like fries with your Baccalaureate?"
"The city itself is in an extremely attractive location, being set on the River [hiddem] in beautiful [county] countryside, close to the sea. [City] is unusual in being quite small for a city, with just over 100,000 inhabitants.
"Controversial issue for World Issues coursework: The ending to Book 7." ~Toz
"That would have been a soul cleansing. Touching God and eating the fruit of his loins* is a more gentle, if less thorough, soul cleansing.
"KINZ: TOZILLA'S DESTROYING TOKYO!
TOZ: A rare, Tozilla-free day in Tokyo... ruined by Tozilla!
KINZ: Just as you thought the day was safe.
TOZ: Because giant dinosaurs with human heads tend to offend.
KINZ: I find the concept of Tozilla offensive, and copyright-breaching.
TOZ: Please don't sue little humble me! =O
KINZ: GIVE ME ALL YOU WORLDY POSSESSIONS. I have a small cardboard box handy right here.
TOZ: *eyes go wide, lip... what's the world? wibbles?*
KINZ: your worldly*
KINZ: I'm sorry, I can't type today. *bows head in pringle*
TOZ: Hee, worldy. Neither can I. **eyes go wide, lip you worldly*
KINZ: You worldy! YOU WORLDY! What do you mean, you don't understand what I'm on about?"
"What do four jaundiced worms, two black marbles and two crushed cacti have to do with anything?" ~Kinz
"Hello? I am now worried that your sanity HAS deserted you and you are just sat drooling all over your desk. *drool* Did I ever introduce you to Mr Wall? This is Mr B. Wall. He has wanted to meet you for a while now!"
"Purple satin, covering everything except everything! Useful for public appearances!" ~Toz
"TOZ: Ok. Birthday present?
KINZ: You can buy me Japan if you like.
TOZ: That's a bit of a hefty request, young girl.
KINZ: Not if you're vewy vewy strong.
TOZ: And get a tow truck.
TOZ: And Tozilla!
TOZ: And the Japanese don't object.
KINZ: I'll have them too."
"Molestation for many young Japanese men." ~Kinz
"Kinz will be a kind, benevolent and sexually assaulting ruler of Japan." ~Toz
"Its over my eyes im just lucky with the keyborg" ~Jam
"I'm sorry are you speaking a new type of language I don't know yet?" ~Ariel
"TOZ&JAM: ~colin7ingtdmie3k4l]'[]=
TOZ&JAM: 77 v
ARIEL: Keyborg explosion?"
"TOZ: I need a male name beginning with 'R' lasting more than two syllables.
...ARIEL: Ringo?
TOZ: That's two syllables.One that sounds a bit like Roger. It doesn't have to be a real name.
ARIEL: Rafea
TOZ: It's important that Roger is the central theme of the name. If that makes sense, which it doesn't so never mind.
ARIEL: Ro-g-aa
ARIEL: ??
TOZ: Rogaaaaa. xD Roojar. Rogjar. Rog's jar. Rogsesjar. Pog.
ARIEL: Rogma?
TOZ: Pogjar.
TOZ: Like dogma?
ARIEL: Pingu. Yes.
TOZ: xD Rongu.
ARIEL: Ringu
TOZ: Ringo! And we have successfully come full circle."
"I've never seen a seductive peanut that looks so disturbing..." ~Unnicknamed
"okay so 2 half naked seductive (female?!) peanuts go out looking for some hot male material for a 'steamy' night (in the cooker)... Next is the part when the rasin walks in the 'club' and starts to stir things up..." ~Unnicknamed
"KINZ: *pretends to revise Science* Ooh, a game about pretending to revise Science!
ARIEL: hee hee
KINZ: I'm not even jok- Oh, bollocks, you have to actually answer questions in it. That's not a fucking game."
"I convinced my friends to play tennis with a Sprite bottle today.
Sprite bottle as a substitute ball, not as a partner, as I know Toz is probably aching to make a sarcastic comment." ~Kinz
"BOTTLE: *is thrown in air ala ball*
JULIET'S FRIENDS: *have no tennis sticks*
BOTTLE: *falls to floor*
SILENCE: *happens*" ~Toz
"Tennis STICKS?" ~Kinz
"KINZ: Your TV is...similar, ne?
TOZ: I don't know. It's sort of square and plays pictures.
KINZ: It's square? You have a weird TV. Mine's rectangular."
"KINZ: "You can hit your partner repeatedly with this limited edition Playboy-endorsed wooden bench until they can no longer feel any pain.
Incidentally, please take advantage of our new offer: buy this bench, get a 14-inch dildo completely free!"
TOZ: *snoret*
TOZ: *snort
KINZ: SNORET
KINZ: It's a cross between a snort and a broccoli floret.
TOZ: *chokes on another snort, quite scarily*
KINZ: I'm getting images of the contents of the vegetable drawer in my fridge giggling conspirationally to one another."
"Aubergine 1: You surprise her with your freakishly squeaky skin, I'll pounce in her mouth and disgust her to the point of vomiting due to the unpleasant consistency of my innards!
Aubergine 2: Got it! Go!" ~Kinz
"I was revising with Dad yesterday for the Science exam I had today, and one of our conversations went like this:
Dad: *asks something about type of light receptors in the eye*
Me: Cods and rones.
Dad: ...
Me: *pause* *smiles blankly*
Dad: What's a rone?
Me: It's a...*makes cone-shaped motions in the air*
Dad: Right. And what's a cod?
Me: It's a...oh.
Dad: Yeah.
" ~Kinz
"And he also started talking about harbocydrates and was absolutely adamant it was the right word for several minutes." ~Kinz
"I thought that was a magnifying glass inspecting a piece of sushi." ~Kinz
" Have you or someone you love given up on maths? ConquerMaths hasn't given up on you! Read on to find out how you can conquer maths once and for all!
With ConquerMaths you can...
* Rewind Him, Fast Forward Him or Shut Him Down When You Want!
"TOZ: Have you or someone you love given up on God? God hasn't given up on you! Read on to find out how you can
conquer God once and for all!
* Have Your Own Personal God In Your Living Room!
* Rewind Him, Fast Forward Him or Shut Him Down When You Want!
KINZ: *sticks flag spear in God*
TOZ: XDDD
KINZ: CONQUERRRR"
"Explosive decompression occuring in my lungs." ~Kinz
"KINZ: HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- *flatline*
TOZ: *Misreads as "HURRRRRRRRRRAH!"*.
KINZ: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FLATLIIIIIIINE!"
No? Well, you can now with this handy guide!
Sorry - "strangling" someone
I'm a homicidal maniac and I'm going to kill you - waving with the right hand (the faster you wave, the faster their death will be)
Please don't kill me - letting your arm swing from a right angle pointing downwards, as if dislocated (yes, this is a hard one to describe)
I'm going to torture you - waggling the fingers of the right hand
All right - placing fists next to each other
Shame - pringle
Goodbye - Pip pip click, while raising arm to cover face ala Sean Lock saying "She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the King's chamber!"
Marbles - [Miss] Marples (ie. "I've lost my Miss Marples", or "Have you seen my Marples?")
Autograph - wilkinson
Insemination - semolina
Commentary - Lambing
NARI: It's a type of cookie that has jellybeans in."
NARI: That is somehow even worse.
TOZ: IT'S COMING FOR YOU!
NARI: Noooooooo! TT_TT +hides under the desk+
TOZ: *from where there is an ominous rattling sound...*
NARI: Stop it stop it stop it! +throws Furby at you. Furby wakes up and starts going crazy (eyes blinking, ears flapping etc)+
TOZ: AHHHH! O_O *Flings army of Maracca Bears at Nari.*
NARI: +throws crazy flapping Furbies back at Toz+ HELP MEEE! o_O
TOZ: *All out war between Crazy Flapping Furbies and Maracca Bears.*
NARI: Run for cover!! O_O +throws furby nuke+
TOZ: *Misreads as "+throws naked furby+".*
NARI: +throws naked furby+
TOZ: Oh God NOOOOOOO! O_O
NARI: +throws naked furby nuke+ XDDDDDDD
TOZ: *throws pole dancing maracca bear nuke*
NARI: +throws John/Mayor/Scorch/Yokomokokokobla plushies+
TOZ: *throws Marauder+Snape+Ron plushies*
NARI: +throws.... a custard pie+"
TOZ: Chickens?
NARI: No, sheep.
TOZ: Where?
NARI: Merrily cavorting through my brain.
TOZ: There can't be much room.
NARI: No, there isn't.
TOZ: It must also be very woolly.
NARI: Believe me, it is."
Wormpenises
"Remus makes bathtime fun!" and other such phrases
Emu ballet
Things you never thought you'd say
Marauderfic Scene Idea 1
More scene ideas, including Dalek/T.A.R.D.I.S. love.
Marauder-related comics, drawn by Toz/captioned by Kinz and vice versa respectively.
Inanimate Object Love
Ever switched to a different channel just on a very surreal bit of conversation?
"This is boring yet difficult." ~Frasier
"How can cheese kill people? It's not even sharp!" ~Top Gear
"I always knew he was a bum." ~Beyblade
"How was your day, Miss Marple? GIVE IT TO ME HARD AND STEADY!" ~?
"Isn't it a shame when bad things happen to good sentences?" ~Frasier
"Can you feel your ovaries twitching?" ~Penn + Teller
"You love your wife. I love your wife. We're on the same side here, aren't we?" ~Casanova
"They kept in touch. Can't say that about most executioners." ~Doctor Who
"Those of you with a nervous disposition might wish to know that your tv is in fact off, and I am speaking to you from inside your own head." ~Mock the Week
"...this is not a threat. We are just discussing how to eat you." ~8 Out Of 10 Cats
"Come on, aerobics. Let's face it, it's porn for cowards." ~TV Heaven, Telly Hell
"We are in fact on the cutting edge of cocking about." ~Top Gear Winter Olympics ['Bj�rk' Hammond on getting a mini to ski down a skislope]
"And can you guess what he had for dessert? Well, can you? Ice cream. Ha ha ha ha ha." ~Mr Men, Mr Strong
"1: No, I'm sitting in a tree.
2: Is that a spot of rain A-...?" ~The Alan Davies Show (radio)
Torchwood Quotes
(Currently done from memory, apologies. They're also things which just randomly amuse me or my family, so, obviously, they'll just look odd to everyone else.)
"TORCHWOOD: [Discuss what to say to the dead people they bring to life.]
GWEN: [Watches, hiding from them and apparently unnoticed.]
JACK: [Suddenly turns to face Gwen.] What do you think?"
"JACK: ...That is so Welsh.
GWEN: What?
JACK: I show you something fantastic - you find fault."
"One day I'll find a doctor, the right sort of doctor..."
"OWEN: I thought she said she had a boyfriend?
JACK: You and your silly little categories."
"TOSHIKO: We should really go and stop them [Gwen and Carys[?] bonding at the mouth].
JACK: Yeah... I mean, yeah, come on."
Marauderfic Quotes
Moved here.
"She had damaged capill-arrr-ies."
"Why don't you find the last person who was inside that jacket?"
"His voice has turned into a woman's! He's a ventriloquist!"
"Red jumper... Deggins did it. It was Deggins."
"Here, did you murder a police officer? Right, well, give Deggins his gun back."
"Arrgh! He turned into a soda can!"
"RAY: I can't see anything.
NATHANIEL: Then look closer, idiot.
RAY: *presses his face against object* Nope, still can't see anything."
"His hotel. His tv."
"I cannot pick up the object. I am too close to it."
"NATHANIEL: *Gives a long rant on the symbolism of putting money in the mouths of dead people and the Ancient Greeks*
TOZARIEL: Or maybe it's because shes a prostitute?"
"LUN: *Explains about collectable lighter*
TOZARIEL: *Go to man* Do you recognise this lighter? ... Yes, of course he does, he just saw us pick it up."
"CHARACTER: So this guy's a drug addict?
TOZARIEL: He is right behind you, you know."
"That traffic cone looks suspicious. I think it did it."
"How does he know the time of the murder? We haven't told him yet!"
"You have to put the skin back on before you bury him!" ~Me
"'Scuse me while I work out, gotta run in my wee!" ~Nari
"Co-holder of my ass." ~Kinz
"IS this your library? Is THIS your library? Is this YOUR library? Is this your LIBRARY?..." ~Nari, Kinz, and myself
"Wound up as a hamster in a yo-yo wheel... wait, that isn't right." ~Me
"Have bun, eat bun!" ~My mother
"*Stop at an empty road for five minutes as if waiting for the cars to go (there are no cars for all of that five minutes), then suddenly realise mistake.*" ~Myself and Kinz
"Argh, I can't sign into Hotmail or MSN Messenger! I'll have to e-mail Kinz and... wait..." ~Myself
"Your sink is not a toilet." ~Myself
"A giant hamster stampeding through your house..." ~Kinz
"Oh, that's noticeable. That must be why I didn't notice it." ~Nari
"NARI: Are you writing plans for Spiritz?
TOZ: No, I'm drawing jelly beans." (That wasn't sarcastic, by the way. I really was.)
"Why does everything I draw end up looking like a yeti?" ~Me
"TOZ: Argh, this looks like a yeti.
NARI: As always."
"Maths is so much fun when you're drawing Harry Potter hentai!" ~Me
"Don't poke the lion tamer!" ~Jamie
"Purple zebras are an everyday occurence." ~Kinz/Me
"I cannot cook peas. I fail at life." ~Kinz
"They look like peas." ~Self, when Kinz asked if the peas looked like they were cooked.
"Oh........ bum." ~Jamie as Voldemort in the Potter Puppet Pals ("*Harry and Harmione run away.* V: Oh, blast.")
"It's metallic poo coloured. Not that I've ever seen metallic poo, but if I had then that's what it would look like." ~Kinz
"You need a perpetual pogo stick." ~Kinz
"Dad and his garlic butter spray hallucinations. He couldn't hallucinate about anything normal, like unicorns or fairies, it had to be garlic butter spray." ~Kinz
"Buy one get one free on aerosol hallucinations?" ~Kinz
"Moany, Wormpenis, Tampons and Thong." ~The result of Toz and Kinz rambling about nothing much at four in the morning
"Massive orgies are what makes life fun!" ~Toz
"Miss Brian Shortcut-Phallus of Phallus Improvements Inc." ~Kinz writing to a publishing company
"How many phalluses can you find?" ~Nari (on her "improvements" to the spelling book she gave Toz for Christmas)
"The Big Book of Penises." ~Toz
"Draw your phallus's face here." ~Kinz
"Will I have to wear one of those cones, like dogs do after operations?" ~Toz ((before her ear operation))
"Stilton ice-cream. That's even worse than your banana ice cream." ~Ariel
Not a specific quote, but the idea of each Harry Potter character running their own country, beginning with the discussion of whether you'd want to be ruled by Lupin, Peter, Sirius or James (Toz decided to risk being hexed at every opportunity to live In James's country, Ariel couldn't choose but leaned towards Sirius or Peter).
"I see a roof falling on you in your future." ~Ariel
"By the way, Ms [X] came here for my French lesson and she told me that [School headteacher] was in a meeting at the time of the Science fire and he was alerted to it by Mr [Y] texting him saying "Don't panic, Richard. The school's on fire!". " ~Kinz (technically an MSN quote that should have gone in the School section if it wasn't actually just hearsay)
"But but but! Moony's never been out with a girl, he only dates books." ~Toz as Sirius in 'Harry Potter and the Secret Task'
"Hey, big boys, you can't both be tongue-tied by my beauty..." ~Ariel as Harry as Umbridge to Sirius and Remus in HP&TST
"...Harry is choking.* Harry: *Chokes.*" ~Ariel in TST
"I'm a werewolf, I'm homosexual and I'm from Sheffield. I'm fucked!" ~Lupin, a picture someone drew
"Shh! Silent Nazi salute." ~Toz
"I'm doing Nazis." ~Kinz
"Lyndsey's the thinker, you can be the doer. You're the doer of Nazis. Lyndsey's the thinker of porn." ~Coralie, Kinz and Toz collectively
"Look, it gets an erection, and then that pushes it along the floor... it's coming for you!" ~Kayleigh [playing with a toy spider]
"Is that a cat in a microwave? ...no, it's a tv." ~Kinz
"C: We can be tooth fairies.
J: But I have no wings.
L: And I have no teeth."
"Porn porn porn what?" ~Toz
"J: You and your hookerwear.
...L: The latest range."
"C: ...those catalogues.
J: With kettles. Kettlelogues."
"Cattlelogues." ~Toz
"That's like apparel. Hooker equipment." ~Kinz
"He bangs her on his drumkit." ~Kinz
"J: I'm sitting on elves.
C: Doing elves.
J: Doing them silently, without moving."
"C: Why wrestle in canned tomatoes?
J: Why not apricots?"
"L: If you're going to have a baby, don't do it on my bed. I need to sleep in that.
J: *Hangs head, moves off bed.* Sorry.
L: I don't want placenta all over where I sleep.
J: ...I love zees peenk placenta!"
"Farmer Osama on his tractor." ~Coralie, Kinz and Toz
"He could use his tractor to knock down the twin towers." ~Kinz (followed by everyone demonstrating this)
"I've got a brand new combine harvester and I'm going to kill you." ~Kinz
"I am eating a furry little problem, it's going to become a furry little problem." ~Kinz (on tortilla chips lasting twenty years)
"So I have to sleep with a corpse for the rest of my life?" ~Coralie
"J: *Reading book title.* 'Super Story Book for Girls'.
C: A super story book for-
J: Boys."
"*Someone is moving around outside during the night.*
J: It's a burglar. He's been distracted by the bubble wrap."
"*Next morning.*
C: Well, it could be halfway. If we climb out of the window-
J: Oh, yeah.
L: Anything that starts with 'If we climb out of the window...' is not a good idea.
J: No. We climb out of the window, get the burglars...
L: Who have been there all night, playing with the bubble wrap.
C: Call the police!
J: It's a great detainer.
L: 'You're going to jail.' 'Nooo!'
J: 'Can I take the bubble wrap?'
C: 'I want a cell covered in bubble wrap.'"
"Look how it gets this penny! Look how it gets this penny! A refused work placement, a refused work placement..." ~Kinz
"A metaphor for four foreskins." ~Kinz
"I love zees peenk polygamy!" ~Kinz
"You killed me. I think that warrants a divorce, personally." ~Toz
"C: I was trying to remember the man with a silly hat...
L: The Pope?
C: No...
L: Bertie Bassett?
C: That's the bugger."
"Prostichicks." ~Toz (while Coralie and Kinz were discussing prostitute chickens, a conversation no one can actually remember now but involved roast chicken and potatoes)
"DON'T CALL ME HOWARD!"
"C: There were these people
*Toz stops writing the quote. Next morning:*
J: *Reading quotes.* That last one is hilarious."
"I've got a perfect title for this series [of photos involving Kinz, Ariel and Toz doing unholy things to a lamppost]. Prostipost." ~Kinz
"J: I just stepped on something cold, what was it?
C: Lyndsey's heart."
"We should all go into the sex shop." ~Ariel
"The 61 Failures of Toz. One, not knowing what to order. ... Two, not knowing how to use chopsticks. ... Three, losing her purse. ... Four, not knowing how to work a glowstick..." ~Ariel (roughly)
"I propose that the next time we all go out for a meal, we make sure everyone knows how to use the cutlery beforehand." ~Toz
"VOICE OF 'MEDITAINMENT' PRODUCTION: Select your destination. A desert island... flying... Arctic...
TOZ: Torture chamber..."
"VMP: Relax...
TOZ AND ARIEL: Just relax.
TOZ: [As Ms Piffs] Quite relaxed?
ARIEL: [As doctor in last Drama production] SCALPEL!"
"I got distracted in the movie so- why does that bike say porn?" ~Kinz
"There's a dalek on the bus. NathanielDalek is coming for you with his fifteen-inch-leg, Toz!" ~Ariel
"I now declare you man and prostitute. You may fuck the bride." ~Toz
"Gandalf demands treats!" ~Toz
ARIEL: [Says something about pillows.]
TOZ: Pillows?
ARIEL: ?
KINZ: DO YOU OWN ANY?"
"WARNING! The alarm will sound if you don't back away!" ~Car alarm
"[Toz turns her back on a rainbow.] So can I still see the rainbow now it's behind me?" ~Toz
"I tried to pull your hands sideways, but you went forward. THAT'S NOT HOW STEERING WORKS!" ~Ariel
"TOZ: Can I use your toilet?
ARIEL: Yeah, go ahead.
TOZ: Thankyou. By the way, I may have left a damp patch on your floor. ...not like that! Not like that! From the rain...!"
"ARIEL: What's the name of Domino's eldest son?
TOZ: Er, Domino. But she's female."
"[On a cycle ride.] We should run into the church. [Pause.] And shout 'Sanctuary!'. [Pause.] And then steal the Vicar's phone." ~Toz
"TOZ: My backside hurts. Sorry, I know that's not the sort of thing you should announce loudly to a motorway.
ARIEL: [Laughs.]
TOZ: What?
ARIEL: Running into a church, shouting 'MY BACKSIDE HURTS' and then stealing the phone while the Bishop is distracted."
"ARIEL: I'm casting Sean Lock as the Doctor... and Marc Almond as the villain, Franny Roote.
TOZ: Any other cast changes?
ARIEL: No. Well, you can't really tell Daleks apart. I think I'll recast Dalek Number One as Dalek Number Three."
"Mr Casanova was on top when I arrived... I just realised how dirty that was." ~Ariel
"TOZ: Mr Casanova was on top of Jane Eyre when I arrived.
ARIEL: Then he swiftly moved to beneath me."
"I've got a twisted stomach. If I dress up as a cat will that make it lethal?"
"TOZ: They [stomachs] could elope.
ARIEL: D'aww. And have lots of little TozAriel baby stomachs."
"Stop contemplating the sex life of stomachs."
*Music starts*
Salmonella
(doo-ooooh)
Salmonella
We all love
Salmonella!
"Marrying curtains does not make you normal."
"Tala shoves a wine bottle in Kai's face... love hurts."
"Airport go boom!"
"Obsessed with Tala's throat."
"That's quite, quite combustable."
"Look, she wants to play fetch!" ((~Kinz on my Grandmother, who walked up to our villa carrying a large stick with a broad smile on her face, pointing at it [was actually for our fire at home]))
"You cleaned us out today!"
On first impressions, he seems very sandy. I did not have the chance to make a second impression as I was beginning to feel drowsy at that point. And on the third, I was distinctly snoring. When it came to the fourth, however, I resurfaced from the land of nod in a pile of drool. I was left with the worrying question of why the sandman made me salivate so enthusiastically.
"You've got until June to learn how to make a cup of tea, I'm sure the bandages will be off by then." ~Sidney
"SIDNEY: They aren't going to say 'here, do some brain surgery', or 'go and drive that forklift'."
TOZ: But what if they do?"
"SIDNEY: It's only five days.
TOZ: Exactly! FIVE DAYS!"
"TOZ: I'll probably kill someone by dropping a shelf on them or something.
SIDNEY: You aren't going to be put in a position where you could kill someone."
"You don't get arrested on work experience." ~Sidney
Subject: Your RARR Newsletter
Mail: Due to the low demand for a RARR newsletter, there will be none! You did not ask for an issue, so here is the first issue! Enjoy what is not your first issue!
The Random Insanities Of Cookie + Muffin/Tosaiko + Kinzi/Sunset + Fierychili scanned and put up at the bottom of the page.
Should animated gifs, by Sunset and others (AKA just Kinz) have a section?
Yes-
No-
Give me a miffin and I'll tell you-
Sock Warmers, � Colin, 2004 -> Forever
Now in one tidy place.
Otooa
Harvest Moon Stuffzorz
Joint Stories
Marauderfic
School Notes
-Scan in more EPYC games
-A layout
-Add the school quotes I am probably missing by this point
